'Duct Soup' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters .

LISTER is lying in bed, covered in sweat. He glances at the digital thermometer beside him.

LISTER:
Ninety-two degrees... god! I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up... I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor... This is one of the universal dilemmas, something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the question. No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and get to sleep. Smeggin 'ell!


2.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters .

KOCHANSKI is lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists.

KOCHANSKI:
One more time, and you get this. D'you hear? Don't think I don't mean it! One more time, just one more.

The pipes suddenly issue forth a hideous, ghastly screech. KOCHANSKI lunges forward and smashes her spanner into the offending ironwork, sending three loud 'clang's reverberating throughout the ship.

KOCHANSKI:
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one?

She sits up and takes a notebook from a nearby shelf, flicks through the pages and consults the latest entries.

KOCHANSKI:
'Nurieek'. So the next one will be a 'rutut', and the one after that will be a 'hernunger'. Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds -

Another horrendous scream bursts out of the pipes.

KOCHANSKI:
Now 'hernunger'...

A third screech is howled out.

KOCHANSKI:
No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nurieek', 'rutut', 'hernunger'. What's wrong with you?

KOCHANSKI bangs the pipes once more with her spanner. Another three 'clang's rattle out.

KOCHANSKI:
If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?

The pipes ignore her and screech out again.

KOCHANSKI:
'Sqweloookle'?? Where does 'sqweloookle' come from?? He's new!


3.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters.

LISTER stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by steam which clears as he turns off the water and steps out..

LISTER:
Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.

He steps over to a fridge, opens it and takes out a freshly chilled pillow. Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back to bed.


4.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters.

KOCHANSKI is now sat the foot of her bed. She has taken a pair of woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear, holding them in place with a hair band. Sliding back into bed, she lies back down, and takes up her spanner for comfort.

KOCHANSKI:
(Calmly) Okayyy... right, right. I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like. I can't hear a damn thing.

Mockingly, the pipe screeches out just how wrong she is. In a frenzy of rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes, clangs bouncing around Starbug....


5.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters.

Head on his chilled pillow, LISTER still can't get comfortable. He twists and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his fist to plump it. Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not right, and punches it a few more times. Still unhappy with the result and by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the camera cuts away...


6.Int. Starbug mid-section.

KRYTEN sits at the scanner table, darning clothes. KOCHANSKI enters, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's blanket.

KRYTEN:
(Quietly) Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.

Seeing him speak, KOCHANSKI removes her makeshift ear-mufflers.

KOCHANSKI:
What?

KRYTEN:
(Brightly) It's nearly nine a.m., ma'am, what are you doing up?

KOCHANSKI:
Looking for someone to kill. Care to volunteer?

KRYTEN:
Oh, can't sleep?

KOCHANSKI:
Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'-ing and 'rutut'-ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they 'sqweloookle'!

Sounding closer and closer to hysteria as she crossed to the galley, KOCHANSKI halts by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few times against its inoffensive surface.

KOCHANSKI:
It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!

KRYTEN:
It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis. Mister Lister spent the night in there once, and he ended up trying to sufocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.

Perhaps reminded of food, KOCHANSKI bends and opens the fridge.

KOCHANSKI:
Look at this. This is a boy’s fridge. Women would never have fridges like this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!

KRYTEN:
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?

KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section.

KOCHANSKI:
I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!" I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll say?

KRYTEN:
Erm, you hate showers?

KOCHANSKI:
You see! Even you know and you hardly know me! I need a bath. I need sleep; I need clothes; I need... cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in.

KRYTEN:
Well, the next Space Corps ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find some supplies.

KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table and her face begins to crumple.

KOCHANSKI:
I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps that it'd be tough in deep space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of clothes, and pipes that 'sqweloookle' when they should 'nurieek'! I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning what 'off-side' was.

KRYTEN:
Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I'm not familiar with the technique, er, hang on. Just processing.

KRYTEN tilts his head to one side and muted beeps issue from somewhere about his person.

KRYTEN:
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am. I know the drill now.

KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI to her feet and spins her to face away from him, wraps his arms about her waist and unceremoniously delivers a sharp squeeze.

KOCHANSKI:
(Gags) What are you doing!? Get off me!

KRYTEN:
The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.

KRYTEN gives her another squeeze, causing her to cough.

KOCHANSKI:
The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people choking, you idiot!

KRYTEN:
No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI shakes herself free of KRYTEN’s grip.

KOCHANSKI:
I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database!

KRYTEN:
Well, then... why have you stopped crying?

KOCHANSKI:
Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!

KRYTEN:
But, you're not crying, though.

KOCHANSKI:
Well, no.

KRYTEN:
So, it worked?

KOCHANSKI:
Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Flopping back into her seat, KOCHANSKI lets her head fall onto the table and lets out a despairing sigh.

KOCHANSKI:
Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry...

KRYTEN:
(Indignantly) Ma'am! That is not true! No one has ever done that!

KOCHANSKI:
That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it from me, that laundry room will be packed!

KRYTEN:
I think you're doing Mister Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A great, great disservice!


7.Int. Starbug laundry room.

LISTER and CAT are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing machines.

CAT:
Wow! This is the best load yet!

LISTER:
Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.

CAT:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

LISTER:
I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by women's underwear spin drying.

CAT:
My god, a g-string!

LISTER:
Where?

CAT:
You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small.

LISTER:
I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.

CAT:
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to the washing machine company.

LISTER:
Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of order, do you know that?

CAT:
Since when did you get so mature?

LISTER:
Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.

CAT:
Oh yeah?

LISTER:
Yeah.

CAT:
You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get officer Butt-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!

LISTER:
Go and stick an egg up your nose.

CAT:
It's true.

LISTER:
Isn't true.

CAT:
It is.

LISTER:
It isn't!

CAT:
Is!

LISTER:
Isn't!

CAT:
Is!

LISTER:
Isn't!

CAT:
Is!

LISTER:
Isn't!

CAT and LISTER:
Is! Isn't! Is! Isn't! Is! Isn't!

KRYTEN arrives

KRYTEN:
Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?

LISTER:
About me being really mature.

KRYTEN:
What's come over you, sir, why aren't you in bed?

LISTER:
The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up?

KRYTEN:
Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir. She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yoghurts.

LISTER:
What's the problem?

KRYTEN turns to a washing machine, stops the programme and begins unloading its contents.

KRYTEN:
It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.

LISTER:
We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.

KRYTEN:
Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able to have a bath, no cottage cheese, no -

KRYTEN stops abruptly as he pulls KOCHANSKI's red PVC uniform from the washing machine. It now measures roughly ten inches.

KRYTEN:
(Aghast) The thermostat! I swear I set the correct programme!

As KRYTEN fumbles with the machine's control panel, CAT and LISTER ease into a standing position and stealthily creep away.

KRYTEN:
Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who -

Turning back, he suddenly finds himself alone, and very, very guilty.


8.Int. Starbug Mid-section.

KOCHANSKI is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something disturbingly calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without looking at what she's doing.

Enter LISTER.

LISTER:
Hi.

Not turning, KOCHANSKI utters a vague sound from behind a peach slice.

LISTER:
How're you settling in?

KOCHANSKI:
(Slowly, and with great care) Great. Having a ball.

LISTER:
We'll fix those pipes...

KOCHANSKI:
If you could just make them go 'nurieek' every time without any 'sqweloookles', I'd be so grateful.

LISTER:
We'll stop them completely.

KOCHANSKI:
I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -

LISTER:
Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.

KOCHANSKI:
Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting; with perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a bath...

LISTER:
Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.


9.Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters.

Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the floor space in front of his bunk.

LISTER:
You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours. (Indicates the strange unit) I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.

KOCHANSKI:
I don't know what to say...

LISTER:
And I, erm... found this on that derelict...

LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands it to KOCHANSKI.

LISTER:
I was savin' it for your birthday.

KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which she gazes wondrously.

LISTER:
There's some make-up in there, too.

KRYETN enters, still carrying the miniature red suit.

KRYTEN:
I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low! (He spots KOCHANSKI and whips the suit behind his back) Oh! Ma'am. Didn't spot you, there.

LISTER:
Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
(A beat) In, your quarters, sir?

LISTER:
Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.

KRYTEN:
In here? Without clothes on?

LISTER:
Well, all convention dictates probably, yeah.

KRYTEN looks worried.


10.Int. Starbug Cargo deck.

KRYTEN’s paranoid mind pictures himself talking to his long-time friend LISTER whose arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. Both seem to be smiling just a little too much.

LISTER:
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better all 'round if you leave.

KRYTEN:
Er, sir?

LISTER:
As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?

KOCHANSKI:
We got you this leaving present...

KRYTEN:
A key-ring -

LISTER:
With a 'C' on it.

KOCHANSKI:
For 'Cryten'!

KRYTEN:
But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...

KOCHANSKI:
Ohh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.

LISTER:
You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set about getting rid of all your mates. The CAT’s next.

KOCHANSKI:
I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!

LISTER:
See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.

KOCHANSKI:
And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny-shaped head.

LISTER:
You're not human, are you, you're a robot.

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah!

LISTER:
Eeeugh!

Enter two Kinitawowi Gelfs.

LISTER:
Oh hi! You're early, come in!

KOCHANSKI:
Good to see you!

LISTER and KOCHANSKI exchange two highbrow 'non-kisses' with the Gelfs, and all four sidle out.

KRYTEN looks anguished.


11.Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters.

KRYTEN:
I've just seen the future!

Abruptly, he pulls KOCHANSKI's shrunken uniform from behind his back and holds it up as evidence.

KRYTEN:
I'm afraid Mister Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left, now.

KOCHANSKI:
Did he? Never mind.

KRYTEN:
Aren't you mad?

KOCHANSKI:
I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some sleep.

KRYTEN:
(Offended) Right. I'll be going then. Going. After all these years, I'll be going.

LISTER:
Are you all right, Kryts?

KRYTEN:
Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it! Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'!

He leaves in a huff.

KOCHANSKI:
What's eating him?

LISTER:
I dunno.I'll find out later.

KOCHANSKI:
Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.

LISTER:
Heyy, no bother.

KOCHANSKI:
See you in the morning.

LISTER:
That's right. Well, I'll be going then?

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah. 'Night.

LISTER:
Right, I'll... I'll go...

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah.

LISTER:
Yeah.

KOCHANSKI:
See you tomorrow.

LISTER:
Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything, don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.

KOCHANSKI:
I won't.

LISTER:
Right then.

KOCHANSKI:
'Night.

LISTER:
'Night. Goodnight.

LISTER turns and at last passes through the hatchway. No sooner is he out of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and the cabin lights extinguish. LISTER rushes back in.

KOCHANSKI:
What was that??

LISTER:
Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...

Lighting his torch, the tow of them head out into the corridor. They are joined by CAT and KRYTEN

CAT:
What the hell's happenin'?

KRYTEN:
The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.

As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come back up.

KRYTEN:
Ah, thank goodness.

They all trail back into LISTER's quarters.

KRYTEN:
I'll look into it immediately, sir!

Before they can move a screeching noise fills the air. For the second time in as many minutes the interior lights all die.

LISTER:
There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.

CAT:
How come the doors closed?

LISTER:
When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, reinforce hull integrity.

CAT:
So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?

KRYTEN:
Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!

CAT:
You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm?

KOCHANSKI:
No change there, then.

LISTER:
We've got to re-fire the backup generator.

KRYTEN:
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.

CAT:
The what?

KRYTEN:
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.

LISTER:
How long's that gonna take?

KRYTEN:
Oh, six hours, maybe more?

LISTER:
Six hours??

KRYTEN:
Are you okay, sir?

LISTER:
Fine, yeah. Yep, yep.

KOCHANSKI:
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.

KRYTEN:
We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

LISTER:
Okay, let's go.


12.Int. Starbug Ductway.

Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, cylindrical corridors, flat-bottomed, about five feet wide by four high. Passage through the ducts is possible only by crawling. ALL present.

CAT:
It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face!

LISTER:
I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!

KRYTEN:
Are you okay, sir?

LISTER:
I need to take a break. I need air!

KOCHANSKI:
He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?

LISTER:
I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle somewhere... Can't breathe...

KRYTEN:
Have a drink, sir.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay, take a look around. See if we can unscrew one of the ceiling hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.

KRYTEN:
Let's go.

He and CAT leave.

LISTER:
M' throat's closin'... chokin'...

KOCHANSKI:
Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off it.

KOCHANSKI pauses as they both lean side-by-side against the duct wall.

KOCHANSKI:
I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?

LISTER:
Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a great time to tell me how great your boyfriend is, okay?

KOCHANSKI:
He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.

LISTER:
What?

KOCHANSKI:
No, we were just good friends.

LISTER:
No, but you said -

KOCHANSKI:
I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I asked him to play along.

LISTER:
You weren't going out with him?

KOCHANSKI:
He wasn't my type.

LISTER:
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn picky! Why wasn't he your type?

KOCHANSKI:
He was gay.

LISTER:
You see? Picky. Everythin's got to be absolutely perfect before you're int - What did you say??

KOCHANSKI:
He was gay.

LISTER:
Gay?

KOCHANSKI:
Yes.

LISTER:
Are you sayin' I'm gay in an alternative dimension?

KOCHANSKI:
Yes.

LISTER:
Me?

KOCHANSKI:
That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out.

LISTER:
Wait a minute... you don't think... now hang on, I'm completely straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache for starters. It just grows in little clumps...

KOCHANSKI:
Oh, shut up...

LISTER:
I'm just sayin' -

KOCHANSKI:
I really miss him. He was great. Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me. Made me feel everything was okay.

LISTER:
Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am not gay!

KOCHANSKI:
There's no need to make such a big deal about it!

LISTER:
But I am not!

KOCHANSKI:
Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had loads of gay friends.

LISTER:
Yeah, so did I.

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah?

LISTER:
Yeah!

KOCHANSKI:
Real friends, that you were really close to?

LISTER:
Yeah.

KOCHANSKI:
Name one.

LISTER:
Okay, what about... Bent Bob?

KOCHANSKI:
'Bent Bob'..??

LISTER:
Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.

KOCHANSKI:
That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it going, mate?"

LISTER:
It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used it behind his back. Used to go to poker school; nice bloke.

KOCHANSKI:
And he was one of your really good friends, was he?

LISTER:
All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.

KOCHANSKI:
Yes you have. You just haven't known they were.

LISTER:
Like who?

KOCHANSKI:
Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.

LISTER:
Toddhunter?

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah.

LISTER:
But he was married.

KOCHANSKI:
So?

LISTER:
He had kids!

KOCHANSKI:
So??

LISTER:
He used to fool around, slept with women!

KOCHANSKI:
That doesn't mean anything -

LISTER:
Yes it does! (He twigs) Hang on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to take my mind off being stuck in 'ere! You're not really a sad loser after all, are you? (A beat) God, I found that really attractive, as well. Made me feel sort of superior and macho. Not that I don't usually feel macho, because I do.

KOCHANSKI:
Here, have another drink, ‘heteroboy’.

LISTER:
So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?

KOCHANSKI says nothing, just the ghost of a smile plays on her face.

LISTER:
Ahhhh, smeg!

KRYETN and CAT return.

KRYTEN:
We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.

KOCHANSKI:
Will you be okay?

CAT:
Leave him to me.

LISTER:
I'll be okay.

KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI leave.

CAT turns himself around in the cramped space and sits beside LISTER. He glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices breathing exercises to keep calm.

CAT:
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ew! I tell you, if I was dead you most certainly could not swing me around in here!

LISTER:
Cat...

CAT:
Talk about cooped up!

LISTER:
Cat!

CAT:
Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?

LISTER:
Right.

CAT is silent for a few moments, aware he should be diverting LISTER's attention but at a loss for something to say.

CAT:
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it because you're kind of sissy?

LISTER rolls his eyes in incredulity and tries to put a stop to the discussion.

LISTER:
Sissy.

CAT:
Yeah??

LISTER:
Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?

CAT:
So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the walls were -

LISTER cuts him off with a strangled cry.

LISTER:
I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.

CAT:
But how come you get it at all, though?

LISTER:
(Sighs) I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four... She was twenty-two, come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m' trolleys. (Sighs) We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time -

CAT:
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like that...

LISTER:
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus. After a couple of minutes, about half way through, she leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this wooden packing crate; it was 'im! He asked what the hell she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned, dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the light-bulb. He was havin' none of that. He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal. He drove me out there! I was screamin' at him, pleadin': "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, just let me out! In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out, bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...

CAT:
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!


13.Int. Starbug Ductway.

KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are working at the access grill.

KRYTEN:
I had no idea Mister Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?

KOCHANSKI:
Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.

KRYTEN:
He's told me about everything else about his life...

KOCHANSKI:
Not everything, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
(Indignantly) Absolutely, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI:
(A beat) Everything?

KRYTEN:
Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese Slice Snap' can only entertain for so long.

KOCHANSKI:
So... what did he tell you about me?

KRYTEN:
Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single detail.

KOCHANSKI:
You mean, he told you about the rusty gate?

KRYTEN:
Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all had a good laugh about that!

KOCHANSKI's eyes widen.

KOCHANSKI:
He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when I'm making love?? He told you that??

KRYTEN:
No, he told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped fix it.

KOCHANSKI:
And that gave you a big laugh?

KRYTEN:
Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad of the anecdote.

KOCHANSKI:
(Hideously embarrassed) S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that.

KRYTEN:
Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll laugh till you're sick!'.

KOCHANSKI:
Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.

KRYTEN:
In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?

KOCHANSKI:
Well, it's because -

KRYTEN:
It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the salty goodness!

KOCHANSKI:
That's his problem; I'm accounted for.

KRYTEN:
What about the way you look at him?

KOCHANSKI:
(Indignant) What way?

KRYTEN:
I've seen the way!

KOCHANSKI:
What way?

KRYTEN:
Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!

KOCHANSKI:
(Aghast) How could you say that..? I have never looked at him like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese, but never, ever, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never! (A beat) Have I?


14.Int. Starbug Ductway.

CAT suddenly cocks his head as if listening intently.

CAT:
What's that?

LISTER:
What's what?

CAT:
Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise...

LISTER:
A roaring noise?

CAT:
Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...

LISTER:
I can't hear a thing.

CAT:
It's like water roaring down, say, a passageway. In a kind of roaring, watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!

LISTER suddenly bolts several meters down a ductway.

CAT:
Hey, where're you goin'?

LISTER:
Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water!

He runs back to CAT.

LISTER:
Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!

CAT:
You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.

LISTER:
Come on!

LISTER sprints off down the ductway.

CAT:
I ain't goin' wit' you!

LISTER:
Why not??

CAT:
That's where the water's coming from. Psshhh. You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?

Within seconds, thousands of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways. The CREW, caught in the path of this tsunami, are swept out of control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks. Pressed up against the grating, the CREW can do nothing but let the last of the water blast past them.

LISTER:
(Yelling) I hate this, I really hate this!


15.Int. Starbug Ductway.

Now bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off, they ALL tramp though a larger section of ducts. CAT pauses, listening.

CAT:
What's that?

LISTER:
What's what?

CAT:
That noise...

LISTER:
Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?

CAT:
No, not that noise. This is a different kind of noise.

LISTER:
Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist' kind of noise..?

CAT:
It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise!

LISTER:
A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise?? (A beat) The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!

All four scrabble to find something to hold on to.

LISTER:
Here it comes...

The roar of the dryers build until the duct is filled with gusting, shrieking wind. LISTER and CAT both grasping and overhead grating, are lifted off their feet, hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-tunnel.

LISTER:
I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!

CAT loses his grip and tumbles down along the duct, followed by LISTER; they bounce into CAT, KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI all of whom have been piled up against the wall of a junction in the ducts.


16.Int. Supply room.

KRYTEN:
This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.

LISTER:
What is it?

KRYTEN:
There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte.

KRYTEN applies the hypo-gun to LISTER's neck and empties a round into a vein.

KRYTEN:
Well done, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI:
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.

CAT:
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!

LISTER:
Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in? It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?

KRYTEN:
Ma'am, that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which direction was it in?

KOCHANSKI:
Dead ahead.

KRYTEN:
(Panicking) Oh! Anything else in the vicinity?

KOCHANSKI:
To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.

KRYTEN:
I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial impact of the generators going down. I think we're heading straight into that sun! And it's all my fault!

LISTER:
Kryten, man, it's not your fault...

KRYTEN:
It is!

LISTER:
It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.

KRYTEN:
I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access panel in the corridor.

LISTER:
What??

KRYTEN:
I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!

LISTER:
Kryten, man, what made you do it??

KRYTEN:
I really can't remember...

CAT:
What do you mean, 'you can't remember'?

KRYTEN:
I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...

KOCHANSKI:
Say it...

KRYTEN:
I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am. Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mister Lister would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having Gelfs around to dinner. And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again!

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten..!

KRYTEN:
I was just so scared!

LISTER:
Come on. We've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!

KRYTEN:
But we're not going to make it, sir!

LISTER:
Yes we are!

KOCHANSKI:
How?

LISTER:
Catch some surf!


17.Int. Starbug ductway.

The CREW have salvaged a large metal plate upon which they all sit, two-abreast.

LISTER:
Okay, here it comes...

CAT:
Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?

LISTER:
Just get into position! Here it -

A roaring tide of water bursts out of the duct behind them and sends their makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct.

ALL:
AAAARRRRGGHH!


18.Int. Supply room.

ALL enter.

LISTER:
Oh! Thank god we made it!

LISTER takes in his surroundings and realises they are not where they are supposed to be.

LISTER:
Oh God!!

KOCHANSKI:
How? How??

KRYTEN:
I, er, I, ah, er...

KRYTEN, holding a map, rotates it 180 degrees.

KRYTEN:
Oh.

KOCHANSKI:
Well, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really terrific sun-block cream.

KRYTEN:
Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override. In case... anything happened...

CAT:
You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God knows where and back for absolutely no reason??

LISTER:
It was all pointless? You put me through that nightmare when we could just walk out that door at any moment??

KRYTEN:
(In tears) Mm.

LISTER:
Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do. But we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron...

LISTER and CAT leave.

KOCHANSKI:
(Brightly) Well, 'night.

KRYTEN:
Aren't you mad too, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI shakes her head and smiles sweetly.

KRYTEN:
You're not, are you.

She shakes her head.

KRYTEN:
I think I understand: For you, the trip through the ducts was far from pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never thought possible. Am I right?

While KRYTEN has been expounding theories, KOCHANSKI has surreptitiously arming herself with her trusty pipe-bashing spanner.

KOCHANSKI:
Say 'nurieek'.

KRYTEN:
'Nurieek'.

KOCHANSKI whips out the spanner and raps KRYTEN smartly over the head.

KRYTEN:
Oof.

KOCHANSKI:
Say 'rutut'.

KRYTEN:
'Rutut'.

Again the spanner flies, resulting in a satisfying 'clang' of metal against metal.

KRYTEN:
Ooh.

KOCHANSKI:
Say 'hernunger'.

KRYTEN:
Er, 'hernunger'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Nurieek'.

KRYTEN:
'Nurieek'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Rutut'.

KRYTEN:
'Rutut'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Hernunger'.

KRYTEN:
'Hernunger'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Sqweloookal'.

KRYTEN:
'Sqweloookal'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Rutut'.

KRYTEN:
Oohh! 'Rutut'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Nurieek'.

KRYTEN:
Ooh! 'Nurieek'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Hernunger'.

KRYTEN:
'Hernunger'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Sqweloookal'.

KRYTEN:
'Sqweloookal'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Nurieek'!

KRYTEN:
'Nurieek'.

Clang.

Sound and picture begin to fade.

KOCHANSKI:
'Rutut'!

KRYTEN:
'Rutut'.

Clang.

KOCHANSKI:
'Hernunger'!


Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Anett (Kochanski)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 7th February 1997

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Christine Kochanski