by Doug Naylor
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'Only the Good' by Doug Naylor |
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1 - Model/CGI shot
A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from it…
2 - CGI shot
A plain star-field. Narrative text draws across the screen:
Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -
Survivors one.
Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe.
A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced
with:
by Chamelionic Mycrobe.
A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced
with the much simpler:
by shape changing weird space thing.
Non essential electrics all down,
including spell checker.
Massage ends.
3 - Model/CGI shot
The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well.
4 - Model/CGI shot
A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits
upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:
6 hours later
One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as a black, flickering substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock.
5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room
Close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is lying in his bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat.
HOLLISTER:
...Come in...
More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation.
HOLLISTER:
...Come in...
The caller obviously still does not hear, and knocks again.
HOLLISTER:
...Come in!...
There is a pause, then the door swishes open and RIMMER enters.
RIMMER:
Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?
Your hot lemon, sir.
HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face.
HOLLISTER:
God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks.
RIMMER:
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir? Yes, I'm sure it was, because -
HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply.
RIMMER:
Let me tuck you in, sir.
HOLLISTER:
How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
RIMMER:
Enjoying it, sir. Some directives for you to sign, sir:
RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it.
HOLLISTER:
What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing in here?
RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his face.
RIMMER:
Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You can't rely on anyone these days, can you!
HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed.
RIMMER:
I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition, and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the person I admire the most.
HOLLISTER:
Another ambition achieved...
RIMMER:
You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?
HOLLISTER:
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material.
RIMMER:
'Not officer material', sir?
HOLLISTER:
If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.
RIMMER:
Like what, sir?
HOLLISTER feigns loss of voice.
RIMMER:
So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?
HOLLISTER croaks words. There is another knock at the door, and a WOMAN dressed in a flowing black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN.
TALIA:
They said it was okay to drop by...
HOLLISTER:
Talia?? We-ll, hi!
RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman.
RIMMER:
Hi!
TALIA smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the CAPTAIN.
HOLLISTER:
Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...
TALIA:
I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!
HOLLISTER:
Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.
TALIA:
You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.
RIMMER:
The photograph of your wife, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I turn it so it's facing the wall?
HOLLISTER:
Dismissed, Rimmer.
RIMMER:
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Nothing I can get you, ma'am? Tea? Coffee? (He turns and heads out, still muttering) Packet of three..?
TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest.
6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room
RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room.
RIMMER:
Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.
RIMMER pauses by a food DISPENSER, and begins fishing in his pocket.
RIMMER:
He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.
RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the DISPENSER 's credit slot.
RIMMER:
He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...
RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it.
RIMMER:
Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!
In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his coin back out of the dispsensr. Immediately lights begin to flash all over the machine.
DISPENSER:
Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed without payment.
RIMMER slaps his hand across the DISPENSER's speaker-unit.
DISPENSER:
A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!
RIMMER:
Shut up!
DISPENSER:
No, shan't. Alert, alert!
RIMMER:
If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown.
DISPENSER:
Take your hand off m' speaker then.
RIMMER:
Promise to shut up?
DISPENSER:
Promise.
RIMMER uncovers the speaker.
DISPENSER:
Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction on floor three-four-one. Alert -
Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers
into the DISPENSER's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky- backed instruction labels that decorate the DISPENSER over its various slots and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that they cover the speaker grille.
DISPENSER:
Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionery! And I also - I also know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that is all I know, just your taste in confectionery, but no matter, because one day I'll hear your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!
RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on his trousers nervously.
RIMMER:
I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!
HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
with him to the recovery room. Still ranting at the DISPENSER, RIMMER does not see him approach.
RIMMER:
What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed? "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"
HOLLISTER:
Rimmer..?
RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall.
HOLLISTER:
You forgot your tray...
RIMMER:
Thank you, sir.
HOLLISTER turns to walk away.
DISPENSER:
He stole some chocolate! He stole s -
RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then thinks better of it and heads back to his room.
DISPENSER:
You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will destroy you...
RIMMER:
And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.
RIMMER leaves.
7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber
LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT are walking through corridors on Floor 13.
CAT:
It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock! My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw
it away it'd come back! Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do
they give me?
KRYTEN:
Er, something to do with rocks, sir?
CAT:
Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck! Probation's killing me, buds..!
He leaves. Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN carries.
LISTER:
What's that?
KRYTEN:
Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see.
LISTER:
What, a calendar?
KRYTEN:
Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one. I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of
proportion.
LISTER:
A little word in your audio receiver:
KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments. They separate.
KRYTEN:
And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!
LISTER:
Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.
8 - Int. Cell
KOCHANSKI enters, spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that proudly proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD".
KRYTEN:
Ta-daaaa! Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.
KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with green ribbons.
KRYTEN:
A little present ma'am.
KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along.
KRYTEN:
All gift-wrapped. I hope I chose the right size...
KOCHANSKI:
Dave told you to do this, didn't he.
KRYTEN:
Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?
KOCHANSKI:
Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.
KRYTEN:
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.
KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon.
KOCHANSKI:
Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a little twirl in it?
KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at him.
KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, how can I put this..?
KRYTEN:
Is there something wrong, ma'am?
KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm.
KRYTEN:
He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a woman is having a... (He points upwards towards the last word of the banner) Is the banner wrong, too?
KOCHANSKI:
(Nods, quietly) Oh yeah.
KRYTEN:
He was lying! I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!
KOCHANSKI:
Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?
KRYTEN:
Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot in tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.
KOCHANSKI:
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!
KRYTEN:
Right, here's my idea...
KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points.
9 - Int. Cell
LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch.
LISTER:
That's Holl, he must want something.
LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor.
HOLLY:
Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider information. There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under
your hat.
HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods. A GUARD enters.
GUARD:
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
GUARD exits. LISTER glances back to HOLLY.
HOLLY:
(Nods and smiles, pleased with himself) Told you.
LISTER:
Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.
HOLLY:
When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.
RIMMER:
If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of information way before it got into the public domain?
HOLLY:
I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end...
LISTER:
What stuff?
HOLLY:
'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some, let me know. As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.
RIMMER:
See you in about twenty-five years, then.
HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves. LISTER scratches at his forehead intently.
LISTER:
This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.
RIMMER:
You've got a scar? When did you get that?
LISTER:
Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know, er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally stabbed m'self in the head with one.
RIMMER:
Where were you?
LISTER:
I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
RIMMER:
That's not a scar, that's a nick. That is a scar.
RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jaw.
LISTER:
Where did you get that?
RIMMER:
From a fight, years ago. ‘Duel’.
LISTER:
A duel? You? Get out of town!
RIMMER:
Not a duel; ‘Duel’, the old Steven Spielberg movie. Friend of mine attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips.
I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow T-shirts for a week.
A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell.
RIMMER:
Why's that going off? (He crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the machine has just printed) It's from Kryten "Look under the draughts board".
LISTER:
(He looks) Another note... "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in... your shower"! "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched, and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!
LISTER pulls open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns.
RIMMER:
Oh my god!
LISTER:
Oh god!
RIMMER:
What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes! We're on probation!
LISTER:
Down the loo; down the sink.
LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents into it
RIMMER:
Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!
LISTER:
The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!
RIMMER:
But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from him. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right
nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.
A warning light flashes above LISTER's head.
LISTER:
Smeg, the tank's full!
RIMMER:
What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!
LISTER:
We're gonna have to drink it.
RIMMER:
Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.
LISTER:
It'll put hairs on your chest.
RIMMER:
It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's
lethal.
LISTER:
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin'.
RIMMER:
Have we got any mixers?
LISTER:
You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it down your gob!
LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his chair.
RIMMER:
What's it like?
LISTER:
It's okay...
RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor.
10 - CGI shot
A plain black screen. Text appears:
5 minutes sshhlater...
11 - Int. Cell
LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking decidedly ill. ACKERMAN enters.
ACKERMAN:
In-spec-tion!
ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at them.
ACKERMAN:
On your feet...
RIMMER and LISTER attempt to do as ordered. Several long moments later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet.
ACKERMAN:
Stand by your bunks...
ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table, grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in front of the bunks.
ACKERMAN:
You're drunk.
LISTER:
Drunk, shir? (He shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop) No, sir.
RIMMER:
Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.
ACKERMAN:
(Ponders for a moment) Who fancies a kebab?
LISTER:
Oh yeah!
RIMMER:
Me, sir, me!
LISTER:
Oh smeg... he's shticked us.
RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds.
LISTER:
Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.
LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell.
ACKERMAN:
Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps. (He stares at LISTER with disgust) Super-suck...
12 - Int. Mess hall
KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT and some other prisoners are present. Enter BAXTER and two cronies.
KOCHANSKI:
It's Baxter...
BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table
BAXTER:
Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...
BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes them in his fists. He giggles insanely.
CAT:
You're gonna squeeze their rolls? That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!
BAXTER leaves.
KRYTEN:
What've I done!?
13 - Int. Medibay
LISTER and RIMMER are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s
RIMMER:
Uaaahhhhh...
KOCHANSKI and KRYTEN enter: KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns, KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak.
KOCHANSKI:
Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.
KRYTEN:
Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!
RIMMER:
Where's the Cat?
KRYTEN:
He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.
14 - Int. Mess hall
Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from
trays. CAT enters, steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man previously in the middle of the three prisoners.
CAT:
Pass the salt, would you?
As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back, the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to the prisoner sat at the end of the table.
CAT:
That guy there took some of your fries.
Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares at CAT again.
BIG MEAT:
What in the hell are you doin' -
He casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut.
BIG MEAT:
- Shirley?
CAT glances at the man's large stomach
CAT:
I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.
While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his sausage and bites off a chunk. He then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon down onto the tray.
CAT:
Mmm. This is good. Tasty.
BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly.
BIG MEAT:
There ain't no one more bad-ass evil in the whole of hell! What makes you think you can diss me and live?
CAT:
Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're my bitch! Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who simply stares at him in amazement.
BIG MEAT:
Your what?
CAT:
B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!
Understand?
Again CAT braces himself. BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag.
BIG MEAT:
Okay!
CAT:
What?
BIG MEAT:
Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be your bitch, that's fine by me! Sir!
CAT:
You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?
BIG MEAT:
No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over, sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!
CAT:
Then hit me! (He offers his jaw desperately)
BIG MEAT:
And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!
BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
as much as he can, panic on his face.
CAT:
Damn!
15 - Int. Medi-bay
LISTER, RIMMER and a NURSE are present; the NURSE leaves and CAT enters dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility dress and white cap, pressing himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. He then totters to LISTER's bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes
closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise.
CAT:
We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!
LISTER:
What's so special about five o'clock?
CAT:
Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!
16 - Int. Corridor
KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the corridor and he, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI and CAT exit.
17 - Int. Landing bay
They approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away
KRYTEN:
The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!
LISTER:
How?
RIMMER:
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on.
LISTER:
We've gotta go back and tell them.
RIMMER:
But what about our escape?
LISTER:
It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote.
RIMMER:
You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
KOCHANSKI:
No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
RIMMER:
Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
18 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13
CAPTAIN HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
and looks down at the inmates.
HOLLISTER:
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail.
19 - Model/CGI shot
Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
Starbug transport craft stream away
20 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor
KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI and RIMMER are here. KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark brown, jelly-like microbe.
KRYTEN:
Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
CAT:
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!
KRYTEN:
We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.
LISTER:
Something with a corrosive positivity?
CAT:
So where do we get that?
HOLLY:
(On LISTER's wristwatch) There's nothing in ‘Yellow Pages’.
KOCHANSKI:
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.
21 - Int. Recovery room
KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI and RIMMER are present. KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre of the room. He powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam touches its surrface.
KRYTEN:
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't now until we get there.
LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...
22- Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room
...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and that its contents have turned white.
23 - Int. Recovery room
An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER, bumps into a suddenly solid mirror.
24 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room
RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked. He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do.
25 - Int. Recovery room
The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
spiralling upwards.
KRYTEN:
It's overloaded! We've lost Mister RIMMER!
CAT:
At last, things are looking up!
LISTER:
How long's it going to take to fix that thing?
KRYTEN:
Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.
26 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room
RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls melodramatically. There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed.
34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room
A CREWMEMBER knocks on the door again.
27 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room
RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket. Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER, carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles sycophantically.
MIRROR HOLLISTER:
Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear? Here's your hot lemon, sir.
RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the insignias on MIRROR HOLLISTER's shirt.
RIMMER:
Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.
MIRROR HOLLISTER:
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.
RIMMER:
Of course, laddie. (He takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls) A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?
RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away.
MIRROR HOLLISTER:
(Exhales loudly) Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...
RIMMER:
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
MIRROR HOLLISTER:
Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?
RIMMER:
No, I don't think you could. (Takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly) Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite... (He puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows) My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...
Enter MIRROR TALIA.
MIRROR TALIA:
They said it was okay to drop by... You look wonderful...
RIMMER:
So do you... (To MIRROR HOLLISTER) That'll be all, shambles.
MIRROR HOLLISTER:
Yes, sir.
MIRROR TALIA:
You made Captain -
MIRROR HOLLISTER leaves.
MIRROR TALIA:
You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.
RIMMER:
So have I!
MIRROR TALIA:
Let me kiss you.
As MIRROR TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases her.
MIRROR TALIA:
What are you doing!?
RIMMER:
I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!
MIRROR TALIA:
But I'm your sister!
RIMMER sits bolt upright in the bed in shock.
RIMMER:
Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...
MIRROR TALIA:
You French-kissed me!
RIMMER:
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh... I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister? (He begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets out an abrupt groan and sits up again) Oh, my god, what a terrible dream! Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down here and give'us a big hug!
RIMMER reaches out, catching MIRROR TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled.
MIRROR TALIA:
Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual advisor!
She lets out a strained whimper and flees.
RIMMER:
Sis! Sister... whoever you are! Oh, smeg!
28 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office
MIRROR KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin blouse. RIMMER enters.
RIMMER:
Excuse me?
MIRROR KOCHANSKI:
Yes?
She speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine.
RIMMER:
I wonder, could you tell me what this is?
MIRROR KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up.
MIRROR KOCHANSKI You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey brain-box type stuff.
A door, marked 'AERA DRAZAH swings open, and MIRROR CAT enters, wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his hair in a short afro cut.
MIRROR CAT:
Somebody call?
RIMMER:
Professor!?
MIRROR CAT:
Yes, Captain?
RIMMER:
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
RIMMER:
hands him the test tube, which MIRROR CAT sniffs.
MIRROR CAT:
Hmm.
CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more and frowns at the contents.
MIRROR CAT:
Hmmm, its an alkali.
RIMMER:
Oh yes? What's it called?
MIRROR CAT:
Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. You look surprised.
RIMMER:
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
MIRROR CAT:
Certainly. (To MIRROR KOCHANSKI)Can I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?
29 - Int. Recovery room
The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him. He is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears.
RIMMER:
The antidote; I did it!
RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.
30 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room
RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes, the ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. He pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic.
RIMMER:
Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER:
They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I suppose that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER:
Smeg off!
31 - Int. Recovery room
RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at the machine, and the problem is immediately obvious: the microbe has spread and the machine is a half-melted, corroding mess. RIMMER stares at the formula on his piece of paper, and dashes out.
32 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room
Dodging blasts of burning steam, RIMMER runs back out into the corridor, just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, but is pulled up short by the DISPENSER.
DISPENSER:
Where are you going?
RIMMERshakes the paper at the machine.
RIMMER:
To make up a formula!
DISPENSER:
I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!
RIMMER stares at the garbled letters on the paper, as smoke, rolling in from the fire behind him, begins to obscure his vision.
RIMMER:
Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster!
DISPENSER:
No, there still could be a happy ending.
RIMMER:
How?
DISPENSER:
You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it.
RIMMER:
How's that a happy ending?
DISPENSER:
Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally.
RIMMER:
Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!
The remains of the universe device explode messily, turning the fire behind RIMMER into an inferno. He runs for cover down the corridor.
DISPENSER:
Every dog has its day, and today's the day...
The DISPENSER takes careful aim, and launches a high-velocity fizzy drink can through the air after RIMMER.
33 - Int. Far end of Corridor
The can smacks RIMMER neatly on the back of the head, and he drops to the deck like a stone.
34 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room
DISPENSER:
...that I'm the dog!
35 - Int. Far end of Corridor
Stunned and in pain, RIMMER is on his hands and knees on the deck, the heat of the expanding fire singeing his back. Slowly he holds up the strip of paper with the microbe formula; it has caught fire as RIMMER fell to the deck, and perhaps a third of it has burned away already.
RIMMER:
Smeg...
Struggling to retain consciousness, he lets the paper fall and sinks tiredly to the deck; nothing left to run to, and soon nothing even to run from. Exhausted, the air in the corridor growing hot and thin, RIMMER watches the flames lick at and burn away his last chance of salvation, when
a foot, wearing a brown, open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames. RIMMER looks slowly up the tall figure, whose body is completely obscured by flowing robes that seem to be teased by a whistling wind and somehow distanced from the heat and flames around them. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade.
DEATH:
Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me.
Extending a hand, DEATH helps RIMMER to his feet as his deep, booming voice
drones on.
DEATH:
We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the -
RIMMER:
Not today, matey!
Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin. The skeletal chappie drops
his scythe and falls to his knees like a sack of potatoes.
RIMMER:
Remember: "Only the good die young".
A spring in his step. RIMMER turns on his heel and dashes away.
DEATH:
That's never happened before...
DEATH collapses onto the deck.
36 - CGI shot
A black screen; a steady wind can be heard, blowing gently. Fade up the
words:
THE END
After a few moments, the letters are deleted, making way for a replacement
message:
THE SMEG IT IS
Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten),
Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister),
Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Heidi Monsen (Talia), Tony Slattery (Dispensing Machine),
Ricky Grover (Baxter), David Verrey (Big Meat)
Directed by Andy De Emmony
TX:
BBC2 - 8th April 1999
Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly