'Nanarchy' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1 - SPACE

Planets in Space

KRYTEN (V.O.):
Last week, something terrible happened to Mister Lister’s arm! Watch this!


2 – RECAP

Chamber within derelict – CAT is joined by KOCHANSKI and KRYTEN.

CAT:
Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there!

Cut to: Interior Starbug at night. Ice breaks open, rotting feet touch the floor, and a decomposing figure shuffles out of the medibay. Cut to: Sleeping quarters at night. LISTER struggles in a clinch with the zombie. She pins him down and plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. The corpse then goes limp, and LISTER pushes her away, spitting out chunks of tongue and spongy jawbone. Cut to: Interior Starbug mid-section.

LISTER:
I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!

Cut to: Interior Starbug mid-section. LISTER, KOCHANSKI and KRYTEN are present.

KRYTEN:
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mister Epideme, no matter how drastic?

LISTER:
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?

Cut to: Interior Starbug medibay. KRYTEN, CAT and KOCHANSKI are present, LISTER lies unconscious on the bed. Desperately, KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle of LISTER’s upper arm. Cut to: Int. Starbug medibay.

LISTER:
My left arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right??

KOCHANSKI:
We did the best we could; I am so sorry.

KRYTEN and CAT rush in.

KRYTEN:
Mister Lister, sir, you're awake!

CAT:
Buddy, you look great!

CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers him a handshake. He realises his mistake and slinks back.

TITLE SEQUENCE


3 – INT. STARBUG MIDSECTION

LISTER playing the guitar, but only his left hand on the fretboard is visible. Pull out to see that KRYTEN is leaning over LISTER’s right shoulder and strumming the guitar. The noise is still hideous. Pull out further to see KOCHANSKI and CAT.

KRYTEN:
Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can still play the guitar!

LISTER:
Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only half crap...

KRYTEN:
We should still count all our blessings, sir.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are countless people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a perfectly - (She mimes the verbal quote marks using only one hand) - ‘normal’ life.

LISTER:
Like who?

KRYTEN:
Oh, there are thousands, sir. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.

LISTER:
Like?

KOCHANSKI:
More than thousands.

LISTER:
Who?

KOCHANSKI:
Millions!

LISTER:
Who??

KRYTEN:
Well, I don't know if I could name them all individually, but -

LISTER:
Name one.

KRYTEN:
One?

LISTER:
Mm.

KRYTEN:
You want me to name as many as that? Er -

KOCHANSKI:
Lord Nelson. He beat the French.

KRYTEN:
Lord Nelson! Thank you, ma'am. He beat the French.

LISTER:
Who else?

KRYTEN:
Well, er, err...

KOCHANSKI:
The ‘Venus de Milo'.

KRYTEN:
The 'Venus de Milo'. No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her from pursuing a highly successful modelling career.

LISTER:
Go on.

KRYTEN:
Go on?

LISTER:
You said there were millions; that's two, and one of them's a statue. So go on. Name five.

KRYTEN:
Five? Right, well... there's, um. Ahem. There's Lord Nelson, and, er, Miss De Milo, and then there's, um, the, well, em... Help us! Er, the, um -

CAT:
The painter dude!

LISTER:
What 'painter dude'?

CAT:
The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm! Van Go-Go-Gogh.

LISTER:
He had one ear, Cat. He cut the other one off.

CAT:
Did he?

LISTER:
Yes.

CAT:
See? That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and you're worried about not leading a normal life.

KOCHANSKI:
There must be more... erm... That guy from 'The Fugitive'! He had one arm, what was his name?

LISTER:
'The One-Armed Man'.

KOCHANSKI:
That's him! See? That's three.

LISTER:
He was a murderer.

KOCHANSKI:
Was he?

LISTER:
Yeah. He killed Dr. Richard Kimbal's wife.

KOCHANSKI:
But that proves my point. You see, if that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied woman, minus a major extremity, then I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

LISTER:
Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't any noteworthy one-armed people from history - you can't even name five.

KOCHANSKI:
Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from 'The Fugitive'; the 'Venus de Milo'; Van Gogh, and... one more...

CAT:
That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people!

LISTER:
What one who robbed people?

CAT:
The… (Does a little Mexican dance) …One-Armed Bandit..!

LISTER:
That's a machine, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the Twentieth Century.

CAT:
And it only had one arm? What a heart-warming story...

KOCHANSKI:
And Dave Lister. There, that's five.

LISTER:
(Sighing) I'm going to the loo. I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty-five minutes to unbutton me flies, I should probably make a start...

KOCHANSKI:
Do you need a hand..? Oh my god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... sorry, I didn't - Sorry. Sorry! SORRY!! Sorry.


4 – INT. LISTER’S QUARTERS

KRYTEN ties a napkin around LISTER’s neck, and hands him a cup of tea.

KRYTEN:
Biscuit, sir?

LISTER:
Please.

KRYTEN dunks LISTER’s biscuit.

KRYTEN:
Another bik-bik?

LISTER:
Yes, please.

KOCHANSKI enters.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten..? What are you doing?

KRYTEN:
I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. It's another of life's joys, of which poor Mister Lister has been robbed. Isn't that right, sir?

LISTER:
Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit of an itch.

KOCHANSKI:
Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got one arm.

KRYTEN scratches LISTER’S nose

KRYTEN:
There. Is that better, sir?

LISTER:
Yeah, a bit.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independent. He doesn't need you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid.

KRYTEN:
But he does, he does! Don't you, sir? Another slurp of tea, sir?

KOCHANSKI:
Oh, this is making me sick.

KRYTEN helps LISTER to slurp some tea from the cup.

KRYTEN:
Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly suppertime. Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks.

LISTER:
Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast?

KRYTEN:
Oh, just like you asked for, sir.

KOCHANSKI:
Asked for..?

KRYTEN:
Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!

KRYTEN whips off LISTER’s bib, as the invalid stands up

LISTER:
I wanna stretch me legs... take a walk around the ship.

KRYTEN:
Just opening the door for you, sir. (He opens the door)There we go, the door's open, sir.

LISTER:
Cheers.

LISTER walks into the corridor, followed by KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI. LISTER walks away

KRYTEN:
(Calling after LISTER) Just closing the door now, sir. The door's closing, sir, the door's nearly closing, and it's closed, sir.

KOCHANSKI:
Florence Nightingdroid... could I have a word?

KRYTEN:
Certainly, ma'am.


5 – INT. MEDIBAY

KOCHANSKI:
Look, deep down I'm a big softie. The first time I saw ‘Gone With The Wind’ I went through a whole box of tissues. 'Now Voyager', I was so choked up I couldn't speak for twenty minutes.

KRYTEN:
I'll make a note, ma'am... 'Now Voyager'… Worth keeping on stand-by... Carry on, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI:
I'm saying, I'm not a heartless bitch. So you'll understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy. Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his own, it's the only way.

KRYTEN:
I don't understand, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI:
By helping him, you're not helping him.

KRYTEN:
But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants!

KOCHANSKI:
Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'?

KRYTEN:
Does it involve dressing up?

KOCHANSKI:
No. It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister’s case, one hand!

KRYTEN:
I see. So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth again?

KOCHANSKI:
I do, yes. I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you.

KRYTEN:
I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time!

KOCHANSKI:
'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what that means. I have a feeling I know, and if I'm right, it's the grossest thing I have ever heard!

KRYTEN:
I mean his mouth... I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..?

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah... that's what I thought... (Coughs) And it's absolutely gross! Mouth crumbs... eurgh! Disgusting.


6 – INT. STARBUG MIDSECTION

LISTER and CAT are sat at the scanner table across a draughts board.

CAT:
It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm... that is one terrible thing.

LISTER:
(Thoroughly fed up) Your move.

CAT:
Can you imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the next: (mimes cutting off an arm with a chainsaw) Vvreeee… Doof: you got one. Phewwwie. That's tough.

LISTER:
Your move.

CAT:
And it stands to reason we must need two arms - that's why we got two arms. Well, 'cept you.

LISTER:
Your move...

CAT:
You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my life?" But I've been thinking about this and I think the answer is: "Yes, it is".

LISTER:
Your smegging move...

CAT:
If it were me, I couldn't survive. First chance I get I'd climb to the top of my tallest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something. I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.

LISTER:
Your move.

CAT:
But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull terrier, a real ugly son-of-a-bitch. It loses it's leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to you "hey man, I've only got three legs, will lady pitbulls still like me?" (He laughs) I mean, you've got to stop from laughing, haven't you? He's ugly with four legs! He's ugly with three! Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a suit and gave him a carnation. So here's something I think is gonna cheer you up!

LISTER:
It's your move.

CAT:
Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy!

LISTER:
MOVE!!

CAT:
Okay, okay, I'm going… I don't think you've been listening to a thing I've said…


7 – INT. SPACE

Starbug flies through space.


8 – INT. MEDIBAY

KRYTEN is supervising LISTER, who is sitting in a chair with his new synthetic arm resting on a unit at his side. The arm is very fat, bright pink, and looks like it has fallen off of a Muppet.

KRYTEN:
Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the Twenty-First Century. Er, comfortable, sir?

LISTER:
It's fine, yeah.

KRYTEN:
Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurones which run up to the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your body. Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys. Now, let's practice. Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think: "arm - pick up the ball".

LISTER:
Okay.

KRYTEN:
Now just think: "I will pick up the ball".

LISTER:
I will pick up the ball.

KRYTEN:
That's right, good, now, concentrate.

LISTER:
I will pick up the ball.

KRYTEN:
Okay, now really think: “hand, pick up the ball”. That's right, that's right. “Hand, pick up the ball”. “Hand, pick up the ball”! That's right, now keep going, sir! “Pick up the ball”! Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir! “Hand, pick up the ball”!

As KRYTEN offers his verbal support in ever increasing volume, LISTER strains and grunts, effort twisting his feature as the hand lies motionless.

KRYTEN:
That's right, sir, now keep going, now really think, now. “Hand, pick up the ball”! Now let's really get it going, sir! “Pick up the ball”! ”Pick up the ball”! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR! “HAND, PICK UP THE BALL”, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU CAN DO IT! “HAND, PICK UP THE BALL”! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR!! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!! PICK UP THE BALL!! YES SIR! YES! WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES!! Oh! Bravo, sir!!

LISTER successfully moves the hand from its resting place to grab the ball which has sat motionless, three or four inches away from where he started.

LISTER:
Oh! The sweat's dripping off me!

KRYTEN:
Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a dream!

LISTER:
Is that it?

KRYTEN:
Well, er, how do you mean, sir?

LISTER:
Is that the best it works? In other words, if I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?

KRYTEN:
It was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit.

LISTER:
A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.

KRYTEN:
Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more sensitive. (He adjusts LISTER’s arm) Okay, let's try again: "Hand, pick up the ball".

LISTER:
Okay... hand, pick up, the ball.

LISTER’s arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN’s jaw.

KRYTEN:
Okay... right... well, er, let's try again.

LISTER:
Okay?

KRYTEN:
Now: "hand, pick up the ball".

LISTER:
“Hand, pick up the ball”.

The arm flings itself out sideways and belts KRYTEN again.

KRYTEN:
I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving the arm.

LISTER:
I don't feel angry..?

KRYTEN:
Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every right to feel angry.

LISTER:
I don't! I promise, I don't!

KRYTEN:
Ah well, you see, it's subconscious. You're thinking "hand, pick up the ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head. Beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm". Am I right?

LISTER:
Kryten, that's rubbish!

Again the arm punches KRYTEN, sending the droid reeling.

LISTER:
You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious!

KRYTEN:
It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir. Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head!


9 – INT. STARBUG MIDSECTION

LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI are sitting at the table. KRYTEN brings in a tray of food.

KOCHANSKI:
There must be a solution to this.

CAT:
Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha'd'ya say, motherboarder?

KRYTEN:
Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible for Mister Lister even to get it up.

CAT:
He could always take it off if he was going on a date.

LISTER:
Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving ice-cubes and any puckered body cavity.

KOCHANSKI:
Wait a minute... what about your self-repair system? Can't that help?

KRYTEN:
Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI:
When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots. Sub-atomic?

KRYTEN:
Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms and then recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology.

CAT:
Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do the big writing version, with pictures. One word per page?

KRYTEN:
Let me think of a cogent paradigm...

CAT:
I'd rather have a good example..?

KRYTEN picks up a pencil

KRYTEN:
This, is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms. (Points to CAT’s cufflinks) This is diamond, it too is made of carbon atoms. Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil, move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.

CAT:
It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils??

KRYTEN:
It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.

KOCHANSKI:
So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave? Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?

KRYTEN:
Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.

LISTER:
Why not?

KRYTEN:
I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When and where I can't be exactly certain.

LISTER:
But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm?

KRYTEN:
Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir. It would be like looking for a needle in a male student's flat.

KOCHANSKI:
When was the last repair they made?

KRYTEN:
When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.

LISTER:
That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.

KRYTEN:
That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.

LISTER:
Ah. Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.

KRYTEN:
But I promise you it's futile, sir.

LISTER stares hard at KRYTEN.

KRYTEN:
I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths...


10 – INT. SPACE

Starbug flies through space, past several large planets.


11 – INT. STARBUG

LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI, all dressed in grey coveralls, shuffle along a corridor, and enter the cockpit. They have obviously just woken up after a long period of hibernation

LISTER:
Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the smeg are we?

KOCHANSKI:
The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up something.

LISTER:
Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead?

KRYTEN:
Just scanning, sir. No, that's ridiculous...

KOCHANSKI:
What is?

KRYTEN:
It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. Er, must be a scanner fault. Re-scanning. What? Again?

LISTER:
What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake.

KRYTEN:
Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf...

LISTER:
Bahh, must be on the blink.

KOCHANSKI:
Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.

KRYTEN:
We spent two weeks checking that out.

CAT:
I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.

KRYTEN:
However, there is one additional factor.

KOCHANSKI:
Which is..?

KRYTEN:
That we've been here before.

CAT:
Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time.

KRYTEN:
In this sector of the galaxy, sir... Doesn't it look familiar?

LISTER:
Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar.

KRYTEN:
If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.

LISTER and CAT take a look outside.

LISTER:
That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you thinking what I'm thinking?

CAT:
I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real mistake if you put them on inside out. What are you thinking?

LISTER:
Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and ice-cubes, again.

KRYTEN:
This planetoid, let's check it out.

KOCHANSKI:
According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there. Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.


12 – INT. PLANETOID

The buggy slowly drives through a violent sandstorm


13 – INT. BUGGY

LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI wearing suits and goggles.

LISTER:
Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.

CAT:
Looks kinda blowy.

KOCHANSKI:
It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.

CAT:
You can say that again. There must be more electricity out there than the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break in the Olympic ‘All-Girls Custard Wrestling’ finals!

CAT goes out into the storm. The wind blows madly into the buggy, whipping up a mini sandstorm which clears as the door closes.

LISTER:
Phew!

KOCHANSKI:
I can't believe you're here. Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out?

LISTER:
He's not me mum, Kris. I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised he'd be back by tea.

CAT returns: his hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm.

CAT:
(Coughs) It's impossible out there!

LISTER:
Do you need some different goggles?

CAT:
No, I need a comb!

CAT finds one. Grins, then exits.

KOCHANSKI:
Sweet?

LISTER:
Yeah, thanks.

KOCHANSKI hands him a sweet in a wrapper. LISTER fumbles with the wrapper for some time before the sweet pops eventually out and lands on the floor.

KOCHANSKI:
Here, have another one...

LISTER:
I can do it.

KOCHANSKI:
Look, don't be silly, let me.

LISTER:
I can do it, really. I'm not an idiot.

LISTER finds the sweet on the floor. It’s covered in fluff, fibres, and other revolting stuff. He eats it. KOCHANSKI looks on horrified. LISTER starts to choke. He opens the door and spits the sweet into the storm. He closes the door and turns to KOCHANSKI. The sweet is stuck to his forehead. KOCHANSKI removes it, opens her door, and throws it out. The sweet is blown back in, and lands once again on LISTER’s forehead. He peels it off and throws it on the floor.

LISTER:
Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm... does it - does it make any difference to anything? I mean, if you were a female pitbull terrier, how would you feel about a three-legged - Does it make any difference to... well, plucking any old relationship out of the air - us?

KOCHANSKI:
Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum. And I still do. So, no, none at all.

LISTER:
I need to know, is this (He points to his lack of arm) going to make any difference to women?

KOCHANSKI:
Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you. Okay?

LISTER:
Really?

KOCHANSKI:
Really.

LISTER:
What about sex?

KOCHANSKI:
Not here, it's too sandy.

CAT enters.

KOCHANSKI:
How'd you get on?

CAT:
Take a look.

CAT hands the analyser to LISTER.

LISTER:
This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms! They've been engineered, nanobotically!

KOCHANSKI:
From what?

LISTER:
Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this planetoid's Red Dwarf...

CAT opens the door and heads out again.

KOCHANSKI:
Where are you going?!

CAT:
I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it might be worth checking out!

LISTER:
What stuff?

CAT:
Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and see for yourself!


14 – EXT. STARBUG ON PLANET


15 – INT. STARBUG HOLD

KRYTEN watches as the others bring a trunk in.

KRYTEN:
Oh, I was beginning to worry..! Oh! What on earth is this?

LISTER:
The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. Supplies, bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. It's like a giant car boot sale!

CAT:
I think we got some valuable stuff!

LISTER looks through contents.

LISTER:
What... napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark..? What a haul...

KOCHANSKI:
There must be some useful stuff...

CAT:
I couldn't see what I was getting...

LISTER pulls out a large watch-like device and buffs it's surface. The watch screen suddenly comes to life, displaying the familiar image of a middle aged, balding man’s disembodied head.

HOLLY:
All right, dudes?

LISTER:
What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?

HOLLY:
Those little wotsits...

KOCHANSKI:
Nanobots?

HOLLY:
They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't want on that planetoid!

LISTER:
What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off without you?

HOLLY:
Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.

KRYTEN:
Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly!

HOLLY:
What's happened to him..? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it, a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it?

KRYTEN:
Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten.

HOLLY:
Kryten? I'm sorry, mate, it's the way the light was shining on your... what's the right word? Face, I suppose. Just didn't recognise you for a minute. Never forget a face, usually, never.

KRYTEN:
It's good to see you again.

HOLLY:
And you are..?

LISTER:
Unbelievable... dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost nothin'.


16 – INT. STARBUG MIDSECTION

Everyone sitting around the table.

LISTER:
So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf?

KRYTEN:
They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big.

KOCHANSKI:
But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.

LISTER:
Yeah, they can take a ‘Pot Noodle’ and turn it into food!

KOCHANSKI:
So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping?

CAT:
Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour trail?

KRYTEN:
Red Dwarf.

CAT:
Did someone just turn over two pages at once?

KRYTEN:
We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute and hard to pinpoint.

KOCHANSKI:
So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy.

LISTER:
Until we finally lost track of the readings - probably because of a scanner malfunction...

HOLLY:
(On Watch) That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.

CAT:
But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they out run us?

HOLLY:
Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside. To escape, they just had to stop.

KOCHANSKI:
You mean, the nanos could be in here..? On board Starbug somewhere?

LISTER:
Hey... he could be right.

HOLLY:
He's back... kicking bottom, or what?


17 – INT. COCKPIT

KRYTEN:
Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep.

LISTER:
What are you getting..?

KRYTEN:
Nothing yet... just two piece of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.

LISTER:
Keep going.

KRYTEN:
Narrowing parameters. Oh... oh my... you were right, sir. I think we've found them.

LISTER:
Where?


18 – INT. LISTER’S QUARTERS

ALL present, gathered around the linen basket in LISTER’s quarters.

KRYTEN:
They're there, okay.

LISTER:
So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my laundry basket?

KRYTEN:
Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy!

LISTER:
Hey, I like the sound of that: ‘Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap’!

HOLLY:
(On Watch)The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship, turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket. How could you fall for an old scam like that?

KRYTEN hands KOCHANSKI the scanner.

KRYTEN:
Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change?

KRYTEN holds a glass and a piece of card and rifles through the basket, clamping the card over the glass.

LISTER:
Same.

KRYTEN rummages through the basket again.

LISTER:
Still the same.

KRYTEN rifles through the basket a third time.

LISTER:
Still the same!

KOCHANSKI:
They've changed!

KRYTEN:
Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarrassment they've caused me!

LISTER:
Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..?

KRYTEN:
Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact...

KRYTEN taps repeatedly on the side of the glass with a pencil.

KRYTEN:
Can you hear me, you pesky little critters? We want our ship back, and we want a new arm for Mister Lister! Are you receiving me? Ah, we have contact...

On a scanner has appeared a mass of little sparkly dots – the nanites. They converse with KRYTEN in a high-pitched noise.

KRYTEN:
They're communicating in machine code; leave the talking to me. Have you any idea what you've done? Deserting your droid, you've broken every reg in the manual! And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably..! Er... it's unbelievably..! Naughty! Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mister Lister. If you don't, you'll get more of this...

KRYTEN raps on the side of the glass with the pencil again. The nanites shriek in terror.


19 – INT. MEDIBAY

LISTER:
So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone tissue?

KRYTEN:
I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I say!

LISTER:
Where are they?

KRYTEN:
Here. (Holds up index finger) On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them. All I have to do now is insert them into your body.

LISTER:
...What with?

KRYTEN:
Hypodermic, sir.

LISTER:
Thank god for that...


20 – INT. MEDIBAY

KRYTEN, CAT and KOCHANSKI enter with their hands over their eyes. They turn around so that they face away from LISTER, who is out of shot.

KOCHANSKI:
I can't bear to look... has it worked? Someone tell me!

KRYTEN:
Let's all turn around, after three.

CAT:
One - two - three!

They spin around, and look at LISTER’s new arm - or, more accurately, LISTER’s entirely new body. In constructing the replacement limb, the nanobots have gone a bit overboard, and removed every bit of extraneous tissue and sagging muscle, giving LISTER the body of a steroid-addicted bodybuilder: muscles bulge under his clothes, and veins criss-cross under taut flesh. LISTER has his eyes closed in trepidation

LISTER:
Did it work?

KRYTEN:
It's... been a one hundred percent success, sir. In fact, it's been a five hundred percent success! In fact, they've... Well, if that's all, sir, I think I'll retire for the evening, good night!

LISTER:
Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.

KOCHANSKI:
They probably didn't mean any harm... I think they were trying to make up for before... we'll, get them to have another go, okay?

LISTER:
(Opens his eyes) AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!


21 – INT. STARBUG MIDSECTION

CAT is at his station at the helm. He suddenly blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.


22 – INT. SPACE

Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right - miles in any direction. Amongst the redness, there's a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver are two huge, red words: ‘RED DWARF’.

CAT V.O. :
Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job... Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember...

He pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying skills into account, there's is no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and the tunnel walls.


23 – INT. RED DWARF

Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very large Starbug in a very large docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT deftly pilots his Starbug under the bulbous body of the other craft and through it's pillar-like legs.

CAT (V.O.):
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!


Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 7th March 1997

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Cat, Kryten, Christine Kochanski and Holly