'Krytie TV' by Doug Naylor

1 - Int. The Tank, Women’s Wing

Red Dwarf in space. The song ‘Stand By Your Man’ by Dolly Parton plays of this and the next four scenes…


2 - Int. The Tank, Women’s Wing

Several female prisoners shuffle along a corridor and proceed into the women's wing. KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter, but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard; he exits.


3 - Int. The Tank, Women’s Gymnasium

A group of female prisoners dressed in grey T-shirts and skirts are skipping in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group, dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily.


4 - Int. Kochanki's cell

KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI sitting on a bunk; KOCHANSKI is painting her nails red, while KRYTEN has painted most of his foot.


5 - Int./Ext. Women’s Showers

KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella and trying to read a book. 6 - Ext. Inside the Tank 7 - Int. Rimmer And Lister’s cell

RIMMER is sitting at the table reading; LISTER enters with a long piece of wood.

LISTER:
The post's arrived.

RIMMER:
Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.

LISTER:
Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collapsed on m' bed. (He starts to place it under his mattress) I think it was those beans. Oh, the mail. (Hands letters to RIMMER) Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?

RIMMER:
(Reads letters) Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the letters backwards.

LISTER:
Anything for you?

RIMMER:
Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the ‘Reader's Digest Lucky Dip’. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their ‘Lucky Dip' -

LISTER:
That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?

RIMMER:
- I've won either a holiday in Mauritioussp, a soft-top sports car, or a fabulous matching set of egg-cups. "Scrape with a coin to discover which".

He uses a coin on the card

RIMMER:
I've won the holiday!

LISTER:
What?

RIMMER:
Three million years into deep space, where I can't claim it, and I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritius! (Looks at another letter) Oh, they're taking the smeg...

LISTER:
What now?

RIMMER:
I've won the lottery as well. "To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street." Four million! No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.

LISTER:
It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale.

RIMMER:
(Holds another letter) Here's one for you.

LISTER:
Who from?

RIMMER:
Petersen. My God, that is tragic.

LISTER:
What's happened to him, has he died?

RIMMER:
Died? You think he'd write and tell you?

LISTER:
No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he. What's happened to him?

RIMMER:
(Reads letter) Something catastrophic, hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

LISTER:
Brilliant! Are you okay?

RIMMER:
Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.

LISTER:
I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?

RIMMER:
Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

LISTER:
You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end... Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're revising. Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic! "Ommmmm - Ommmmm"

RIMMER:
People who heard that formed self-help groups.

LISTER:
Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.

RIMMER:
Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.

A GUARD enters, carrying a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER before leaving.

LISTER:
Hey-hey! The axe-man is back! You beaut! Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!

RIMMER:
I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.

LISTER:
Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense...

RIMMER:
Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.

LISTER:
I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.

RIMMER:
I think they were thinking of me. Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break.

The GUARD enters.

GUARD:
Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.

He hands LISTER an envelope, and then leaves.

LISTER:
"Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah, whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation."

RIMMER and LISTER:
Yess!


8 - Starbug in Space

Starbug flies past


9 - Int. Starbug

LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY and several other Canaries are present; HOLLY is on a wall monitor.

KOCHANSKI:
Well, thanks to KILL CRAZY, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on.

KILL CRAZY:
I was standing there, right, and right in front of me was this weird sort of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tentacles. Yeah; it took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that?

Everyone gives a ‘look’

KRYTEN:
You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation.

LISTER:
I know, I know.

KRYTEN:
I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!

LISTER:
It's not fair, I know! It's just that - You shower with the girls?

KRYTEN:
Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy.

Everyone looks entranced in their own world

KRYTEN:
Can you imagine it? Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again! (Waves) Hello? Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious it isn't affecting me...

RIMMER:
We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you were saying...

All the men cross their legs

HOLLY:
It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.

KILL CRAZY:
Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you - y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant! Oi, I haven't seen a naked woman since... well, ever. Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?

RIMMER:
No, I forbid it!

LISTER:
Yeah, me - What?

RIMMER:
It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.

HOLLY:
All right, who are you? And what have you done with our Rimmer?

RIMMER:
Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position. Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking - I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.

CAT:
Appeal?

LISTER:
Yeah, I'm appealing.

HOLLY:
That's a minority view.

RIMMER:
Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be model prisoners.

KILL CRAZY:
Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!

CAT:
Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?

KRYTEN:
Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your moronic titillation?

CAT:
Yes, please!

KRYTEN:
If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.

KILL CRAZY:
Wait, what you doing?

KRYTEN:
I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves!


10 - Inspection Bay

All Canaries are lined up, guards and wardens are present. GOVERNOR ACKERMAN, wearing sunglasses, walks down stairs to stand in front of them

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
I'm going to make this quick, and easy. Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged. You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten seconds, during which I want whoever took it... (He takes off his sunglasses) …to return my glass eye.

He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries.

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
Kill the lights.

The chamber goes dark.

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -

The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights snap on. No one appears to have moved.

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.

GOVERNOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth.

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY! If it's not returned within thirty seconds: all Canary privileges are suspended. One month.

RIMMER:
I know who stole your left peeper, sir. It was him, sir. (He points at a prisoner standing off to his right) I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.

The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man is seized by guards and dragged away.

GOVERNOR ACKERMAN :
Thank you, RIMMER.

The GOVERNOR climbs the stair, puts on the sunglasses as leaves. The guards and wardens also leave.

KOCHANSKI:
Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, it’s an unwritten law.

RIMMER:
Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'?

He has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the picture, much like RIMMER’s consciousness, fade away.


11 - Int. Walkway

KRYTEN follows a group of people along a walkway. A hand places a crumpled-up piece of paper on the floor.

KRYTEN:
Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?

KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, a hand reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his head with a clang. KRYTEN drops to the ground and is dragged away through a hatch by persons unknown. Cut to CU of KRYTEN, as someone injects him in the neck with a device.


12 - Black and White B-Movie Trailer

People being pursued by a very unconvincing, wobbly U.F.O.

MAN:
They’re here! They’ve landed!

WOMAN:
Who have?

MAN:
The aliens! The invisible aliens - look! (He points at nothing) There’s one!

WOMAN:
There’s another! (Points in front of her - at nothing. She screams)

We see the caption ‘HORROR’ over shocked people and children pointing at nothing; a voice-over begins, as we see more people running from the wobbly spaceship, etc.

ANNOUNCER V.O.:
From the people who brought you ‘Vampire Bikini Girls Suck Paris’ comes another cinematic masterpiece: (Accompanied by lettering in B-Movie style:) ‘Attack of the Giant Savage Completely Invisible Aliens’

Cut to:


13 - Int. Tank rec. room

LISTER, RIMMER, CAT and many prisoners watch as the trailer for the old, black-and-white sci-fi movie continues.

LISTER:
Looks like another pearl, eh?

CAT:
Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?

RIMMER:
To sap our morale. Next week its the George Formbey season. "Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!"

Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot of KRYTEN.

KRYTEN:
(On Screen) Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of ‘Krytie TV’! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and lithe, ‘Women’s Shower Night’!

On the screen is KRYTEN’s P.O.V. as he enters the showers.

CAT:
Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't - Oh, momma...

LISTER:
You know what this means, don't you?

CAT:
There is a God?

LISTER:
They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.

KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER, and grins broadly.

RIMMER:
If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.

LISTER:
Forget the appeal.

CAT:
I already have!

LISTER:
What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this! We've gotta stop it.

RIMMER:
You're right, I want no part of this.

LISTER:
Me neither.

RIMMER:
We've gotta go.

LISTER:
Right now.

RIMMER:
Not a minute to lose.

LISTER:
I'm dust.

RIMMER:
Me too. After two. One, two, go!

No-one moves.

KRYTEN:
And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.

On-screen, he does just that. There are yells of complaint from the audience.

KILL CRAZY:
What's he doing that for!?

KRYTEN:
Remember, ‘Shower Night’ is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those buckets!

Burley men in ‘KRYTIE TV’ T-shirts enter, carrying buckets, which they pass around

RIMMER:
I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a bloke over there selling ice-creams.

LISTER:
Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now.

RIMMER:
I'm going, I'm going.

They head out.

KRYTEN:
(On Screen) But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss Kristine Kochanski...

RIMMER and LISTER stop, and peek out from behind the back seats

RIMMER:
Fancy a choc-ice?


14 - Int. Kryten's cell

KRYTEN, wearing a medallion and sitting in a whicker chair, is on the phone.

KRYTEN:
Okay; splendid. Later.

He hangs up as a GUARD lets LISTER in to visit.

GUARD:
Mister Kryten. Visitor, sir.

Exit GUARD

LISTER:
Kryten! Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.

KRYTEN:
Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while...

He passes LISTER a wad of money.

LISTER:
Can't you see what it's done to you?

KRYTEN:
It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it! I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today; tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.

KOCHANSKI enters.

KRYTEN:
Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for you...

KOCHANSKI:
Ooh, another one?

KRYTEN:
You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room? Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.

Points over to wall. KOCHANSKI goes to look.

LISTER:
This has got to stop.

KRYTEN:
But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of the money! Think of the show!

He demonstrates the bouncing involved.

LISTER:
I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.

KOCHANSKI:
Do what?

LISTER:
How do you think Kryten got all this?

He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN’s show.

KOCHANSKI:
‘Shower Night Live’. Oh god, is he paying some of the girls to do this? (She grins as she scans the flyer)

LISTER:
Who's that with the sponge?

The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then anger.

KOCHANSKI:
That's me!

LISTER:
It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it. It was awful.

KRYTEN:
Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh, excuse me!

KRYTEN leaves.

KOCHANSKI:
You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! (She points at KRYTEN) And you!

LISTER:
What have I done?

KOCHANSKI:
You were there for three hours of it!

LISTER:
Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had one choc-ice?

KOCHANSKI:
How could you go along with this?

LISTER:
I'm only human. You were completely naked. Starkers, Nude. In the buff. Totally kit-less. No clothes on!

KOCHANSKI:
You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!

LISTER:
Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.

KOCHANSKI:
Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?

LISTER:
Because you'd have said 'no'.

KOCHANSKI:
Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.

LISTER:
You wouldn't?

KOCHANSKI:
No. Well, we're friends aren't we?

LISTER:
It never occurred to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..?

KOCHANSKI:
No! (She tears up the flyer and throws it at him) Not now, and now, not ever!

LISTER:
But you just said -

KOCHANSKI:
We're not friends any more...

She leaves.


15 - Int. Tank


16 - Int. Rimmer and Lister’s Cell

LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he chews thoughtfully on a pen. RIMMER enters.

RIMMER:
Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials. What's this?

LISTER:
Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just a little present to say 'sorry'.

RIMMER:
A bag of flour?

LISTER:
No, two bags. I'm in the Tank, in the middle of deep space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, you know! (Points) Flour - Flours! It's the closest I could get.

RIMMER:
You romantic fool.

LISTER:
You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the bakery. She'll appreciate that.

RIMMER:
I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something I didn't need any help with yesterday".

LISTER:
It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really debilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every time you talk to them.

RIMMER:
You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you?

KRYTEN enters with a case.

KRYTEN:
The girls found out about ‘Shower Night’. They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man...


17 - Ext. Rimmer and Lister’s Cell

KRYTEN and LISTER looking over the railing.

KRYTEN:
I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.

LISTER:
It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.

KRYTEN:
I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.

LISTER:
What news?

KRYTEN:
You haven't heard?

LISTER:
Heard what?

KRYTEN:
The news.

LISTER:
What news?

KRYTEN:
You haven't heard the news?

LISTER:
Heard what news??

KRYTEN:
No one's told you?

LISTER:
Told me what?

KRYTEN:
About Miss Kochanski?

LISTER:
What about Miss Kochanski?

KRYTEN:
About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.

LISTER:
What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim??

KRYTEN:
I can't believe you don't know!

LISTER:
Know what??

KRYTEN:
No one told you??

LISTER:
Told me what?!

KRYTEN:
You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?

LISTER:
What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?

KRYTEN:
I don't believe it.

LISTER:
Believe what!?

KRYTEN:
Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news! I'm not sure I can even speak now.

LISTER:
Kryten… (Points) …there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.

KRYTEN:
Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by ten.

LISTER:
Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?

KRYTEN:
You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover. And you're just... you. It's so unfair! You must feel awful.

LISTER:
Well I do now! God!

KRYTEN:
You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed.

LISTER:
No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.

KRYTEN:
I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up!


B>18 - Int. Rimmer and Lister’s Cell

RIMMER is joined by LISTER and KRYTEN.

LISTER:
What can I do?

HOLLY:
(On Screen) You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.

LISTER:
You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?

HOLLY:
(On Screen) Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment.

LISTER:
Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?

RIMMER:
How's this, Listy? A little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.

KRYTEN:
It's a tragedy.

LISTER:
What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together?

KRYTEN:
That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks! And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm getting worried about those guys. Any older and they'll need a ‘Stanner Stairlift’ to get up the fallopian tubes!

LISTER:
So what do you propose?

KRYTEN:
We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's my way of saying 'sorry'.

KRYTEN puts his things on the top bunk.

RIMMER:
But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal...

KRYTEN:
First, we sabotage the date.

KRYTEN opens his case and brings out a map, which he puts on the table.

LISTER:
What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me? Step on board the 'love express', sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe: this is what you leave in his quarters: (He shows the sarnie) …a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

LISTER:
Is it? I like those.

KRYTEN:
Then there's this: (He holds up a magazine) …‘Morris Dancer Monthly’. What a total dweebo, nerdmeister he'll look with those!

RIMMER:
They're mine!

KRYTEN:
And then there's these: (He holds up a pair of pants) …‘tragically unfashionable underpants.

RIMMER:
They're mine!

KRYTEN:
And finally: (He holds up two CDs) …‘Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

RIMMER:
Have you been going through my things?

KRYTEN:
And not forgetting... (He holds up a pair of scissors)

LISTER:
A pair of scissors?

KRYTEN:
This is the piece de résistance...


19 - Int. An Officer’s Quarters

LISTER crawls in through a hatch, and scatters magazines on table and sofa. He bites a sandwich then throws it under a cushion, puts a poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on the wall.

LISTER:
‘Frank Acissi and the Apostles’; ‘Hyms in Rock’

He puts a CD in a player, and ‘Kumbayah; starts playing. Then he sets up a posing male statue with chain.

LISTER:
Some digestive biscuit...

He sprinkles crumbs over the bedsheets. The places a rasher of bacon over a lamp, the grabs the scissors, unzips his flies, cuts off some pubic hair, sprinkles it on the bed and on the soap. Then he puts the underpants on bed and a VD clinic appointment card on the pillow. We cut between the room, and LISTER as seen on the cinema screen, watched by the inmates.

LISTER (V.O.):
The love assassin...


20 - Int. Cinema

On screen: KRYTEN, with a fake beard on, talks to camera.

KRYTEN:
What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie TV!

The door behind KRYTEN slides open with a hiss and LISTER enters.

KRYTEN:
Shh! Here he comes now! Mister Lister!

LISTER:
Kryten is that you?

KRYTEN:
You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you?

LISTER:
What, you mean she isn't?

KRYTEN:
Look who's quarters you really trashed...

He taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides shut. On it is written ‘MR. ACKERMAN’.

LISTER:
You said the girls had restored you back to normal!

KRYTEN tears off the beard.

KRYTEN:
Whoops! You've been ‘Krytered’!

LISTER:
I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!!

(Cut to:)

RIMMER:
THE APPEAL!

KRYTEN:
(On screen) But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against time! Sir, start cleaning that room!


21- Int. Ackerman’s Quarters

RIMMER appears in the hatchway.

RIMMER:
Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL!

RIMMER and LISTER belt round ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that LISTER created. Just when they think they have everything, LISTER remembers the soap - he grabs the hair, and plonks it in RIMMER’s hand. RIMMER looks disgusted. Cut to


22 - Int. Cinema

The audience applauds


23 - Int. Corridor

KRYTEN:
(To camera) Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time!

RIMMER and LISTER appear and spot KRYTEN.

RIMMER:
There he is!

LISTER:
Kryten, come here a minute...

KRYTEN runs off, pursued by RIMMER and LISTER

KRYTEN:
I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!

LISTER:
Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!

KRYTEN:
It was nothing personal!


24 - Int. Tank


25 - Int. Rimmer and Lister’s Cell

RIMMER is joined by LISTER, who holds a letter.

LISTER:
The appeal. Oooohhhhh... (Opens it slowly and dramatically) YES!

RIMMER:
"Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"... This appeal was all about guitar strings?

LISTER:
You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?

RIMMER:
You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar??

LISTER:
You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song...

RIMMER is about to cry…


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Graham McTavish (Governor Ackerman), Mark Caven (Man in Film), Sarah Wateridge (Woman in Film), Clifford Barry (Guard)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 18th March 1999

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly