'Meltdown' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1 Int. Sleeping Quarters.

CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are sitting round a table in the sleeping quarters. CAT and LISTER are playing a card game and RIMMER is regaling them with tales of his youth. As the scene opens we see that CAT and LISTER seem to be in some kind of pain.

RIMMER:
So there we were at 2:30 in the morning; I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school. To the south lay water - there was no way we could cross that. To the east and west two armies squeezed us in a pincer. The only way was north; I had to go for it and pray the Gods were smiling on me. I picked up the dice and threw two sixes. Caldecott couldn't believe it. My go again; another two sixes!

LISTER:
Rimmer, what's wrong with you? Don't you realise that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying? You've got this major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you're boring people to death! How come you can't sense that?

RIMMER:
Anyway I picked up the dice again... Unbelievable! Another two sixes!

LISTER:
Rimmer!

RIMMER:
What?

LISTER:
No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your Cadet School Training Officer at 'Risk'.

RIMMER:
Then - disaster! I threw a two and a three; Caldecott picked up the dice and threw snake eyes - I was still in it.

LISTER:
Cat, can you talk to him?.

CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears. As LISTER talks to him he takes one of the pieces.

CAT:
What?

RIMMER:
Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four and a double five. After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six and a three.

CAT:
Man, this guy could bore for his country!

LISTER:
What I want to know, is how the smeg can you remember what dice you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?

RIMMER:
I jotted it down in my 'Risk' campaign book. I always used to do that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters. I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?

CAT:
Ya got me.

RIMMER:
So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.

LISTER:
Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me? I'm in a state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped. Shut the smeg up.

RIMMER:
Don't you want to hear the 'Risk' story?

LISTER:
That's what I've been saying for the last fifteen minutes.

RIMMER:
But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit...

LISTER:
What really interesting bit?

RIMMER:
Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one. I picked up the dice...

LISTER:
Hang on Rimmer, hang on... the really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit.

RIMMER:
You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you? For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head butted him on the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears. That would've been quite interesting.

LISTER:
OK, Rimmer. What did you do with the dice?.

RIMMER:
I threw a five and a two.

LISTER:
And that's the really interesting bit?

RIMMER:
Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.

Still the sleeping quarters but KRYTEN just appears out of nowhere, holding a piece of equipment - a teleport paddle.

KRYTEN:
Hmmm, curious...

He teleports into a different spot.

KRYTEN:
Extraordinary!

He teleports again.

KRYTEN:
What a truly copacetic piece of machinery.

LISTER:
What is it?

KRYTEN:
Well, basically it appears to be a device that converts an individual into digital information and then transmits him as light beams to another point in space. Essentially it's a matter-

He teleports once again.

KRYTEN:
-transporter. It's pretty neat.

KRYTEN teleports to another part of the room once more.

KRYTEN:
Ha!

CAT:
Where'd you get it from?

KRYTEN:
I think it must be a prototype. I found it in the Research Labs down on Z deck. I managed to cobble together the missing circuitry and it appears to be fully functional. Theoretically it can transport several people at once. (To LISTER) Would you like to grip a paddle, sir?

LISTER stands and grips a paddle.

KRYTEN:
We'll meet you by the NaviComp in Star Bug.

They both vanish.

RIMMER:
(To CAT) Let's go.

RIMMER and CAT get up and head off out the door. We stay focused on the room as a door in the background opens and we hear running water and see steam billowing out the door a wet LISTER and KRYTEN come out of the shower.

KRYTEN:
I'm sorry about that, sir. I neglected to engage the depth function.

LISTER:
We'll walk, Kryten. We'll walk.


2 Int. Star Bug.

The gang is sitting round chatting.

CAT:
So, besides cutting down on shoe leather, what good is it?

HOLLY:
Exploration: it can take you anywhere. It can home in on atmosphere bearing planets within a radius of 500,000 light years. If there are any life-forms in the local systems this thing'll take you straight to 'em.

RIMMER:
So are there any planets with an atmosphere in range?

KRYTEN:
Well, several according to the paddle's scanners, but the most interesting prospect appears to be 200,000 light years away. In the normal course of things it would take Star Bug several billion years to reach it.

LISTER:
It wouldn't be so bad - Rimmer could finish his ‘Risk’ story.

KRYTEN:
Travelling subspace via the paddle we would reach it almost instantaneously.

LISTER:
Well, what are we waiting for?

CAT:
Ah ah ah! Nobody's rearranging my molecules.

KRYTEN:
It's perfectly safe, sir, but I do suggest that Mr Rimmer and I go on ahead as a scout party.

RIMMER:
What?

KRYTEN:
Well, if the atmosphere isn't breathable we won't be affected. If it is, we can send the paddle back to pick you up.

RIMMER:
The thing is, Kryters, I would love to be in the advanced scout party facing all those thrilling unknown dangers with you, fighting a frontierman's path through a jungle of discovery, but you're forgetting one thing.

KRYTEN:
No sir, I've taken your congenital cowardliness into consideration.

RIMMER:
I'm a hologram. I can't touch the thing. How could it transport me?

HOLLY:
Well, of course, you do have a small physical presence.

KRYTEN:
Precisely. Holly, would you give me Mr Rimmer's light-bee, please.

RIMMER:
Wait a minute.

RIMMER whites out and then is gone. KRYTEN is left holding the light-bee that flies around emitting RIMMER’s holographic image.

RIMMER:
(In a high pitched voice) Where am I?

LISTER:
This is Rimmer?.

LISTER gets up, walks over to KRYTEN and takes the light-bee from him.

HOLLY:
Yeah, it buzzes around inside him and projects his image.

LISTER tosses the light-bee up in the air and catches it in his mouth then spits it out and catches it.

RIMMER:
My God, that was disgusting!

KRYTEN:
Please sir, that's a very sophisticated piece of hardware-

LISTER:
Really? Anyone fancy a game of squash?

KRYTEN:
Sir!

LISTER hands the light-bee back to KRYTEN.

KRYTEN:
Thank you. Now, if all goes well the paddle will re-materialise here. Simply press this green key and you'll be transported down to the planet, a safe distance from us.

LISTER:
OK.

Kryten activates the paddle and then they are gone.


3 Ext. A Field.

There's plenty of green grass, trees in the background, etc. RIMMER appears out of nowhere and staggers, then looks around.

RIMMER:
What is this place?

KRYTEN:
Well I can't pinpoint our location precisely but, ah, the atmosphere is indeed breathable I'll return the paddle.

The paddle vanishes.

RIMMER:
What now?

KRYTEN is looking off camera and up he looks a little worried.

KRYTEN:
Well, I suggest we start to run, sir. I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.

RIMMER:
Why?

KRYTEN:
Because of them, sir.

We see something that looks like a tyrannosaurus with feathers, wings, a bird's head, and which looks not only rather hungry, but also pretty unconvincing.

KRYTEN:
Sir?

We see KRYTEN looking very worried and RIMMER running full tilt off into the distance.


4 Int. Star Bug.

The paddle re-appears.

LISTER:
Must be safe, let's go.

He and CAT activate the paddle and vanish.


5 Int. A large room.

An old-fashioned room with a chandelier and a big Nazi flag on the wall. There is a large table in the room with a fireplace in the background. There are three people in the room. The table is set out as a war planning map. The people appear to be HITLER and two of his aids.

HITLER:
This vill be ze final push, mine Komrades. Zair resources are poor zair vill ist veek!

LISTER and CAT appear in the background.

HITLER:
Ve can crush zem, Ve can grind zem into zer dirt, Ve can chew up zair bodies and spit zem out as if zey are Sauerkraut!

LISTER is trying to get the paddle to work but hasn't got the settings right yet.

HITLER:
Intruders! Seize zem!

LISTER:
So long-

LISTER and CAT teleport on to the table.

LISTER:
-Suckers!

HITLER:
Dummkopfs! Arrest zem!

CAT:
Get us out of here.

LISTER:
Don't panic me, man! I'm doing my best!


6 Int. Dark Space.

LISTER and CAT teleport to a place that is dark and small.

CAT:
Where are we?

LISTER:
Don't know.

LISTER flicks on his lighter.

LISTER:
Stone; We're in some kind of narrow stone passage way.

CAT:
So what do we do?

LISTER:
I can see daylight. I don't know, we could just stand around here I suppose, 'til we work out were we are.


7 Int. Large Room.

In the room with HITLER and his men, we see the fireplace, in which we see two pairs of legs: LISTER's and CAT's.


8 Int. Dark Chimney.

LISTER:
At least we're out of trouble.

CAT:
Who were those guys?

LISTER:
Well the short one with the stupid 'tache was Hitler, and the jerky one with the child molester glasses that was Goebbels; suppose the fat bastard must've been Goering. Must've been. He was a cocaine addict and a transvestite {some thing}. If things'd worked out different he had the makings of a major movie star.

HITLER:
(VO) Hands up, pig dogs!

LISTER:
Think I've just worked out were we are.

HITLER:
Get the machine!


9 Int. Large Room.

LISTER and CAT are led out of the room.

CAT:
You seriously telling me he's a transvestite?

LISTER:
Yeah...

CAT:
With those hips?


10 Ext. Forest.

A brief scene of the monsters from earlier stamping across the screen then we switch to RIMMER and KRYTEN walking down a tree covered path.

RIMMER:
I think we've lost them.

KRYTEN:
I can't tell you how feeble and improbable those creatures were, sir. I've seen more convincing dinosaurs given away free with a packet of ‘Wheaty Flakes’. There's something wrong here...

ELVIS leaps in behind them with a machine gun.

ELVIS:
Reach for the sky, boys. Thank-you-very-much. Uh-huh-huh.

POPE GREGORY:
Lets take ita nice and easy. No funny business or I splasha your guts around likea da communion wine.

ELVIS:
OK, now get moving. Thank-you-very-much.

RIMMER:
Which way?

ELVIS:
(Doing a classic move, he points) Thataway.


11 Int. Prison Cell.

LISTER and CAT are in a prison cell with bars on the window, one bed and a large metal cabinet in the corner.

CAT:
What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?

LISTER:
What ever it takes to find out about the paddle.

CAT:
Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word torture - I can take it!

LISTER:
OK, then, they'll torture us.

CAT:
Waaaaah! Torture us! Waaaaaah!

LISTER:
Probably won't, man. They're probably not even interested in the paddle. They'll probably just take us outside and execute us.

CAT:
You're just saying that to make me feel better. It's just those guys are fiends. They instantly know your weak spots. As soon as they see me they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.

LISTER:
Dunno what the smeg went wrong. Kryten never said anything about the paddle taking us back in time. Just supposed to transport us to the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere. How the smeg did we wind up in the middle of the Third Reich?

CAT:
What are those guys doing out there?.

LISTER:
Building something.

CAT:
What?

LISTER:
Oh nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, a modern art job. The kind you get in shopping malls.

CAT:
What's it made of?

LISTER:
Wood. It's a sort of inverted L shape in wood.

CAT:
Does it have a kind of rope motif?.

LISTER:
There's a sort of noose theme to it, yeah.

CAT:
Its gallows, right? Look, if it's gallows, say it's gallows - I can take it.

LISTER:
OK, it's gallows.

CAT:
Waaaaah! They're building a gallows! They're hanging us! Waaaaah!

LISTER:
Look man, don't panic. We're gonna escape.

CAT:
How?

LISTER:
Just... hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.

CAT:
Are you insane? Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of season? I'd rather hang.

LISTER:
Hang on, hang on. Something's happening. Some kind of parade or drill but...

CAT:
But what?

LISTER:
Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis - they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognise him from Rimmer's record collection.

CAT:
What are they doing?.

LISTER:
Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Woah Woah! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.

CAT:
What?

LISTER:
Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.

CAT:
They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?

We hear gun shots. Lister looks shaken.

LISTER:
That's something no one should ever have to see.

Door opens and LINCOLN is thrown in the room.

LINCOLN:
My God, sirs, you may break our bones but you will never break our spirits! Good day, good sirs, the name's Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln.


12 Int. House.

A room with four people in it - EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN LAUREL and Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn is putting on makeup. EINSTEIN is sitting at a desk. PYTHAGORAS is standing at a blackboard. STAN LAUREL is just standing.

EINSTEIN:
We have to face facts: the war is lost.

STAN LAUREL:
But what are we gonna do?

PYTHAGORAS:
I don't know. I still feel there's a solution probably involving triangles.

EINSTEIN:
Pythagoras, what is it with you? Always with the triangles, your solution to everything is triangles! There are problems in that can't be solved by triangles.

Enter POPE GREGORY and ELVIS with RIMMER and KRYTEN.

POPE GREGORY:
Hey, we got us some prisoners.

ELVIS:
Anybody got a burger? I haven't eaten in 5 minutes. Thank-you-very-much.

RIMMER:
Errr, could someone tell me what's going on here?

PYTHAGORAS:
Who are these people? They're not wax droids.

RIMMER:
Wax droids?

KRYTEN:
Of course! This whole place, the entire complex, is a colossal wax droid theme park. (Looks at a map.) See ‘Prehistoric World’? That must be where we materialised, and on either side ‘Villain World’ and ‘Hero World’.

RIMMER:
But I thought wax droids were programmed to repeat a simple sequence of routines over and over again.

KRYTEN:
Well, they must have broken their programming, and now they're running amok.

STAN LAUREL:
You see, we've been left here all alone for millions of years, an...bu...we..

PYTHAGORAS:
You see we learned to break our programs.

EINSTEIN:
And we've been fighting this idiotic, futile war ever since.

KRYTEN:
A war?

MARILYN MONROE:
Good versus evil, sugar.

RIMMER:
Where's the rest of your army?

STAN LAUREL:
They've all been killed.

ELVIS:
All our best warriors are gone, man: John Wayne, Sir Lancelot, Joan of Arc, Nelson, Wellington. Hell, baby, even Doris Day. They've all died in battle, man.

RIMMER:
And you're all that's left. Just a smattering of intellectuals, pacifists, and celebrities.

EINSTEIN:
We number less than twenty.

PYTHAGORAS:
If only we numbered twenty-one/, then at least we could form an equilateral triangle.

EINSTEIN:
Will you shut up already with the triangles! Everything is triangles, you're driving me crazy!

RIMMER:
Ah. Who do the enemy have?

PYTHAGORAS:
The cream of evil: Hitler, Napoleon, Mussolini, Caligula, the Boston Strangler, dozens of them.

STAN LAUREL:
And we don't even have a leader. We... haven't even got a chance.

RIMMER:
My God, Kryten, this is my destiny! I was born for this moment!

KRYTEN:
I'm not sure I'm following you, sir.

RIMMER:
Across that valley lies an army of darkness such as mankind has never seen. The only thing between them and total victory is this pathetic pocket of resistance without a leader, without a plan, and into this bleak arena steps a man; the man for the moment.

KRYTEN:
Who?

RIMMER:
Me! Who did you think, Pat Boone?

RIMMER:
Gentlemen! Ladies! Assemble your troops for inspection at 15:00 hours! Together with my valiant adjutant, Kryten, I'm gonna turn you into the meanest, fittest fighting machine that ever graced a battlefield. Come on, Kryten.

STAN LAUREL:
I don't want to fight. I might get killed.


13 Int. Prison Cell.

LINCOLN has been talking to LISTER and CAT.

LINCOLN:
And we've been fighting the Wax War ever since.

LISTER:
What's the point of this war?

LINCOLN:
They want our wax so they can melt us down, insert new programs and turn us into their own kind. That's why we're becoming so hopelessly outnumbered.

Two MEN enter the cell.

CALIGULA:
On your feet, pigs!

CAT:
Hey, buddy, we just {something}.

CALIGULA:
Silence, scum! (Wack - he hits LISTER in the face.) Do you not sink to your knees and bow in the presence of the emperor, Caligula?

CAT:
Who is this guy?

LISTER:
I think he was a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters, and ended up eating his son.

CAT:
Hey, a little advice, bud: we all feel peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.

CALIGULA:
You are an impudent fool! (Wack - he slaps LISTER again.)

LISTER:
Dunno who the other one is.

LINCOLN:
That's Rasputin, the most hated, loathed and despised man of his era.

CALIGULA:
This machine - how does it work?

LISTER:
Don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be here.

CALIGULA:
Very well, if that's the way you want to play it. Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!

LISTER:
Hang on, it's got something to do with travelling across sub-space.

CALIGULA:
Demonstrate.

LISTER:
Well, like I said, I don't really know.

CALIGULA:
Very well. Rasputin, bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest.

LISTER:
Hang on, I'll try my best! I'll try my best! Just give it here.

CALIGULA:
Aah, you think I'm insane?

CAT:
Shall we take a quick vote?

CALIGULA:
Silence, scum! (Wack - he slaps LISTER, not CAT.)

LISTER:
(To CAT) Shut up!

CALIGULA:
We will all hold on to it.

Everyone holds on to the paddle. LISTER, CAT and LINCOLN look at each other - when LISTER speaks the three of them let go.

LISTER:
Now!

Only CALIGULA vanishes.

LISTER:
Come on, let's get out of here.

They leave the cell. Just after they go, the door to the metal cabinet opens and CALIGULA and RASPUTIN exit.

CALIGULA:
Rasputin, I'm very cross indeed! Guards!


14 Ext. Field.

LISTER, CAT and LINCOLN are running across a field.

LINCOLN:
This way! If we make good time, we should be back at HQ by sunset.


15 Int. House.

Back at Headquarters.

RIMMER:
What a challenge - the greatest minds in military history against me! Let's pray they're up to it.

KRYTEN:
Are you sure your sanity chip is fully screwed in, sir? Have you any conception of what's lining up outside for your inspection?

RIMMER:
I'll soon shake them up. By God, I only wish the guys from the Io Amateur Wargamers and Recreaters of the Battle of Neasden Society could see me now. They'd choke on their pikestaffs.

Enter ELVIS.

ELVIS:
Thank-you-very-much, sir, thank-you.

RIMMER:
As you were, Sergeant Presley.

ELVIS:
Guys are outside, sir, awaiting inspection. Thank-you-very-much.

RIMMER:
Well done, Presley.

ELVIS:
Uh huh huh...

ELVIS:
You lead, sir. {Not sure about this too much laughing.}

RIMMER:
Kryten, let's see what we've got, eh?


16 Ext. House.

Outside the Headquarters the troops are lined up. The ones not mentioned by name: EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN LAUREL, POPE GREGORY, and MARILYN MONROE.

RIMMER:
What's your name, soldier?

KRYTEN:
His name's Gandhi, sir, Mahatma Ghandi.

RIMMER:
Well, get him out of that damm nappy and into a uniform. Have you no pride man? Don't you want to win this war? Don't eyeball me, Ghandi. Get on the floor and give me fifty, NOW!!.

They move on down the line.

KRYTEN:
Theresa, sir, Mother Theresa.

KRYTEN:
Assisi, sir, Saint Francis of Assisi

RIMMER:
There's only two kinds from Assisi, steers and queers - which are you, boy?

KRYTEN:
Ah! Moving hastily on, sir.

They come upon Santa Claus.

RIMMER:
What's he doing here?

KRYTEN:
He was posted here from the fiction section.

Moving on down the line.

KRYTEN:
The Dalai Lama.

KRYTEN:
Queen Victoria.

KRYTEN:
Mr Noel Coward.

NOEL COWARD:
Delighted to meet you, dear boy.

RIMMER:
Shut up.

KRYTEN:
Ah, Monsieur Jean-Paul Sartre, sir.

RIMMER:
Who?

KRYTEN:
He's a philosopher, sir - an existentialist.

RIMMER:
Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here, and we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and absurdity of the cosmos, clear? Well, you're quite the worst bunch of famous historical wax droids I've ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on! You're a total bloody shambles, and if we're going to win this war, someone is gonna have to turn you into soldiers, and that someone, ladies and gentlemen, is ME. Over to you, Kryten.

RIMMER:
(To Gandhi) I'm watching you, Gandhi.


17 Ext. A Dirt Road.

ARNOLD’s army jogs down the road in step, singing.

ELVIS:
We are tough and we are mean!

TROOPS:
Arnie Rimmer's death machine.

ELVIS:
All we do is kill and slay.

TROOPS:
Don't care if we get blown away.

ELVIS:
A R Hay Hi He

TROOPS:
A R Hay Hi He

ELVIS:
Arnie Rimmer's Death machineeeeen aeeeen aeeeen.


18 Int. House.

Back at HQ. Rimmer is in a general's outfit with a tin hat.

KRYTEN:
You're driving them too hard, sir.

RIMMER:
It's my job to drive them hard, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
Three of them have melted from exhaustion.

RIMMER:
Perhaps I have been a bit too tough, but it's for their own good.

KRYTEN:
You're killing them for their own good?

RIMMER:
Look, when they get out on that battlefield, don't they think the enemy are going to try and kill them?

KRYTEN:
They won't need to - you will have wiped them all out first.

RIMMER:
I know what I'm doing, Kryten. We attack tomorrow under cover of daylight.

KRYTEN:
Daylight, sir?

RIMMER:
It's the last thing they'll be expecting - a daylight charge over the minefield.

KRYTEN:
The what-field?

RIMMER:
Obviously, I'll have to co-ordinate things from back here. Now, this is the plan.

ELVIS brings in LISTER and CAT.

LISTER:
Rimmer!

ELVIS:
Thank-you-very-much, sir. People say they know you, sir. Thank-you-very-much.

RIMMER:
Listy! Welcome to command centre.

LISTER:
Rimmer, what's going on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun?

RIMMER:
That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now.

CAT:
What are you doing, buddy?

RIMMER:
I'm winning this war, that's what I'm doing, buddy. You won't believe what a ragamuffin bunch of lefty, wishy-washy liberals they were, before I knocked some good old fashioned death-or-glory bloodlust into them.

LISTER:
Rimmer, you've taken a group of holy men and pacifists and turned them into the ‘Dirty Dozen’!

RIMMER:
Oh, I can't take all the credit - couldn't have done it without Kryten here.

KRYTEN:
I'm sorry, sirs, I had no choice. I'm programmed to obey, no matter how psychotic and deranged the human order.

LISTER:
Rimmer, you're gonna get these guys wiped out, they're not soldiers!

CAT:
He's flipped.

KRYTEN:
With all respect, sir, he's right. I beg you to reconsider.

RIMMER:
They're only wax droids.

LISTER:
But Rimmer, they've broken their programming; they're capable of independent thought. That makes them alive, makes them practically people - I'm not gonna let you do it.

RIMMER:
Pardon me?

LISTER:
You 'eard me! If you can talk them into it, I can talk them out of it.

RIMMER:
I see. Sar'nt Presley?

ELVIS:
Thank-you-very-much, sir.

RIMMER:
Place these gentlemen under arrest until further notice. If they resist, shoot them.

ELVIS:
Reach for the sky, boys. Let me see them understains.

RIMMER:
Come on, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
Oh. He's been acting strangely ever since we landed here, sir. I think it might have affected his mind when you chewed his light bee.

LISTER:
I'll do more than chew his light bee when we get out of here.

RIMMER:
KRYTEEEEN!

ELVIS:
Thank-you-very-much, you've been wonderful prisoners, you really have.


19 Ext. Mine Field.

Arnie's army is spread out on a field. RIMMER rides up behind them on a motor bike.

RIMMER:
Well... Don't know about the enemy, but you certainly scare the hell out of me. Let's get this show on the road.

ELVIS:
Companayyy! ... Advance!

Arnie's army climb out of a dugout and advance on the enemy, machine guns blazing, everyone in a mad charge. We see KRYTEN standing with Queen Victoria

RIMMER:
Kryten, you know what you have to do.

KRYTEN walks off with QUEEN VICTORIA.

RIMMER:
Let's go, Holly.

HOLLY is in the headlight of the bike.

HOLLY:
OK, matey.


20 Ext. Carnage.

The army advances across the minefield - mines are exploding and there is lots of gun fire. Gandhi steps on a mine and explodes leaving only a pair of smoking boots. More scenes of Arnie's army advancing then we see Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa running across the field, yelling, and running straight into a mine and exploding again leaving smoking boots. Cut to RIMMER shaking his head. Cut to Santa blasting away with a machine gun. Cut to the Dalai Lama charging across the screen only to step on a mine and blow up as well. His robe floats down. Jean-Paul Sartre gets shot in the chest (all shots produce a white waxy liquid and the shot droid dies). St.Francis of Assisi is shot in the chest, while Noel Coward is shot in the leg.


NOEL COWARD:
Well shot.

The army advancing and either being shot or blown up.


21 Int. Enemy HQ.

HITLER, GOEBBELS, GOERING, a hooded KKK member and some unknowns are shooting out of the window.

HITLER:
Destroy them! Keep shooting them!

The door opens and QUEEN VICTORIA comes in with a machine gun and blasts away at them. As they all die, HITLER manages to shoot QUEEN VICTORIA. Moments after they die KRYTEN looks round the door; seeing them all dead he enters and pulls out a radio.

KRYTEN:
Iron Duke. Iron Duke. This is Pawn Sacrifice. Come in, please.

RIMMER:
(Over the radio) Kryten - how's it going?

KRYTEN:
I'm in the Third Reich building, minimal resistance. Just as you planned, the decoy charge has drawn their fire.

RIMMER:
OK. Now find the boiler room and hit the thermostat - they'll melt once it hits 100 degrees.

KRYTEN:
I'm on my way, sir.


22 Int. House.

Back in the Good Guys' HQ. LISTER and CAT are sitting with their hands tied behind them. RIMMER and KRYTEN enter.

RIMMER:
Victory, gentlemen! The fascists have fallen!

KRYTEN:
May I untie them now, sir.

RIMMER:
Rejoice! We conquer! Victory on Waxworld! It's 'VW Day'!

LISTER:
So you took the HQ Wiped them all out.

RIMMER:
To a droid.

KRYTEN:
It's true, all melted.

LISTER:
What about Arnie's army?

CAT:
Yeah, how many of them made it back?

RIMMER:
There are always casualties in war, gentlemen. Otherwise it wouldn't be war, just be a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing and shoving.

LISTER:
So how many survived?

RIMMER:
Well we haven't had time to make a full official estimate, but at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout none of them.

LISTER:
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet.

RIMMER:
You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see, the deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!

LISTER:
No it isn't, pal. You're still here.

RIMMER:
I brought about peace. Peace, freedom and democracy.

LISTER:
Yeah, Rimmer. Right. Absolutely. Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there safe under the knowledge that they snuffed it under a flag of peace and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom. Ya smeg head.

RIMMER:
There really is no pleasing some people, is there?

KRYTEN:
Well, at least we got the matter paddle back.

LISTER:
Well, there's nothing to stay here for. Let's get back.

RIMMER:
Shouldn't we go out onto the battlefield and bask in the glow of victory?

LISTER:
Holly? Give me his light bee. See ya, Rimmer.

LISTER swallows the light bee

KRYTEN:
Sir! What are you thinking of?

LISTER:
It's OK. He'll come out in a couple a days and he'll have been through what he put us through. Does any one fancy a vindaloo?


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)

Produced & Directed by Ed Bye

TX:
BBC2 - 29th March 1991

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Holly, Cat, and Kryten