'Back in the Red' (Part 2) Doug Naylor

1 - CGI/Model shot

Red Dwarf slowly crosses space.

Narrative text appears over the ship:
"The mining ship Red Dwarf
Reconstructed together with
its original crew, by an army
of microscopic robots
Reason - smeg knows"


2 - Int. Captain's office

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is seated, facing a camera which bleeps as it powers up, expanding its aperture until it has him in tight focus.

HOLLISTER:
This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps:

Cue three scenes of 'video evidence': edited clips from 'Back In The Red, part 1'. The signal hisses into static for a second as the first clip patches in:


3 - Int. Sleeping Quarters

LISTER is seated at the table in their sleeping quarters, a security bracelet in place around his wrist. He holds his head in his hands glumly.

LISTER:
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you!

He turns to regard RIMMER, who stands beside him, a look of suspicion on his face.

LISTER:
And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

Bleeps issue from the video system as a cut is made to events a little further ahead. The scene is unchanged, but LISTER is now pacing across the sleeping quarters uneasily

LISTER:
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society. I need your help, man.

Timecode bleeps issue once more as this clip cuts to:


4 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf

RIMMER and LISTER sit together on a row of seats, both turned out in full uniform. LISTER is petitioning RIMMER heatedly. A series of rapid-fire cuts take us through the meat of LISTER's pitch.

LISTER:
I've seen the crew's files,

MEDIC:
al records, sessions with the therapist, the works… I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams... Just, help me escape.

RIMMER:
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first.

LISTER:
You're on.

RIMMER:
Get me promoted.

LISTER:
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.


5 - Int. Starbug wreckage

RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one of them.

RIMMER:
Yes!


6 - CGI/Model shot

Red Dwarf slowly crosses space.


7 - Int. Captain's office

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is seated at his desk in the tidy, well-furnished office, going through some paperwork. RIMMER enters carrying a folder under his left arm. The CAPTAIN puts down his pen upon seeing RIMMER, and rests his chin on his hand. RIMMER stands to attention and begins one of his complex ‘Rimmer salutes’.

RIMMER:
My captain, sir.

The CAPTAIN stares impassively at RIMMER, who continues to hold his arm outstretched and twirl his hand.

HOLLISTER:
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

RIMMER is oblivious to the sarcasm.

RIMMER:
Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for the especially important, sir.

After no less than fifty-two hand-twirls, RIMMER completes his salute by snapping his hand up to temple, whipping it to his side and executing a series of high-speed figure-eights about his hip before whipping the hand down to rest at his side. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER smiles at him indulgently

HOLLISTER:
You wanted to see me?

RIMMER:
I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER's smile fades, recognising serious issues even when they come from Rimmer.

RIMMER:
Obviously, anyone who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere. I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.

RIMMER:
hands his folder to the CAPTAIN, who glances over the abstract, surprise on his face.

HOLLISTER:
Did you really think of this?

RIMMER:
Permission to look smug, sir?

HOLLISTER closes the folder and gestures consent.

HOLLISTER:
Permission granted.

A sickening expression creeps over RIMMER's face.

HOLLISTER:
Good work, Rimmer. Great work.

RIMMER:
Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir.

RIMMER places a small cake on the CAPTAIN's desk - the cake-case is emblazoned with the 'Tesco' logo.

RIMMER:
I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.

The CAPTAIN picks up the cake and inhales deeply, his eyes faraway

HOLLISTER:
A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer...

The CAPTAIN puts the muffin back on his desk and gestures to the door, seeming to take care not to appear brusque.

HOLLISTER:
Dismissed.

RIMMER:
Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the

MEDIC:
al guys think we've run out of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions asked.

RIMMER hands HOLLISTER a small, rectangular box. HOLLISTER peers at the small text on the side.

HOLLISTER:
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove."

RIMMER hands over a flattened rubber glove; it is shaped to encase a bunched fist and has one, long, finger. The CAPTAIN stares at RIMMER steadily.

RIMMER:
"One size fits all"...

HOLLISTER eyes the glove, then peers at RIMMER inquiringly.

RIMMER:
I could tell from your walk.

HOLLISTER holds up a finger to hold RIMMER then delves in a desk drawer.

HOLLISTER:
Rimmer…

Withdrawing an envelope, HOLLISTER plucks a folded piece of paper from his desk and slides it in.

HOLLISTER:
Could you post this for me?

He scrawls a name on the envelope and hands it to RIMMER.

RIMMER:
Why, certainly, sir.

RIMMER takes the envelope, licks the seal and presses the flap down. Turning it over in his hands, he notices the addressee

RIMMER:
Oh, its addressed to me, sir?

HOLLISTER:
I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater things.

RIMMER:
And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?

HOLLISTER:
This report is first rate! Now, I want you to come to supper. See you on Friday. Incidentally, its black tie...

RIMMER:
Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?

Wincing, HOLLISTER points to the door.

HOLLISTER:
Just go! Wear what the hell you want...

RIMMER executes a second excruciatingly long salute, first bringing up his hand almost like a reverse-cue of his introductory spectacle. Arm outstretched, then he brings first shoulders then hips into play to supply the necessary emphasis to this particular work of art, which culminates in a wild bout of arm flinging and a terminating leap to stamp the feet together solidly; he then about-faces and limps away clutching his chafed ankles. HOLLISTER watches him go, exasperated.


7 - Int. Medical bay

A MEDIC is joined by KRYTEN, who is wearing a lavender jump-suit. The MEDIC, absorbed in his work, does not notice the peculiar nature of his patient.

MEDIC:
Get undressed.

KRYTEN waddles off and disappears behind a modesty screen. Moments later he shuffles back to the MEDIC, having removed both his jump-suit and his black outer shell to reveal a beige under-version. His hands modestly cover his groinal socket.

MEDIC:
Fill this up, behind the screen.

Not looking up from his paperwork, the MEDIC hands KRYTEN a specimen bottle, which the mechanoid takes with him behind the screen. When he returns, the bottle is filled with flowers. Catching sight of the flowers, the MEDIC finally notices his patient's peculiar disposition and, after a moment's shock, frows at the prospect at having to do more work than he previously thought necessary. He tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure, but succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoid's other arm. The over-inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room.

Passage of time: KRYTEN now lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC stands between hi's legs, holding a power drill; he unscrews two bolts, whereupon KRYTEN’s head falls off and rolls out of the room.


8 - Int. Kochanski's Quarters

KOCHANSKI sits cross-legged on her bed, holding a white, fluffy toy. More toys sit on a shelf at the head of the bed, but otherwise the room is quite sparsely furnished. A NURSE and KRYTEN enter.

KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, hi...

Exit NURSE.

KOCHANSKI:
What are you doing here?

KRYTEN sits down on the bed, looking tearful.

KOCHANSKI:
What's wrong?

KRYTEN:
I've been classified as a woman.

KOCHANSKI:
A woman, why?

KRYTEN:
Well, because I haven't got a... sotto voce penis...

KOCHANSKI's eyes widen with understanding and she sneaks a glance in that direction before KRYTEN resumes speaking.

KRYTEN:
It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".

KOCHANSKI:
Well, what happened, did you lose it?

KRYTEN:
I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my name in the snow.

KOCHANSKI:
So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?

KRYTEN:
I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am. No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day.

KOCHANSKI:
But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way you behave.

KRYTEN:
I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my factory settings!

KOCHANSKI:
But your corrupted files are what makes you you!

KRYTEN:
I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable!

KOCHANSKI:
Oh!

KRYTEN:
Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so... (His face spasms) Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?

KOCHANSKI:
What was it supposed to be?

KRYTEN:
Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.

KOCHANSKI:
Well, look, what are you going to do?

KRYTEN:
Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they are my superiors.

KOCHANSKI:
Look, you've got to say no!

KRYTEN:
I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!

KOCHANSKI:
Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they look like on the loo... can you see them?

KRYTEN:
No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can! (He laughs, delighted)

KOCHANSKI:
Do they still seem better than you?

KRYTEN:
No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI:
Do they still seem superior?

KRYTEN:
No, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI:
That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!

KRYTEN:
(Stares distantly and laughs again) It works for everyone!

KOCHANSKI grins along with him, caught up in the moment.

KOCHANSKI:
Yes! Who are you looking at now?

KRYTEN:
You, ma'am!

He chortles merrily as he looks KOCHANSKI up and down, while her face falls in annoyance.


9 - Int. Courtroom

KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, and LISTER are seated in a row at a long table placed centrally in a cramped office room. They face a smaller, empty, table, and two BAILIFFS stand to attention behind them them, flanking the entrance to the room.

BAILIFF:
Be upstanding.

The four rise to their feet as CHIEF ENGINEER, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, and CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON enter. The CAPTAIN and the two female officers head for the smaller of the two tables.

LISTER:
(To KOCHANSKI) Just relax, Rimmer’s gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake,we're just going through the motions...

HOLLISTER:
Let's get this enquiry under way.

Everyone takes their seats, the CAPTAIN seated at the centre of the smaller table, flanked by the two officers.

HOLLISTER:
You have refused defence assistance, is that right?

CAT holds up his pen to call for indulgence, then gestures to the others, who lean in to form a huddle.

CAT:
Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like we know what we're doing!

CAT breaks the huddle.

CAT:
We intend to defend ourselves!

The four huddle together hurriedly.

CAT:
You see how good that looked?

The four break again.

HOLLISTER:
Are you familiar with the mind scan?

LISTER:
We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

HOLLISTER:
You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of enquiry?

KOCHANSKI:
Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER:
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.

ALL:
Aye.

HOLLISTER gestures towards the paperwork laid out in front of the four.

HOLLISTER:
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.

HOLLISTER glances at his CMO as the four sign papers and slip them into their envelopes

HOLLISTER:
We reconvene at ten am tomorrow.

The Dwarfers lick the seals on their envelopes and seal them up.


10 - Int. Holding cells

LISTER is sitting in his cell; the doorway is covered by a dark, but translucent, blue force-field that shimmers in an unsettling sine-wave pattern. A second force-field covers the entrance to the cells, and a control panel decorates the wall between the two shielded doors. RIMMER enters; he fingers a control panel on the far side of the wall and the force-field covering the entrance to the cells lifts. He steps through, the field reforming behind him, then taps a code into the control panel by LISTER’s cell and the field covering the cell's entrance lifts. He joins LISTER inside and the field drops down.

RIMMER:
The plan's working, Listy.


11 - Int. Cell interior

RIMMER takes a seat on the bench opposite LISTER.

RIMMER:
Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence - or G.R.O.P.E. for short - is bang on course.

LISTER:
That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!

RIMMER:
The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two girls wresting in a giant vat of baked beans, then removed the girls and handed him a spoon. He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers.

LISTER:
The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?

RIMMER:
At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible, sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception? Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-split.

LISTER:
Well, don't forget your part of the deal. (He holds up his wrist, indicating the security bracelet) The override code for this so I can leg it.

RIMMER:
It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!

LISTER:
The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got more holes than my socks.

RIMMER:
But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet.

LISTER:
Woah! we shook hands on a deal!

RIMMER:
Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate.

LISTER:
No escapo, no more info.

RIMMER:
Listy, its not going to help you.

He takes out a CD from his trousers' thigh pocket and holds it up. LISTER places a hand over his temples, frustrated.

RIMMER:
I've got the confidential files. Plus, I went through Starbug's salvage,and I found these:

He fishes around in a rear pocket and draws out two vials, one filled with a blue liquid, the other a red liquid, and holds them out. LISTER takes them and examines each in turn

LISTER:
The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.

RIMMER:
Positive viruses, Holly told me everything.

He plucks the vials from LISTER's hands. He holds up the tube of blue liquid

RIMMER:
Take some of this, it gives you luck - (He drops his hand, and holds up the other vial excitedly) - and this, gives you sexual magnetism. I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.


12 - Int. Holding cells

RIMMER enters the access code into a wall panel inside the cell and steps outside the field.

LISTER:
So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel?

RIMMER:
Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".

RIMMER taps on the exterior panel and the field over the entrance to the cells lifts. With a final glance at LISTER, who holds up his middle finger in apparent defiance, RIMMER exits.

LISTER:
You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube...

LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; it pops open and he pulls it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out.

LISTER:
Sheer luck...

A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel opens the exit. LISTER chortles and trots out.


13 - Int. Offices

CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, and a NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stand side-by-side, intimidating a wretched KRYTEN who stands opposite them in the small office, practically wringing his hands. MP THORNTON stands guard beside the mechanoid, a rifle held firmly in his hands.

C.ENGINEER:
You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision?

KRYTEN:
Nnnn-, nnnnn-, nnnnnnnn-, oh, its no good!


14 - Int. Offices

KRYTEN whips the sidearm from THORNTO's hip holster. The man spins to face the mechanoid but instead finds himself staring down the barrel of his own pistol. He lowers his rifle hesitantly; KRYTEN snatches it and drops it behind him. The other four shuffle back a step, fearfully


COUNSELLOR:
Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be - After all, Kryten is merely holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.

CMO:
We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say.

KRYTEN jerks the pistol, gesturing THORNTON forward to join the others, then indicates the door leading out of the offices

KRYTEN:
Come on, then. Come with me.


15 - Int. Unisex toilets

Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER, led by KRYTEN. A row of stalls lines one wall, and opposite them a device fixed to the wall provided clean-up facilities. A sign on the partitioning wall next to it reads: "JMC, Please wash your hands before leaving"

KRYTEN:
Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you, quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it. Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(To CMO) My god, he's mad!

CMO:
Then what're you going to do to us..?

KRYTEN:
I'm going to look at you.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(To CMO) He's totally mad!

CMO:
Just... do what he says...

COUNSELLOR:
Lovely...

The officers turn and shuffle into the cubicles, MCCLAREN leading the way almost enthusiastically. KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn, laughing gleefully. The NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stares beyond KRYTEN's shoulder, clearly angry. THORNTON looks rightly worried, also not meeting KRYTEN's gaze; both of them sit with their trousers and underpants round their ankles. As does COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, who carefully adjusts a suspender at the top of his white, lacy stockings and glances at KRYTEN indulgently. The CHIEF ENGINEER and CMO both sit stiffly with skirts hitched up and knickers down. The former woman crosses her arms and stares at KRYETN with irritation, the CMO has her head turned away and her eyes covered, highly embarrassed.

KRYTEN:
Now I want you to ask me the question again.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
What question??

KRYTEN:
"Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?"

CMO:
Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?

KRYTEN:
Nnnnnn-, nnnnnnn-, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno!

Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of two SECURITY OFFICERS who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-gun to the mech's neck and he goes out like a light.


16 - Int. Corridor

LISTER and KOCHANSKI poke their heads around a corner, checking for others, before stepping out and shuffling down the corridor. Both of them wear peaked caps and red coveralls stamps with "ENGINEERING SECTION" over the right breast and "LIFT MAINTENENCE" over the left.


17 - CGI/Model shot

A lift moving swiftly down its shaft.


18 - Int. Inside the lift

KOCHANSKI:
- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made you pick the right one? That's brilliant!

LISTER:
Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube.

KOCHANSKI:
That's brilliant! That's just brilliant!

She glances at LISTER mischievously.

KOCHANSKI:
(Teasingly) Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.

LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere. He surreptitiously runs the fingertips of his left hand over his tongue. After a moment, KOCHANSKI lets out a small sigh and turns to regard him.

KOCHANSKI:
Is that a new shirt..?

LISTER fusses with the black collar peeking out from under his coveralls.

LISTER:
Nah... I've had it a while.

KOCHANSKI:
Oh - it's really nice.

LISTER:
(Grins) Thanks.

KOCHANSKI:
It's really, really, nice; really suits you.

Amazed at KOCHANSKI's sudden interest, LISTER grins so widely he can barely speak.

LISTER:
Thanks!

KOCHANSKI:
Brings out the... (She waves a finger distractedly at her eyes) ...brown-ness, in your eyes...

Suddenly, unable to resist the combined effects of LISTER's augmented sexual magnetism and improbable good luck, KOCHANSKI grabs his lapels and drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off the belt of LISTER's boiler suit, KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders and shoves a surprised LISTER against the lift wall, following inches behind to plant another passionate kiss on his lips. Wasting no time, KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground, pulls off his and her own cap, and goes in for the kill. However, mere seconds later the kissing stops as abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI recoils, horrified.

KOCHANSKI:
Oh, god, Dave! I am so sorry! (She scrambles to her feet) Oh! I don't know what happened there!

LISTER gingerly eases up and sits back against the lift wall.

LISTER:
I think I do.

He holds up a finger on his left hand.

LISTER:
I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand - (He raises his other hand) - but the Luck virus cured it for me. (He scowls at the fingertips of his right hand) Thanks, pal.

KOCHANSKI:
I don't know what got into me.

LISTER drags himself to his feet, pouting, and offers KOCHANSKI her cap.

LISTER:
Well. Nothing, sadly.

She pulls on the cap, pauses, then turns to look suspiciously at him, as he stands breathing heavily, staring ahead with a look of obvious disappointment.


19 - Int. A room in darkness

KRYTEN has electrodes fixed to his head, attached to wires which extend up into darkness. He movements suggest he believes he is floating, as if suspended in water. A faint, refracted image of the CHIEF ENGINEER is visible, hovering over the mechanoid, as though reflected in glass.


20 - Int. Engineering control room

The CHIEF ENGINEER stands in front of a panel of electronic equipment. In front of her, a large window looks out into the dark room in which KRYTEN is wired up to the computer system. Close up: video screen. A figure appears, a stereotypical boffin wearing a tank-top and bow-tie, with black-rimmed glasses and wild red hair. The figure begins narrating an interactive diagnostic utility

DATA DOCTOR:
Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard disk, press 'Examine'.

The CHIEF ENGINEER moves a pointer and selects the named option.


21 - CGI / live action composite

DATA DOCTOR:
Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions: (A brief pause as a dynamic list is formed, then text begins to flow down the screen, beside him; he speaks each word disjointedly as it appears) Affection; arrogance; envy; guilt; humour; insecurity; petulance; possessiveness; snobbery, and love. If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.

As the option is selected, the names of various emotions appear on the screen over a video of clip of KRYTEN exaggeratedly performing them. For each, the text changes to read 'Fixed' and KRYETN's face turns blank and emotionless. After a few emotions, the software speeds up and simply flashes text messages to indicate progress.

DATA DOCTOR:
All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.


22 - Int. Engineering control room

NARRATOR:
Please reboot your mechanoid.


23 - Int. A room in darkness

A tone is heard, falling in pitch, and KRYTEN's head slumps forward.

NARRATOR (V.O.):
His personality has now been restored -


24 - Int. Engineering control room

KRYTEN present, visible in his darkened room through the glass partition.

NARRATOR (V.O.):
- to its factory settings.

CHIEF ENGINEER presses a button on her control pad, which beeps. Out of shot, KRYTEN comes back online.

KRYTEN:
My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service?

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
Certainly, ma'am.

KRYTEN begins to mime making a cup of coffee.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Then you may scrub the floor.

KRYTEN:
Yes, ma'am.

KRYTEN immediately mimes pushing a mop along the floor.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Are you happy -


25 - Int. A room in darkness

CHIEF ENGINEER (V.O.):
- Kryten?

KRYTEN:
I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to serve.

He smiles beatifically.

KRYTEN:
present


26 - Int. Engineering control room

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(Smiles tightly) Excellent.


27 - Int. Corridor

IMMER pauses at the hatchway and pulls out the tube of Sexual Magnetism virus.

RIMMER:
I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.

He takes a sip from the tube, then strides out into the corridor, passing a group of female crewmembers standing talking

WOMEN:
Hi...

RIMMER acknowledges with a smile and walks on. Enter two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS

WOMEN:
Hi...

RIMMER smarms with self-satisfaction and proceeds without breaking stride.


28 - Int. Captain's Table

The CAPTAIN sits at the head of an elongated octagonal table laid with a lavish spread and illuminated by small lamps that cast a soft, pleasing glow. The officers sit on either side of the table in four 'rows', two FEMALE OFFICERS, one young and pale with red hair, the other older, larger and dark-haired, sit opposite each other at the end closest to the CAPTAIN, then two MALE OFFICERS, two more FEMALE OFFICERS, and finally the CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER and RIMMER.

RIMMER:
…and if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.

RIMMER becomes aware that every woman at the table is staring at him, speculatively; he shifts uncomfortably, interpreting the attention as suspicion.

RIMMER:
Certain pockets of... futurey things.

The dark-haired, larger, female officer seated near the head of the table raises her wine glass and silently toasts RIMMER, smiling.

RIMMER:
From the future.

The CMO, seated opposite RIMMER, continues to stare intently at RIMMER over her glasses.

CMO:
How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer...

HOLLISTER:
I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let me find out where that coffee is.

CMO:
Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.

She rises from her seat, then pauses, folding her glasses absently as she looks down at RIMMER.

CMO:
Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer..?

RIMMER:
Why, certainly - (Apparently seeing nothing more than a further opportunity to impress the congregation with his latent social skills, RIMMER stands ups with a smile) - and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes?

Watching him leave, the young, red-haired officer licks her lips unconsciously.


29 - Int. Galley

RIMMER and CMO enter.

RIMMER:
…and, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more sense -

The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and smothers his lips with a kiss.

CMO:
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!

She shoves him through a door into an adjoining room marked 'Captain's Galley'


30 - CGI/Model shot

A lift moving swiftly up through its shaft.


31 - Int. Lift

LISTER and KOCHANSKI have managed to rescue CAT since last we saw them. Somehow, they've managed to get the feline into a grey technician’s jump-suit, though he wears his full-length, zebra-marked, black and white jacket over the top of it.

CAT:
Bravo, bud! What now?

LISTER:
Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell outta town.

The lift halts and LISTER consults a handheld device.

LISTER:
He's on this floor.


32 - Int. Corridor

Leading them through a corridor, LISTER monitors his scanner and, rounding a corner, turns to the others.

LISTER:
Here he is!

KRYTEN enters, flicking a feather duster across a wall. LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI stride up to him. LISTER touches KRYTEN's arm to get his attention.

LISTER:
Kryten, come on.

KRYTEN turns around slowly, but displays no hint of recognition.

KRYTEN:
Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

He extends his hand to LISTER, politely.

LISTER:
What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution teacher!

KRYTEN starts at LISTER's informal response and turns his nose up haughtily.

KRYTEN:
Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.

He executes a precisely controlled turn and waddles off down the corridor. The others follow him along the corridor and look on after him.

KOCHANSKI:
Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to say 'no'. (She peers around the corridor branch, and spots movement) Someone's coming.

They turn around and stride back along the corridor. Two crewmen walk by without glancing in their direction.

LISTER:
We've got to get a better disguise.

CAT:
We've already got a disguise!

LISTER:
What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit, Cat?

CAT:
A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha!

He exits.


33 - Int. Storage room

The three of them step into a medical storage room, LISTER hanging back to keep a check on activity outside. CAT removes his jacket stroppily, and begins rummaging through a storage locker.

LISTER:
Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.

Satisfied no one has seen them, LISTER leaves the door and heads over to CAT.

CAT:
Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!

He turns around, holding a mop in one hand and a pair of false teeth, taken from a set of shelves above the locker, in the other. He spins around again, hunched over the locker while LISTER and KOCHANSKI look on, confused.

LISTER:
What?

CAT turns back around: he now wears the black mop-head on his head and has the large pair of false teeth in his mouth.

CAT:
The Dibbley family!

He mimes a graceless march, then moves away from the locker, arms flapping wildly.

LISTER:
Yess!

LISTER and KOCHANSKI both grab mop-heads and teeth of their own and spend a moment perfecting their look.


34 - Int. Captain's table

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, the FEMALE OFFICERS andMALE OFFICERS are rejoined by RIMMER and the CMO, who take their seats, both breathing heavily, their clothes and hair askew.

HOLLISTER:
Ahhh, there you are! Any... news on the coffee?

RIMMER stares for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembers the original reason he and the CMO left the table.

RIMMER:
Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir.

He leaves.

LARGE FEMALE OFFICER :
I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer…

Exit OFFICER.


35 - Int. Galley

Behind the closed door to the Captain's galley we see RIMMER’s agonised face pressed up to the in-set window. The ample FEMALE OFFICER appears behind him, smiling joyously before dragging him out of sight.


36 - Int. Storage room

The trio each have on their Dibbley disguises, and are wearing white lab coats. THORNTON and a SECOND MP appear; the SECOND MP takes up station by the door, while THORNTON steps in slowly.

THORNTON:
Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped prisoners.

CAT:
Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here -

He places an arm around KOCHANSKI's shoulders; she raises a hand to his side affectionately.

CAT:
- and my brother.

He drapes his other arm around LISTER, who grins vacantly at the MP.

LISTER:
Hello!

KOCHANSKI:
Hi!

LISTER:
Hi.

THORNTON:
(Eyes the trio suspiciously) I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?

CAT:
That's because we don't go around much looking like this.

THORNTON:
What do you guys do?

The 'Dibbleys' glance at each other for a moment

KOCHANSKI, CAT and LISTER :
...Computer programmers.

LISTER mimes tapping on a keyboard.

THORNTON:
Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay?

KOCHANSKI:
Er, you bet.

KRYTEN enters. The trio’s eyes widen, unsure what he will do if he sees them.

KRYTEN:
Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.

KRYTEN opens the storage locker and begins searching through it. He takes out one of the head-less shafts and holds it up, puzzled.

KRYTEN:
How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.

KRYTEN notices the mop-heads being adjusted shiftily by the trio, but says nothing. He peers intently at CAT.

KRYTEN:
Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do I know you from?

CAT:
No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other big-teeth dork.

LISTER:
No, let him speak. Where do you know him from?

CAT:
Are you out of your mind?

LISTER:
Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!

KRYTEN:
I feel I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two emotions; two different emotions! I feel- I feel-

KOCHANSKI:
Ambivalence?

KRYTEN:
I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh - (He squeezes his eyes shut and totters unsteadily) Oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain sensible pre-set parameters...

HOLLY V.O.:
Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported prisoner sighting on C-deck!

THORNTON and SECOND MP enter. LISTER raises his wrist and addresses his watch-face, extremely relieved.

LISTER:
Nice one, Holl...

LISTER notices KOCHANSKI pacing around with a frown on her face.

LISTER:
What's wrong with you?

KOCHANSKI:
Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going for us? Like they almost want us to escape!

LISTER holds up his middle finger.

KOCHANSKI:
Hey, I was just thinking aloud!

LISTER:
No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.

Suddenly LISTER is assailed by a violent urge to sneeze. Just in time he whips off his mop-head and presses it over his nose and mouth.

KOCHANSKI looks away in disgust as LISTER attempts to rub dry whatever hideous material he caught before pulling the mop back on to his head with a grimace. He then points at KRYTEN.

LISTER:
Put your kit on.

KRYTEN turns to the storage locker.


37 - Int. Captain's table

Each of the FEMALE OFFICERS at the table, except for the red-haired girl by CAPTAIN HOLISTER, appear quite dishevelled, and the glances amongst themselves are stony. RIMMER enters with fifth FEMALE OFFICER; he is walking awkwardly and carrying a tray. The dark-haired FEMALE OFFICER who has been seated beside him this evening sidesteps his chair and seats herself, smiling with a satisfied expression, while the other women glare and her escort stares at her incredulously. RIMMER slumps into his seat, looking utterly exhausted.

RIMMER:
Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.

HOLLISTER:
(Annoyed) What about the mints?

The red-haired officer, now the only one remaining not to have spent quality time with RIMMER, senses an opportunity and gets to her feet.

FEMALE OFFICER:
I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..?

RIMMER raises his head with an effort and shakes it, looking at the woman apologetically

RIMMER:
It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get any mints until tomorrow...

Upset, the woman stomps away

HOLLISTER:
Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those results sure are going to be interesting.

RIMMER:
Psychotropic what?

HOLLISTER:
The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are laid down on tape. Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do...

RIMMER:
So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special agreements... that they've entered into, then - Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...

RIMMER:
stands up hurriedly and limps out, clutching his groin.


38 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf

Two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS are here; RIMMER enters.

WOMEN:
Hi...

RIMMER:
Hi!

Exit FEMALE CREWMEMBERS. RIMMER throws up his hands in disgust.

RIMMER:
What is wrong with me? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion - no, worse, a first year nursing student! It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some control back!


39 - Int. Medical office

RIMMER enters. He picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves.


40 - Int. Corridor

RIMMER is beginning to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and he starts to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the corridor. Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS.

RIMMER:
Hi.

FEMALE CREWMEMBERS:
Hi...

The CAPTAIN enters and sees RIMMER greeting the women; he leans against the wall as RIMMER draws near.

HOLLISTER:
Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can share your secret sometime?

RIMMER:
Yes, sir.

RIMMER pushes off from the wall, legs flapping uncontrollably, and makes his way unsteadily down the corridor. HOLLISTER watches him go, a look of puzzled concern on his face.


41 - Int. Corridor

KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI and LISTER enter. The four now all wear their Dibbley disguises: black mop-heads, false teeth giving a massive overbite, and long, white lab coats. They step into the corridor from an adjoining passage, in close formation and with their steps in perfect sync. All have their hands in the front pockets of their lab coats, and they turn to the camera in unison and smile before turning to walk, in slow-motion, down the corridor. LISTER hears bleeps and whirs behind him, turns and stops

LISTER:
Guys, it's Bob and Max.

KRYTEN, CAT and KOCHANSKI leave.

LISTER:
Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on!

Enter two SKUTTERS. The two little robots reverse down the corridor

LISTER:
We're trying to escape, but you'll never get past security, so go on! Go on!

The SKUTTERS turn down the side corridor and disappear. LISTER then exits too. The SKUTTERS return moments later wearing miniature mop-heads and clutching false teeth in their claws. They trundle off after LISTER.

Caption: "TO BE CONTINUED..."


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Kika Mirylees(CMO), Jemma Churchill (Chief Engineer), Andy Taylor (Councillor MacLaren), Sue Kelvin (Large Woman Officer), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton), Genevieve Swallow (Red-Haired Woman), Geoffrey Beevers (Medic)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 25th February 1999

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly