'Back in the Red' (Part 1) Doug Naylor

1 - Model/CGI shot

Inside a vast, man-made structure


2 - Int. Small, cell-like room

LISTER slouches on the top bunk of a vertically arranged set of two, reading an old copy of 'Starstruck' magazine. He spots something of note and begins reading aloud.

LISTER:
Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse!

RIMMER lays on the bunk below, concentrating on a book and displaying little interest in anything else

LISTER:
'"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."' God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some pictures of them here with the new-born.

LISTER flips onto his stomach, leaning over the edge of his bunk to see RIMMER, and dangling the magazine by RIMMER's head. He points at the pages

LISTER:
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

When RIMMER doesn't look, LISTER waggles the magazine in his face, then, seeing the pictures from the new angle, realises he's made a mistake

LISTER:
No no no no, there's Argyle, and there's the baby! I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!

Without a word or a glance, RIMMER gets off his bunk and seats himself at the table a short distance away. There's an air of tension emanating from him as he flexes his arms sharply upon sitting, and resumes reading fixedly. LISTER eyes him over his magazine

LISTER:
An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet he's not gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably pretend to be dead!

LISTER:
"Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?"

LISTER lets his head fall onto his pillow and stares rigidly ahead for a few seconds.

LISTER:
It's not gonna work, is it? (He leaves his magazine behind and jumps down from the bunk to sit opposite RIMMER at the table while he continues to talk) The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time.

Grinning and laughing at his own joke, LISTER waits for a reaction from RIMMER, but none is forthcoming. He peers into RIMMER's face.

LISTER:
Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.

He waves a hand in front of RIMMER's face, who keeps up the, by now obvious, pretence of reading.

LISTER:
I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you a lesson about maturity... All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it...

LISTER extends his right hand, which falls over RIMMER's book. Without a word, or a glance in LISTER's direction, RIMMER moves the hand out of his way.

LISTER:
All right, if I'm on, say nothing.

He grins at RIMMER, knowing he can't lose this one, at least.

LISTER:
I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready?

Again he waves his head in front of RIMMER, who ignores him.

LISTER:
All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed - I mean medically needed - a pint, I took some money from your purse.

LISTER mimes, with actions and sound effects, the effort of forcing open an ancient sarcophagus.

LISTER:
Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'. Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed them in after the Spanish Armada!

LISTER stares at RIMMER after concluding his tale. When it's plain no reaction is forthcoming, he turns away in disappointment.

LISTER:
Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess. Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea with a brand new teabag.

With this snipe, LISTER again stares hard at RIMMER. This time, however, he sees he may be getting somewhere - RIMMER's mouth is tight, and he seems to be drawing deeper breaths. LISTER assumes an air of defeat.

LISTER:
Well, still, plenty of time to go.

He chortles suddenly, as if just recalling something funny

LISTER:
Remember Yvonne McGruder? You really liked her, didn't you?

RIMMER’s eyebrow involuntarily twitches, and he shifts around on his chair

LISTER:
I used to go out with her, y'know. Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Eyes still locked, unmoving, to the pages of his book, the same can't be said for the rest of RIMMER’s face. Muscles are spasming and his whole body shakes with a gentle tremor. LISTER grins mischievously and goes in for the kill, leaning forward and loading his words with emphasis

LISTER:
Both cheeks, man! She nearly wore them down to the bone!

LISTER pushes himself back from the table and rocks back and forth on his chair, making hideously lewd squeaking noises as he does so. RIMMER, face purple, succumbs to psychology and perfectly simulates the release of a reasonable quantity of high-explosive incendiaries

RIMMER:
WILL YOU SHUT UP!

LISTER:
What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!

Overjoyed with his victory, LISTER chortles his way back to his bunk.

RIMMER:
I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases!

LISTER:
Well, talk to me then.

RIMMER:
No.

LISTER:
Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am - sorry!

RIMMER:
No - you're - not!

LISTER:
It was an accident!

RIMMER:
An accident? You poured a whole tube of it over me, you disgusting, rotting, foetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit.

LISTER:
Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.

Lying back on his bunk in satisfaction, LISTER resumes reading the story in his magazine

LISTER:
Eighty-three!


3 - Interlude

Cation: "3 DAYS EARLIER"


4 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug arcs through space towards a familiar, red spaceship


5 - Int. Starbug cockpit

CAT at his station at the helm. He suddenly blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble. Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right - miles in any direction.


6 - Model/CGI shot

CAT (V.O.):
This thing's even bigger than I remember...

CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and the tunnel walls. Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very large Starbug in a very large docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT deftly pilots his craft under the bulbous body of the other craft and through it's pillar-like legs.

CAT (V.O.):
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!


7 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug flies through the gigantic hatchway of an enormous corridor inside the ship, but as it does so, the whole structure quite clearly contracts a short distance, first along the horizontal, and then the vertical.


8 - Int. Starbug cockpit

CAT, KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are joined by LISTER.

LISTER:
Hey guys! Look at my body!

LISTER has his shirt unbuttoned, proudly displaying a chest dotted with clumps of hair, but otherwise unblemished.

CAT:
There's an invitation that will not cause a stampede.

LISTER:
No! It's back to normal. (He takes his seat)

KRYTEN:
No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding.


9 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug continues to fly through contracting corridors, accompanied by nerve-grating metallic shrieks


10 - Int. Starbug cockpit

ALL present.

KOCHANSKI:
It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

LISTER:
It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just like my body!


11 - Model/CGI shot

As Starbug passes a grating set into a wall, the panel at least twenty times the height and width of the transport craft, it suddenly veers off its flight-path, heading for the grating.


12 - Int. Starbug cockpit

ALL present.

CAT:
We're being sucked into a vent!


13 - Model/CGI shot

CAT (V.O.):
Can't fight it!

The little Starbug passes clean through the grate, miraculously surviving the enormous blades of the huge fan that caught the CREW in its backdraft. Starbug shoots into the ventways at high speed.


14 - Int. Starbug cockpit

ALL present. The craft has begun shaking significantly, presumably buffeting resulting from their high speed in the increasing confined vent shaft.

KOCHANSKI:
Air vent walls closing in.

KRYTEN:
We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir.

CAT:
Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

KRYTEN:
But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.

CAT:
You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you!

HOLLY appears on a monitor.

HOLLY:
All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses, or is this a bad time?

LISTER:
Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death!

HOLLY:
So that's a 'no', then, is it?

KRYTEN:
Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back to normal!

KOCHANSKI:
We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's happening. Things are back to normal!

HOLLY:
You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of the ship, one word: The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit?

KRYTEN:
Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come.

LISTER:
How long have we got?

KRYTEN:
About the time it takes to read a 'Stop' sign, sir.

CAT:
That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting!

KOCHANSKI:
What are our chances of getting out of here?

KRYTEN:
About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks.

LISTER:
I must admit, it's been a while since I did that. Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed to death under a gigantic trouser press!

CAT:
Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like that!

KOCHANSKI:
There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past Epsilon Fourteen and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two minutes!

KRYTEN:
What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to navigation, there's none finer!

LISTER:
What's your view, Holl?

LISTER:
peers at the screen, set into the control panel, that displays Holly's image

HOLLY:
Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.

LISTER:
Epsilon Fourteen.


15 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug thunders along the air vents.


16 - Int. Starbug cockpit

ALL present

KRYTEN:
There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's beating at an incredible rate!

KOCHANSKI leaves her seat and stands between LISTER and CAT to see further up ahead.

CAT:
You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating so fast.


17 - Model/CGI shot

As Starbug hurtles along the vent, the shape of a large rat slowly resolves out of the darkness. In rears up and squeals with fright as CAT deftly swings Starbug around it


18 - Int. Starbug cockpit

ALL present.

LISTER:
Heyyy!

CAT laughs happily and shoots glances around the cockpit for approval


19 - Model/CGI shot

A second rat slides out of the dark up ahead, facing away from the rapidly approaching CREW and sniffing at the ground, unawares. With its pilots distracted Starbug sails into and jams in the rear-end of the rat, which squeals as it is lifted off its paws with the inertia, then carried down the vent with the force of Starbug's engines


20 - Int. Starbug cockpit

The cockpit is in darkness, and the quick thudding of a heartbeat can be heard. Grimaces paint the faces of the CREW.


21 - Model/CGI shot

Sure enough, the put-upon rat, paws and tail flailing helplessly, is currently seeing a lot more of its environment than it probably ever imagined it would; certainly at a much higher speed


22 - Int. Starbug cockpit

HOLLY:
I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed...

Tying in throttle controls to the control yokes, LISTER and CAT yank the sticks back hard, the loss of forward thrust causing KOCHANSKI to stumble forward momentarily and releasing the ship from the rat.


23 - Model/CGI shot

Coming into view from around a curve in the vent shaft, we see first the rat as it sails gracefully, end over end, out of sight and impacts a wall with a splat. Starbug follows close behind, taking the curve smoothly.


24 - Int. Starbug cockpit

As Red Dwarf continues to shrink around their ship, the end of the vent shaft approaches. The CREW brace for impact.


25 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug crashes through the air vent cover, now comparatively small enough to be demolished completely as the ship squeezes narrowly through.


26 - Int. Starbug cockpit

The CREWlurch from the impact and sparks flash from electrical arcs in the consoles.


27 - Model/CGI shot

By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free.


28 - Int. Starbug cockpit

Starbug shakes violently as it scrapes along the corridor, fountains of sparks and minor explosions add to the general din.

CAT:
According to the desk we've lost all engines! Hey - (He grabs LISTER's arm urgently) Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?


29 - Model/CGI shot

Starbug's cockpit bubble scrapes through another hatchway that opens into a large expansive area, but unfortunately the ship's midsection doesn't make it. Jamming against the hatchway, the module is torn off, leaving Starbug's cockpit bubble skating unsteadily across the metal floor of the bay, trailing sparks.


30 - Int. Starbug cockpit

Multiple fires have broken out amongst the battered electronic components, cables hang from overhead and crackles and pops continue to punctuate the air.

KRYTEN:
Now we've lost the mid-section and the kit

CHEN:
! I'm sorry everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch!

Emergency fire extinguishers cough into life


31-39 - Model/CGI / live action shot sequence

The remaining piece of Starbug smashes through a stack of supply crates and bounces, out of control, across the floor of the bay before crashing to an unsteady halt in a recessed platform under a loading crane. Dazed and disoriented, the CREW stumble out of the burning cockpit,

KRYTEN holds CAT on his feet, and then sprints away from the tortured cockpit bubble as fast as possible. It proves to be not a minute too soon, as a huge explosion blasts them off their feet and sends half of the cockpit shell flying over their heads to explode against the far wall of the bay


40 - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay

The CREW tentatively raise their heads from where they lie on the deck. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the survivors - two of them un-mask

SELBY:
Dave?

LISTER:
Selby! Chen!

LISTER stands up slowly, unbelieving

LISTER:
Is it really you?

CHEN:
Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check. Yeah, I think it's us.

LISTER:
Guys! This is brilliant! As the others slowly convince themselves they still live and slowly stand,

LISTER:
races forward and wraps his arms around his two old friends.

They for their part, have somewhat unreadable expressions - part worry, part suspicion, part incomprehension.

LISTER:
I can't believe it!

KRYTEN:
You know these people, sir?

LISTER stands between SELBY and CHEN, an arm draped around their shoulders.

LISTER:
Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

CAT:
How?

KOCHANSKI:
The nano's must have resurrected them along with the ship.

LISTER:
This is Chen - (He plants a kiss on CHEN’s cheek) - he works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby -

SELBY wisely pulls his head away as much as possible and shoots LISTER a warning look

LISTER:
- and he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson?

CHEN:
He couldn't make it. He's drunk!

KRYTEN:
The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvellous, incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!

Two OFFICERS arrive - one clamps a hand around LISTER's collar and pushes him roughly away from his friends before stepping into view - the scowling owner of the hand is CAPTAIN HOLLISTER.

HOLLISTER:
Mister Thornton, read them their rights.

The second newcomer, a Military Police officer, steps up into LISTER’s face.

THORNTON:
David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski. Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?

LISTER:
Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.

THORNTON grabs LISTER by the shoulders and spins around, giving him a shove forward.


41 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf.

LISTER AND THORNTON enter, marching double-time.

LISTER and THORNTON:
Left - right - left - right - left - right!

LISTER:
Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!

THORNTON:
Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? Do you understand!?

LISTER:
Yes!

THORNTON:
"Yes -" what!?

LISTER:
"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?

THORNTON:
"YES - SIR"!


42 - Int. Sleeping Quarters

LISTER and THORNTON enter. LISTER’s old acoustic guitar is propped on one of two blue chairs under the elongated-hexagonal porthole, partially covering one of RIMMER’s two swimming certificates. A silver table and chair occupy the centre of the quarters, and LISTER's fish tank rests on a second table opposite the entry hatch

THORNTON:
Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - Halt! Lift arm.

LISTER rolls back the sleeve of his left arm and holds it out towards THORNTON, who slips a bulky metal bracelet around LISTER>'s wrist. As the clamps fasten, a red LED on one side of the security bracelet begins to flash

THORNTON:
At ease.

THORNTON leaves.

LISTER waits, breathing hard from his recent exertions, until the MPs disappear from view before activating his HOLLY watch and transferring the computer's image to the room's viewscreen

HOLLY:
All right, dude.

LISTER:
They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that way.

LISTER picks up a towel and begins drying off his face.

LISTER:
I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?

HOLLY:
Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go home, I suppose.

LISTER:
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

HOLLY:
Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

LISTER:
What brig?

HOLLY:
The brig on Floor Thirteen.

LISTER:
There isn't a Floor Thirteen!

HOLLY:
Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis.

LISTER:
So who knew?

HOLLY:
Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the ‘Twilight Zone’.

LISTER:
So what's it like, this brig?

HOLLY:
Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with en-suite buckets.

LISTER:
Smeggin' hell.

HOLLY:
They call it ‘The Tank’. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all being transported to Adelphi Twelve. Presumably, they've all been resurrected too.

LISTER:
What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they?

HOLLY:
Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on file somewhere. Here we go:

HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green centre stripe of hair, tribal tattoo's, and hundreds of studs and rings

NIGEL:
I'm Nigel. I'm nice!

HOLLY re-appears

HOLLY:
See what I mean? They're not all head-bangers. Nige is lovely, though he does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.

LISTER:
Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up.

LISTER presses a stud on his watch and HOLLY's image disappears

LISTER:
The brig.

He mooches unhappily across the room and slumps into the chair. RIMMER steps quietly through the open door, an enormously amused smile on his face, and stands behind LISTER, listening.

LISTER:
Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex!

RIMMER leans on LISTER's chair and looks down over him.

RIMMER:
You hope!

LISTER:
looks up, startled

LISTER:
Rimmer!

RIMMER saunters across the room

RIMMER:
Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.

LISTER:
God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.

RIMMER:
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!A zero! A nobody!

LISTER:
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!

RIMMER:
I died?

LISTER:
Yeah.

RIMMER:
All the crew died?

LISTER:
Yeah.

RIMMER:
And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a load of Neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my heaven?

LISTER:
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in stasis.

LISTER pushes himself to his feet and heads towards RIMMER.

LISTER:
Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the crew.

RIMMER:
So where are they?

LISTER:
Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth?

RIMMER:
The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.

LISTER:
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society. I need your help, man.

RIMMER:
Me?

LISTER:
Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk though that door -

LISTER indicates the open hatchway, then taps his security bracelet meaningfully

LISTER:
I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle!

RIMMER:
Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple of zillion volts is going to be easy street...


43 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf

KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are with two MP'S. They proceed more sedately before the watchful eyes of their guards, who follow at a distance. KRYTEN holds a notepad and pen

KOCHANSKI:
Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation.

KRYTEN:
In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately benefited us. We should take comfort in that.

KOCHANSKI:
Like what?

KRYTEN:
Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer acquired a hard light body.

He scribbles notes on his pad.

KOCHANSKI:
Benefit.

KRYTEN:
And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

KRYTEN makes another note.

KOCHANSKI:
Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met me!

Pausing in the corridor, KRYTEN ponders this for a moment before throwing both pad and pen away and stalking off. KOCHANSKI curls a lip as he goes. She then receives a subtle nudge from one of the MPs, and starts off after the droid, frowning.


44 - Int. Corridor on officers deck
BR>CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present. She wears a white, above-knee-length lab coat over her grey uniform of blouse and shorter skirt. She taps a foot unconsciously and checks her watch impatiently as she waits outside a door marked 'Captain's Restroom'. The flush of a toilet is heard and the door opens Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER.

HOLLISTER:
backs out of the room, spraying an aerosol can. He places the can back on a shelf before closing the door, and starts as he notices the CMO.

CMO:
What's this rumour that we're three million light years into deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

HOLLISTER stares at her incredulously and exhales heavily in irritation. He heads off down the corridor, the CMO following.

HOLLISTER:
That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?

CMO:
The coffee machine on G-deck.

HOLLISTER:
That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!

CMO:
Is it true?

HOLLISTER:
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

HOLLISTER:
Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.

CMO:
The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design plans, before the J.M.C. made all its cutbacks?

HOLLISTER:
We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.

CMO:
But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?

HOLLISTER:
Nobody knows...

The elevator chimes and the doors slide open. HOLLISTER and the CMO enter.


45 - CGI shot

The elevator slides speedily down a long shaft


45 - CGI shot

Close-up on a display screen. A medical scanner initialises and begins a scan. Messages appear as follows:

"Medi-scan enabled"

Humanoid figure appears on screen; focus reticule begins buzzing over the figure

"Anomalies detected - cardiovascular system and internal -"


46 - Int. Medical lab

The CAT is laid out on an examination table and covered with a sheet. His face twitches, as if dreaming.

CMO:
We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this:

CMO lifts the sheet and HOLLISTER peers under it at CAT's chest. He whistles in surprise.

HOLLISTER:
Has he got the measles?

CMO:
Those are his nipples, Frank.


47 - CGI shot

Medi-scan image: six points of light appear on the torso of the humanoid image.


48 - Int. Medical lab

HOLLISTER:
Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like?

CAT suddenly peers at HOLLISTER under hooded lids.

CAT:
Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.

CMO:
His internal organs are different, too.

HOLLISTER:
In what way?

CMO:
His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated.

She points out the details on the med-scan screen, and CAT grins at them proudly.

CAT:
And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.

HOLLISTER:
This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.

CMO:
His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler...

CAT:
You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff, d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that?

HOLLISTER:
Let me hear it.

CMO taps on a control pad by CAT's bed

Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb

CMO:
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

CMO taps on the pad again.

Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo beat

HOLLISTER begins swaying to the beat, and the CMO glances at him over her glasses

HOLLISTER:
Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down on tape for me?


49 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf

LISTER and RIMMER sit at either end of a row of seats, apparently waiting before LISTER is to be called into a meeting. LISTER sits uncomfortably, turned out in full uniform - grey shirt and trousers, even a tie that, LISTER being unused to wearing, hangs about three or four inches from his neckline. A guard stands at the entrance to the anteroom

LISTER:
Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these nanobots.

RIMMER:
I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places!

LISTER:
pulls a sarcastic face to match his voice and mimes

LISTER:
"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...

RIMMER:
Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the engineering exam!

LISTER:
"And become an officer"...

RIMMER:
And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and breeding.

LISTER:
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

RIMMER:
Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

LISTER:
I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?

RIMMER:
And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour generally don't take a Polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under 'missing persons'.

LISTER shifts on his seat uncomfortably and nods

RIMMER:
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a French movie star".

LISTER:
As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a French movie star. Way too good looking.

RIMMER:
Don't expect help from me, Lister.

LISTER:
But that was years ago...

RIMMER:
It was last week!

LISTER:
Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me. And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the Advoca. I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.

RIMMER:
That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning the glass.

LISTER:
It tasted all right with that Chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.

RIMMER:
You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.

LISTER:
Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

RIMMER:
Have you stopped playing the guitar?

LISTER:
No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.

RIMMER:
How's that?

LISTER:
I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it. I can help you...

RIMMER:
Do what?

LISTER:
Get promoted.

RIMMER:
(Laughs) Preposterous! How?

LISTER:
Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their strengths and weaknesses...

RIMMER:
How?

LISTER:
Well, before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship. I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that?

RIMMER:
I don't know.

LISTER:
Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape.

RIMMER:
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think - Okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first.

LISTER:
You're on.

RIMMER:
Get me promoted.

LISTER:
You've got it.

RIMMER:
Okay, deal.

LISTER:
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.


50 - Int. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf

KRYTEN and a COUNSELLOR are seated at a table in a small, sparsely furnished room. The COUNSELLOR is of middle years, small, has a receding hairline and smiles too much.

COUNSELLOR:
Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McClaren; I am the ship's chief 'psychiatric counsellor', and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really good natter.

He manages to patronise without seeming to be aware of it, speaking as though to a child; KRYTEN, however, sits congenially through the COUNSELLOR's opening spiel

KRYTEN:
KRYTEN My name is Kryten, sir.

COUNSELLOR:
Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we!

COUNSELLOR makes a note of the name on his clipboard.

COUNSELLOR:
Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

KRYTEN:
I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.

COUNSELLOR:
And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?

KRYTEN:
2340 sir.

COUNSELLOR:
Very good, 2340.

COUNSELLOR notes this down, before pausing and glancing up at the mechanoid as though recognising a mischievous joke.

COUNSELLOR:
Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

KRYTEN:
Yes sir, I was created after you died.

COUNSELLOR:
Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would you say I've been dead, altogether?

KRYTEN:
Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.

COUNSELLOR:
Aren't I?

KRYTEN:
No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?

COUNSELLOR:
Right! I was alive, died, and then started living again..?

KRYTEN:
You have been most fortunate, sir!

COUNSELLOR laughs along with the perceived joke, obviously uncomfortable

COUNSELLOR:
I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

KRYTENdutifully checks, puzzled, and nods confirmation

KRYTEN:
Er, yes, sir?

COUNSELLOR:
Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring back to life again?

KRYTEN:
You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little robots!

COUNSELLOR:
'Teenty little robots'?

KRYTEN:
And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!

COUNSELLOR:
Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten?

KRYTEN checks, as instructed.

COUNSELLOR:
It is still screwed down, isn't it?

KRYTEN:
Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR:
With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?

KRYTEN shakes the chair, which doesn't move.

KRYTEN:
Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR:
Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do?

KRYTEN:
Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things: washing, cleaning, ironing.

COUNSELLOR:
Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?

KRYTEN:
Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.

COUNSELLOR:
Mister Lister..?

COUNSELLOR shuffles a few papers, looking for references to the name.

KRYTEN:
He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud! I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very fine hair cut!"

KRYTEN laughs heartily, either as part of his example, or, perhaps, as a result of it. The COUNSELLOR catches on and laughs along for safety.

COUNSELLOR:
You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity, even though I say so myself!" I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us"; happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!", and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with rudimentary mindless violence:

KRYTEN abruptly lets out a yell and thumps a fist down over the COUNSELLOR's hand, who grimaces before again attempting to play along with the mechanoid in the usual, easy-going psychiatric manner.

KRYTEN:
That's a newie.

COUNSELLOR nods in solicitous agreement, then begins making notes on his clipboard as KRYTEN prattles on.

KRYTEN:
I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing.

(He works his facial servos diligently, yet all he achieves is to produce a series of disjointed grimaces, scowls and less obvious spasms. The COUNSELLOR watches, bemused

KRYTEN:
As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

COUNSELLOR checks his notes.

COUNSELLOR:
What is your relationship with Lister?

KRYTEN:
I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd probably be normal.

COUNSELLOR:
I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?

COUNSELLOR rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend: "RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS"


51 - CGI/Model / live action composite

RIMMER enters a large, open bay within Red Dwarf.


52 - Int. Starbug wreckage

RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and picks his way through the charred debris. He searches loops of charred cabling until he discovers the remains of a set of computer terminals. He ejects a disk from one of them.

RIMMER:
Yes!

RIMMER slips the disk into a thigh pocket and, in glancing down, notices something on the floor. He retrieves two small vials, one containing blue liquid, the other red, and holds them up to examine the labels printed on each stopper

RIMMER:
"Luck virus"; "Sexual Magnetism"?

RIMMER presses a stud on his wristwatch and activates HOLLY.

RIMMER:
Holyy, what's this?

HOLLY:
Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.

RIMMER stares into the depths of the red liquid, thinking of the possibilities

RIMMER:
Sexual magnetism!

HOLLY:
You gonna use it?

RIMMER:
Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it works.

He unscrews the stopper and holds up the vial

RIMMER:
Well, bottoms up!

He takes a sip of the liquid - from his expression its not unpleasant, though obviously not what he expected.

RIMMER:
Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!

He laughs to himself, re-fastens the vial and runs off. A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"


53 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf

RIMMER saunters through a corridor in the crew section. Three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS appear, talking between themselves in the corner of the corridor, which curves at a right-angle at that point to lead further through the crew section. At soon as RIMMER approaches, they break off their conversation and eye him closely as he walks by, smiling. He inclines his head politely.

WOMEN:
Hi, Arn...

RIMMER's eyebrows climb in pleasant surprise as he quickly turns away to proceed along the corridor, a swagger to his step. The women pass murmured comments between themselves as they watch him depart. RIMMER approaches two more WOMEN further along the corridor and smiles broadly

RIMMER:
Ladies!

WOMEN:
Hi, Arnold...

RIMMER can barely contain himself as he walks on by, the five WOMEN eyeing him appreciatively as he goes.

RIMMER:
The world loves a bastard!

Caption: "TO BE CONTINUED..."


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton), Kika Mirylees (CMO), Andy Taylor (Andy Taylor)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 18th February 1999

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly