'Epideme' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1.Int. Starbug Cockpit.

CAT:
What is that thing?

KOCHANSKI:
Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gases.

CAT:
Thanks! That's most helpful! (To LISTER) What is it?

LISTER:
To you: a big iceberg.

KOCHANSKI:
I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one up this close before. Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystalline formations... they're fabbaroo!

LISTER:
You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I bet, at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the impossibly neat handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us the average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela...

KOCHANSKI:
No I couldn't, I've no idea... (A beat) Okay, three point four inches, so what? Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere marking my highest ever pee.

KRYTEN:
I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.

CAT:
What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head?

KRYTEN:
Why, I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. You may not know this, sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where I studied the lavatorial sciences.

KOCHANSKI:
Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core program.

KRYTEN:
I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was successfully installed. Most interesting. Did you know, for instance, that the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still -

LISTER:
Kryten!

KRYTEN:
Yes, sir?

LISTER:
Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead?

CAT:
Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all.

LISTER:
No kidding, professor...

CAT:
No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff. Like... well, practically everything.

KRYTEN:
Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?

CAT:
Right. There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself. And seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow; especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.

KOCHANSKI:
So, what do we do about the ice..?

KRYTEN:
Well, water supplies are low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove quite useful.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log.

KRYTEN:
Locking on; scanning and logging. Extraordinary...

LISTER:
What is it?

KRYTEN:
There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier. Some kind of object... it's huge; just processing.

LISTER:
Well?

KRYTEN:
It's a starship.


2.Int. Docking bay within derelict.

ALL present.

LISTER:
This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev!


3.Int. Chamber within derelict.

KRYTEN:
It's the Leviathan, sir, a Twenty-third century J.M.C. supply ship. Engines are dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a life-sign.

LISTER:
Are you absolutely sure?

KRYTEN:
Certain.


4.Int. Chamber within derelict.

They ALL enter.

KOCHANSKI:
I've never seen anything like this!

LISTER:
You weren't around for my last party, were you?

KRYTEN:
Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.

LISTER:
Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god!

KOCHANSKI:
What is it?!

LISTER:
The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water! It was wet and horrible!

KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT exit.

LISTER:
Went right down into m' crevice.

He leaves.


5.Int. Chamber within derelict.

CAT:
Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there!

KRYTEN:
Just lovating her J.M.C. ident chip... Ah. Caroline Carmen. According to the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.

LISTER:
I remember her. She got re-posted to Titan.

KOCHANSKI:
You knew her?

LISTER:
Yeah. She made a pass at me once!

KOCHANSKI:
I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with you.

LISTER:
She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there for a really long time.

KOCHANSKI:
Caroline.

LISTER:
Caroline, yeah. Karen's my pet name for her.

KOCHANSKI:
I don't believe a word.

LISTER:
Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just so compatible. In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive.

KRYTEN:
She is, sir. The life-sign appears to be coming from this very spot.

LISTER:
Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me immediately, she might have amnesia.

CAT:
Amnesia?

LISTER:
Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts?

KRYTEN:
Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.

LISTER:
Y'see? It's affecting 'im already. Okay, let's get her back to the ’Bug.


6.Int. Starbug medibay.

KRYTEN:
I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change here?

CAT:
It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than an English beer.

LISTER:
He's right. The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive.

KRYTEN:
Ah, what about Miss Carmen..?

KRYTEN turns away and shakes his shoulders, overplaying his joke.

LISTER:
(Smiling.) I was talking about Miss Carmen...

KOCHANSKI:
It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.

LISTER:
Maybe we should just laser it?

KRYTEN:
Recommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning, sir. Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the body.

CAT:
Do you really think she's still alive in there?

KOCHANSKI:
She must be.


7.Int. Starbug. Night.

Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure shuffles out of the medibay. Driven by an unknown force, the woman finds herself outside the sleeping quarters. Spotting LISTER asleep in his bunk, the woman lets out a sigh of satisfaction, approaches him and slips under his duvet. LISTER half-wakes, and not only gets the wrong end of the stick, but manages to get splinters in all four fingers and two in his thumb.

LISTER:
Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? Eh? You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris? Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing?? (Laughs)

The hideous creature pulls off LISTER's long-johns and tosses them away.

LISTER:
(Mock offended) And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..? You dumped me, remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours? Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty close thing.

The ghastly monstrosity begins to nibble at his ear.

LISTER:
Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again...

A knock issues from the hatchway.

LISTER:
Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick, quick, in the shower. In the shower...

In the darkness, LISTER throws the blanket over the thing and herds her into the shower cubicle. He grabs a towel and ties it around himself.

LISTER:
Smeg...

He opens the hatch. And KRYTEN enters.

KRYTEN:
Are you alone, sir?

LISTER:
Yeah.

KRYTEN:
Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.

LISTER:
It's two o'clock in the mornin', man!

KRYTEN:
Ah, yes, well this is an emergency dust, you see, sir. My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in this region and I simply must dust, right now!

LISTER blocks the hatchway as KRYTEN attempts to pass through.

LISTER:
I'll take the risk, man!

KRYTEN:
Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.

KRYTEN feints left, right left and scurries past LISTER at high speed.

KRYTEN:
Ahh! Double bed mode... hmm... I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.

He wrenches the door open.

KRYTEN:
Under your spare bunk duvet...

He sends the cover flying.

KRYTEN:
Hmmm... in your other wardrobe.

LISTER:
Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!

KRYTEN:
She's in here, isn't she!

LISTER:
I don't know what you mean, man...

KRYTEN:
You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised!

LISTER:
Kryten… listen, erm, look it's like -

KRYTEN:
It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it!

LISTER:
Not again, man, no! No!

KRYTEN:
It is!

LISTER:
I like your head!

KRYTEN:
Not as much as you like hers!

LISTER:
What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads - it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a Sunday roast!

KOCHANSKI enters.

KRYTEN:
She's in the shower, isn't she! ISN'T SHE!?

KOCHANSKI:
Who?

KRYTEN:
Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie??

KOCHANSKI:
What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!

KRYTEN:
(He does a double-, then a triple-take) Ahem. Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am...

He leaves.

LISTER:
How the hell did you do that..? Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor. Brilliant!

KOCHANSKI:
What?

LISTER:
You're a genius, an absolute genius!

KOCHANSKI:
What are you doing??

LISTER:
I'm unbuttoning your shirt...

KOCHANSKI:
What are you doing that for?!

LISTER:
'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!

KOCHANSKI:
That was a long time ago, things are very different now!

LISTER:
Look, he's gone. Don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off, and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.

KOCHANSKI:
You really believe in being direct, don't you...

LISTER:
Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris. Let's hit the springs?

Not quite believing what she's hearing, KOCHANSKI punches LISTER in the jaw.

KOCHANSKI:
That's your idea of seduction, is it?? Well, forget it, Lister! Not if you were the last man alive...

LISTER:
I am the last man alive.

KOCHANSKI:
I rest my case...

She leaves.

LISTER:
What did I do wrong..? What?

He dejectedly heads back to bed, and remembers the bed linen now discarded in the shower cubicle.

LISTER:
Oh! Duvet...

He heads back to the shower cubicle, and suddenly finds that his duvet is not alone.

LISTER:
Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go... You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials!

He tries to push CARMEN back, and a soggy ear comes off in his hand.

LISTER:
Sorry...

LISTER struggles, but the zombie CARMEN pins him down and plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. The thing goes limp, and LISTER finally pushes her away, spitting out chunks of tongue and spongy jawbone as he does so.

LISTER:
God!

KRYTEN:
Are you all right, sir!?

LISTER:
(Breathing heavily) I've just been molested by Tuthunkamun's horny grandma! Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!

KRYTEN:
She's dead, sir. And, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years...

LISTER:
Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the life-signs come from?

KRYTEN:
Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..?

LISTER is now hyperventilating. He keels over and faints.


8.Int. Starbug mid-section.

LISTER:
I feel really lousy...

KOCHANSKI:
Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.

KRYTEN:
Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves something to be desired.

KOCHANSKI:
Like what?

KRYTEN:
Well, like a bedside manner!

LISTER:
You think I'm a hypochondriac?

KOCHANSKI:
You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you think it's malaria.

KRYTEN:
Oh, and women, of course, are different?

LISTER:
They just have a different perspective on pain,

KRYTEN:
. As would you if, every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch.

CAT:
He's right, I hate doing that.

KRYTEN:
The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your blood, and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir.

CAT:
Is that good or bad?

KRYTEN:
It's the Epideme virus, sir. Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.

CAT:
Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the centrefold from this month's ‘Playzombie’?

KRYTEN:
Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight hours it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim... When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.

CAT:
So, the life-signs on the Leviathan -

KOCHANSKI:
Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body... Which passed to you the moment she... well...

LISTER:
Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City!

KRYTEN:
There is one option, sir... I believe you might have a chance if you, well, reason with it.

LISTER:
Reason with what?

KRYTEN:
The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent.

LISTER:
Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-drier again?

KRYTEN:
If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir.


9.Int. Starbug medibay.

KRYTEN:
It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave. Now, remember: be charming.

LISTER:
Be charming to my virus... right.

KRYTEN:
Patching in the U.T...

A floating, holographic screen spins into existence. On it is a fractal-like life-form, in colours of red and green.

EPIDEME:
Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land! And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice food connoisseur, this is your death! Your line...

KRYTEN:
I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus..?

EPIDEME:
Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two!

KRYTEN:
Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I -

EPIDEME:
Dave... let's run down the rules. If you win: you get to live; if I win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...

LISTER:
What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

EPIDEME:
So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight... No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

LISTER:
How can you justify killing another living being?

EPIDEME:
How about that chicken you biriani-ed last night? How can you justify killing that?

LISTER:
Me and the chicken... it was different.

EPIDEME:
How's that, David..?

LISTER:
Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.

EPIDEME:
He died so you could go on living; is that so different from what I'm doing?

LISTER:
Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar -

CAT:
Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?

KRYTEN:
We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another subject.

LISTER:
I'm the last guy alive!

EPIDEME:
And that gives you more right to exist than me..?

LISTER:
Well, yeah... because -

EPIDEME:
Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arevaderche, humies...


10.Int. Starbug mid-section.

LISTER is talking to EPIDEME via the translator.

EPIDEME:
David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal. It happens. Doesn't mean we can't be friends!

Frustrated, LISTER reaches to disengage the translator.

EPIDEME:
Don't touch that dial!!

EPIDEME ‘leaves’ the screen. KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI enter.

KRYTEN:
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mister Epideme, no matter how drastic?

LISTER:
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?

KRYTEN:
A solution, sir, but, er...

LISTER:
What?

KRYTEN:
It's too drastic.

LISTER:
Tell.

KRYTEN:
Well, what we thought was… You see - (His speech collapses into unintelligible babbling)

KOCHANSKI:
We want to cut off your arm.

LISTER:
You what??

KRYTEN:
(To KOCHANSKI) It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea!

KOCHANSKI:
It was your idea!

KRYTEN:
Are you saying I'm stupid?

KOCHANSKI:
No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea! (To LISTER in a normal voice) It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse...

LISTER:
What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery?

KOCHANSKI:
You could be dead. Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is it.

LISTER:
Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "can I hack off your limb?"

KRYTEN:
The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing Epideme into your arm.

LISTER:
And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

KRYTEN:
Okay, sir.

KOCHANSKI:
Let's go! Chop-chop! (She winces at her badly-chosen words) Sorry...


11.Int. Starbug medibay.

LISTER is unconscious on the bed, CAT, KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI look on.

KRYTEN:
Injecting anti-virals.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay, virus heading north. Grid co-ordinate one-oh-nine point four.

KRYTEN:
Ah, the pancreas.

KOCHANSKI:
One-oh-four point two, on my mark... Mark. And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero... No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight! It's heading away from his left arm. Four-oh-six point nine... point eight... four-oh-six point five... Virus heading into his right arm -

KRYTEN:
The right arm, it's our only chance. Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! ‘Amputation mode’: cut and cauterise!

KRYTEN raises the saw and slices off LISTER's hand.

KOCHANSKI:
It's not enough.

KRYTEN saws off three inches of LISTER’s wrist.

KOCHANSKI:
Still not enough.

KRYTEN’s saw buzzes again, and another two or three inches of forearm are removed.

KOCHANSKI:
Still not enough!

KRYTEN slices off what is left of LISTER’s entire right forearm.

KOCHANSKI:
Still not enough.

Desperately, KRYTEN cuts from the middle of LISTER’s upper arm.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay! If this doesn't work, we're out of options.

CAT:
Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before touch barbecue wings again!


12.Int. Starbug medibay.

LISTER is asleep on the bed; KOCHANSKI is seated by the bedside, reading.

LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that that arm has gone. He lets out an involuntary whimper.

KOCHANSKI:
(Into comm unit) He's awake!

LISTER:
My left arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right??

KOCHANSKI:
We did the best we could; I am so sorry.

LISTER:
Where is it?

KOCHANSKI:
We flushed it into space, we had to.

LISTER:
Ohh, my right arm... I did everything with that arm; we were inseparable! At least, I thought we were.

KRYTEN and CAT enter.

KRYTEN:
Mister Lister, sir, you're awake!

CAT:
Buddy, you look great!

LISTER:
Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.

KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering.

LISTER:
You haven't saved my life...

KOCHANSKI:
Seven per cent of Epideme’s virions have found their way back into your body. They're currently multiplying exponentially.

LISTER:
So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the Cat? You've given my arm.my arm for nothing?

KRYTEN:
Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's bought you approximately fifty-eight minutes more life.

LISTER:
What am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??

CAT:
Have half a juggling lesson?

LISTER:
You're really not helping.


13.Int. Sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are preparing LISTER's quarters for his return. KOCHANSKI steps over to the bed, plumps the pillows and lays them out side by side, then moves away to sort out some clothes. KRYTEN turns and sees the pillows, tuts to himself and re-arranges the two pillows one atop the other. He moves away and KOCHANSKI turns back to the bed, sees the pillows and again lays them out side by side. Annoyed now, KRYTEN waits until she turns away and returns the pillows to the two-tier formation.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.

KRYTEN:
Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mister Lister for many years now. I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping arrangements.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, in my dimension I cohabited with him... I think I know what makes him happy in bed...

KRYTEN:
So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good horror movie. Preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting lady vampires.

CAT enters.

CAT:
Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!

KOCHANSKI:
Oh my god, you mean..?

CAT:
No, not dead; checked out. He's gone. And about forty pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven. You think there could be a connection..?

KOCHANSKI:
Come on!


14.Int. Starbug cargo hold .

LISTER is struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open the heavy iron door. KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT arrive on the gantry above the deck.

KOCHANSKI:
What are you doing?

LISTER:
I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does anyone want anything?

KRYTEN:
Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.

LISTER:
It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and destroy all traces of the virus. At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me.

KOCHANSKI:
Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is insane.

CAT:
She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too.

KOCHANSKI:
Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never speak to you again as long as you -

LISTER goes through the door.

KOCHANSKI:
Oh my god, just how stupid am I?

KRYTEN:
According to my calculations, ma'am -

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, shut up!


15.Int. Leviathan Drive room.

LISTER has wired up the universal translator. He activates it, and EPIDEME's fractal visage appears on the holographic screen.

EPIDEME:
Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special?

LISTER:
That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of Incinerex.

EPIDEME:
It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'?

LISTER:
Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?

EPIDEME:
Er, Dave, hel-looo?

KRYTEN(V.O.):
Leviathan, this is Starbug. Come in, sir.


16.Int. Starbug cockpit.

LISTER (Mic):
Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.

KOCHANSKI:
Dave, listen to me. Dave. My Dave had a saying: "even the word 'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...

CAT:
Maybe you had to be there..?

LISTER (Mic):
What the hell did that mean?

KOCHANSKI:
You can't give up!

LISTER (Mic):
I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo.

KRYTEN:
Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with an antidote.

LISTER (Mic):
There's no point. Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris? Under my bunk, I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.

KOCHANSKI:
Collection?

LISTER (Mic):
Well, three. There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used 'underpantski' twice... Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me man.

KRYTEN:
Oh, sir, you're too generous.

LISTER (Mic):
Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.

CAT:
I can? Great! I need some hangers!


17.Int. Leviathan Drive room.

LISTER:
Sixty seconds left, Epideme.

EPIDEME:
Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'. You're no quitter. Hell!. The people of this ship kept searching for a solution right until the end! They never gave up.

LISTER:
They didn't?

EPIDEME:
Hell, no! They even overloaded their engines. So sad, 'cause they were so near...

LISTER:
So near... They weren't running from something, but to something... Son-of-a-gun... Kryten, man, change of plan!


18.Int. Starbug medibay.

LISTER and KRYTEN are here with EPIDEME.

KRYTEN:
Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in my knowledge?

EPIDEME:
Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and TV theme tunes! Ask me anything...

KRYTEN:
Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth was the fourth Marx brother?

EPIDEME:
Zeppo. Easy! Ask me a hard one.

KRYTEN:
A hard one?

EPIDEME:
A HAAAAAAAARD one... oouuugggh.

KRYTEN:
Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient?

EPIDEME:
(Takes a deep breath) Re-route the pulse relays by the auxiliary conductor node and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy equation. Thhbptptpt.

KRYTEN:
And that would make Starbug more efficient?

EPIDEME:
Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster!

LISTER:
That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the Epideme cure. Trouble was, by the time we reached Delta 7 I'd be dead.

KRYTEN:
Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.

LISTER:
And now we have...

EPIDEME:
Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...


19.Int. Starbug cockpit.

CAT and KOCHANSKI present.

KOCHANSKI:
How're we doing?

CAT:
Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell! Going into orbit right now.

KOCHANSKI:
Scanning surface... oh my god...

CAT:
What is it?

KOCHANSKI:
The planet, it's been flamed. There's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant... nothing...


22.Int. Starbug medibay .

KOCHANSKI joins LISTER, KRYTEN and EPIDEME.

KOCHANSKI:
You knew, didn't you?

EPIDEME:
Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall to the Leviathan!

Angry and frustrated, KOCHANSKI opens her mouth to retort, then appears to suddenly think of something. She turns and rushes out.


23.Int. Starbug medibay .

LISTER, KRYTEN and EPIDEME are joined by CAT.

CAT:
How's it going?

KRYTEN:
Life signs almost gone, sir.

EPIDEME:
And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky, but charismatic, virus! Until then, good night...

EPIDEME ‘leaves’. KOCHANSKI appears.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay?

KRYTEN and CAT:
What!?

KOCHANSKI:
It's the last chance to save you, do you agree?

LISTER:
You're gonna prevent Epideme from killing me by killing me..?

KOCHANSKI:
I'll take that as a yes...

KOCHANSKI raises a hypo-spray device to LISTER's chest and pumps a shot into his heart. LISTER jolts then lies still.

KOCHANSKI:
Is he..?

KRYTEN:
Dead!? Yes, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI gingerly moves her left arm over LSITER’s body towards his head.

KRYTEN:
Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!

As her hand approaches LISTER's mouth, his torso suddenly spasms. EPIDEME’s laughter rings out as LISTER sinks his teeth into KOCHANSKI's hand. LISTER falls back, unmoving.

KRYTEN:
The Epideme virus has transferred to you! It's infected your hand!

EPIDEME:
And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running virus, Epideme, has been renewed for another season!

KOCHANSKI:
Wrong, bug-head! You're axed!

KOCHANSKI picks up the laser saw and raises it over the infected arm.

EPIDEME:
No... no! Yaaaaagggghhh!

Swiftly and unemotionally, KOCHANSKY drops the saw over the arm, severing it at the elbow.

CAT:
Oh my god! Did you see that!? She, she -

Unable to get a grip on what he's just seen, CAT keels over.

KRYTEN:
Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What - I mean - what - have you gone completely insane?!?

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten..!

KOCHANSKI cheerfully reveals the bare and unblemished left arm of her own from behind her back and flashes both triumphantly. KRYTEN gasps, eyes flashing between the two arms attached to KOCHANSKI's body, and the arm lying on the floor.

KOCHANSKI:
It was Caroline Carmen's. I injected it with blood and adrenaline!

KRYTEN:
That really is quite extraordinary...

KOCHANSKI heads toward the exit hatch, KRYTEN following.

KRYTEN:
D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but, really, that - MISTER LISTER!!

They both sprint back in from the corridor. KRYTEN squeals a request for KOCHANSKI to pass him the high voltage cardiac arrest pads.

KRYTEN:
Clear!

KRYTEN places the pads on LISTER's chest and fires a jolt of electricity through his body. LISTER arches off the bed, but falls back lifelessly.

KRYTEN:
Clear!

Again the pads fire, and again LISTER spasms. As he falls back to the bed, we hear him draw in a shuddering breath.

KRYTEN:
Clear!

One more jolt from the pads sends LISTER off the bed, and coughs and splutters his way back to life.

LISTER:
Ohh, where have I been?

KRYTEN:
Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead...

LISTER:
Wow...

KOCHANSKI:
How did it feel?

LISTER:
Ever been to Swindon?

Unexpectedly, Kochanski leans forward and places a gentle kiss on LISTER’s forehead.

LISTER:
What's that for?

KOCHANSKI:
For not staying dead!

As she steps back, KRYTEN fussily moves in and, with a duster, dabs at LISTER's forehead. He turns back to KOCHANSKI as he dabs, explaining:.

KRYTEN:
Germs.


Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Anett (Kochanski), Nicky Leatherbarrow (Caroline Carmen), Gary Martin (Epideme)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 28th February 1997

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Christine Kochanski