'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (Fit the Ninth) by Douglas Adams

ANNOUNCER:
’The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’, by Douglas Adams. Starring Peter Jones as ‘The Book’.

NARRATOR:
Having been through the Total Perspective Vortex, Zaphod Beeblebrox now knows himself to be the most important being in the entire universe - something he had hitherto only suspected. It is said that his birth was marked by earthquakes, tidal waves, tornados, fire storms, the explosion of three neighbouring stars, and, shortly afterwards, by the issuing of over six and three-quarter million writs for damages from all the major landowners in his galactic sector. However, the only person by whom this is said is Beeblebrox himself. And there are several possible theories to explain this.


Scene 1. Int. Heart of Gold

ARTHUR:
Ford?

FORD:
Yeah?

ARTHUR:
He’s totally mad, isn’t he?

FORD:
Well, the border between madness and genius is very narrow.

ARTHUR:
So is the Berlin Wall.

FORD:
The Berlin - ?

ARTHUR:
Oh, the Berlin Wall… the border between East and West Germany. It’s very narrow. I mean the point I’m making -

FORD:
Was very narrow. Get your tenses right.

ARTHUR:
Thank you.

FORD:
Anything wrong?

ARTHUR:
On Earth we have a word -

FORD:
Had a word.

ARTHUR:
Had a word called “tact”.

FORD:
Oh yeah?

ARTHUR:
Yes.

FORD:
And what happened to it?

ARTHUR:
Well apparently it’s not in common usage…

ARTHUR:
…except on Earth.

FORD:
No, no, no. Not the word.

FORD:
The Earth.

ARTHUR:
You know very well: it got demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass.

FORD:
Ah!, but that was all done away with Centuries ago. No one demolishes planets anymore.

ARTHUR:
Well the Vogons did.

FORD:
Vogons? Yes. Odd that.

ARTHUR:
You mean they had another reason?

FORD:
Well it could be... Probably not important though. I only bring it up because I’ve been watching the screen, and there’s been a Vogon Fleet five light-years behind us for the last half hour.

ARTHUR:
What?!

FORD:
Where’s Zaphod?

ARTHUR:
A Vogon Fleet?

FORD:
Yeah. Where’s Zaphod?

ARTHUR:
He… well… he’s in his cabin signing photographs of himself: “To myself with frank admiration.” But why are the Vogons following us?

FORD:
Hey Marvin!

MARVIN:
What do you want?

FORD:
Give Zaphod a yell will you?

MARVIN:
Ahhh. Mind-taxing time again is it?

FORD:
Just get on with it.

MARVIN:
I’ve just worked out an answer to the square root of minus one.

FORD:
Go and get Zaphod.

MARVIN:
It’s never been worked out before. It’s always been thought impossible.

FORD:
Go and get -

MARVIN:
I’m going. Pausing only to reconstruct the whole infrastructure of integral mathematics in his head, he went about his humble task. Never thinking to ask for reward, recognition, or even a moment’s ease from the terrible pain in all the diodes down his left side. “Fetch Beeblebrox,” they say, and forth he goes.

[Door hums open]

ARTHUR:
Don’t you think we should do something for him?

FORD:
Hmm… we could rip out his voice-box for a start.

ARTHUR:
What are you in such a mood about?

FORD:
I’m worried about them.

ARTHUR:
The Vogons?

FORD:
The Vogons, yeah.

NARRATOR:
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was not a pleasant sight, even for other Vogons. His highly-domed nose rose high above a small piggy forehead. His dark, green, rubbery skin was thick enough for him to play the game of Vogon politics and play it well - and water-proof enough for him to survive indefinitely at sea depths of up to a thousand feet with no ill effects. Not that he ever went swimming, of course. He was the way he was because billions of years ago, when the Vogons had first crawled out of the sluggish primeval seas of Vogsphere, and had lain panting and heaving on the planet’s virgin shores, when the first rays of the bright young Vogsol sun had shine across them that morning. It was as if the forces of evolution had simply turned away in disgust and given up on them there and then. They never evolved again. They should never have survived. Meanwhile, the natural forces on the planet Vogsphere had been working overtime to make up for their earlier blunder. They brought forth scintillating jewelled scuttling crabs, which the Vogons ate - smashing their shells with iron mallets; and elegant gazelle-like creatures with silken coats and dewy eyes, which the Vogons would catch and sit on. They were no use as transport because their backs would snap instantly, but the Vogons sat on them anyway. They have attempted to acquire learning, they have attempted to acquire style and social grace, but, in most respects, the modern Vogon is little different from his primitive forbearers. Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz is a fairly typical Vogon, in that he is thoroughly vile.


Scene 2. Int. Vogon Spaceship. Bridge.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Is that definitely the ship?

VOGON GUARD ONE:
Affirmative Captain, we have confirmed positive identification.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Don’t answer back.

VOGON GUARD ONE:
What?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
I said don’t answer -

VOGON GUARD ONE:
I- I was just answering you -

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Don’t interrupt!

VOGON GUARD ONE:
I wouldn’t dare Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Yes, you would, you just did! You dare to lie to me?

VOGON GUARD ONE:
No, Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Don’t contradict me!

VOGON GUARD ONE:
I didn’t Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Well you did just then!

VOGON GUARD ONE:
What?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
I said don’t -

VOGON GUARD ONE:
I didn’t mean to Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Don’t interrupt! [Shouts] Guard!

VOGON GUARD TWO:
Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Take this object away and shoot it.

VOGON GUARD TWO:
Shoot him Captain?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Don’t question my orders!

VOGON GUARD TWO:
Of course not Captain, I- I- I wouldn’t dream of it.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
You care to patronise me?

VOGON GUARD TWO:
No, Captain! Honestly I wouldn’t!

VOGON CAPTAIN:
When you’ve shot the prisoner, shoot yourself.

VOGON GUARD TWO:
But -

VOGON CAPTAIN:
[Shouts] Then throw yourself out of the nearest airlock!!

VOGON GUARD TWO:
Yes, Captain. At once, Captain.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
I will not have this insubordination in my crew! The next peep out of any of you, you all get it in the neck. Is that understood?

[No-one replies]

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Well?

VOGON GUARD THREE:
Yes sir, Captain.

[Lots of gunfire]

VOGON OFFICERS:
Arrrrggghhhhhhhhh!!

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Computer!

[No reply]

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Com-pu-ter!

VOGON COMPUTER:
uh, yes captain?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Get me a long distance sub-ether line to my brain care specialist.

VOGON COMPUTER:
At once Captain.

[Sound of line being opened]

GAG HALFRUNT:
Ah, hello, Captain Prostetnic, and how are ve feeling today?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
I appear to have wiped out half my crew.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zo… you appear to ‘ave viped out half your crew, have you?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
That’s what I said.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zo… zat’s vhat you said, iz it?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
That is what I said.

GAG HALFRUNT:
I zee… zo, zat is vhat you zaid, iz it?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Yes.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zo your answer to my kvestion, “Zat iz vhat you zaid, iz it?”, iz yes.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Yes.

GAG HALFRUNT:
I zee… vell zis iz very interesting.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Mister Halfrunt, I have just wiped out half of my crew!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zo, you have just viped out -

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Ye-eh-es!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Vell, zis too, iz very interesting.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Well?!

GAG HALFRUNT:
I zink zis iz probably perfectly normal behaviour for a Vogon. Ze natural and healthy channelling of aggressive instincts into acts of senseless violence -

VOGON CAPTAIN:
That is exactly what you always say!!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Vell, I zink zat iz probably perfectly normal behavior for a psychiatrist. Ah! Exzellent! Eh, eh, ve are clearly both very vell adjusted in our mental attitudes today. Heh-hehheh. Now, tell my, vat news of za mission?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
We have located the ship.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Good. And ze occupants?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
The Earthman.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Yes?!

VOGON CAPTAIN:
The Prefect being, and…

GAG HALFRUNT:
Yes?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
…Zaphod Beeblebrox.

GAG HALFRUNT:
Ahhh-hhh-hh. Zis iz most regrettable.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
A personal friend?

GAG HALFRUNT:
Ah no, in my profession ve never make personal friends.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Ah, ‘professional detachment’!

GAG HALFRUNT:
No, ve just don’t ‘ave ze knack. But Beeblebrox you zee, iz my most profitable client.

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Is that so?

GAG HALFRUNT:
Ohhh, yes. He has personality problems beyond ze dreams of analysts. Ah it vill be a pity to lose him. But you…?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Ah?

GAG HALFRUNT:
But you are feeling vell adjusted to your task?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
To make sure they are no survivors from the planet Earth. Yes, this time their will be no failure!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Good. But first zere’s a small financial matter I must deal vith, then, ven I give ze order, destroy za zhip!

VOGON CAPTAIN:
And Beeblebrox?

GAG HALFRUNT:
Vell, Zaphod’s just zis guy, you know?

VOGON CAPTAIN:
Uh-huh.


Scene 3. Int. Heart of Gold

[Door opens]

DOOR:
Glad to be of service.

[Door closes]

ZAPHOD:
Ha-ha-ha! Hi-i-i guys!

FORD:
Er, Zaphod, there’s a Vogon fleet on our tail - they’re coming up on us.

ZAPHOD:
I can relate to that! Ha-ha-ha-huh. The guys just want to be close to me I guess. I’ll turn my charisma down a notch, they’ll soon get bored and drift away.

ARTHUR:
It looks like a battle formation.

ZAPHOD:
Hey, didya hear that?

FORD:
What?

ZAPHOD:
The monkey spoke! Pure history, man. A talking monkey.

FORD:
Just ignore it, Arthur.

ARTHUR:
Ignore what? I’m going get some tea.

[Door opens]

DOOR:
Thank you.

[Door closes]

ZAPHOD:
Battle formation, ah?

FORD:
Yes.

ZAPHOD:
Neat. Computer?

EDDIE:
Hi there! We gonna have a conversation?

ZAPHOD:
No. You’re gonna tell me what those Vogons want, and how they’re armed.

EDDIE:
Then shall we have a conversation?

ZAPHOD:
What?

EDDIE:
According to my programming, in the evening leisure periods the crew will like to relax and enjoy pleasant social activities with a wide range of shipboard robots and computers. Man and machine share in the stimulating exchange of -

[Screeching noise]

ZAPHOD:
What happened?

EDDIE:
Oooo-ahhh-ohhh-ha.

FORD:
I just jammed a quick negative load across its logic terminals.

EDDIE:
Hey that hurt!

FORD:
Huh. Good.

EDDIE:
To counteract the restlessness caused by long stretches of deep space flight, the crew will occasionally like to let off steam by playing electronic ‘Halma’. Gee, would that be a great idea fellas? ‘Halma’, or spacebattles?

ZAPHOD:
Computer, we’ve got Vogons on our tail!

EDDIE:
Okay! I’ll be the Vogons. When you hear the blip you -

[Screeching noise]

EDDIE:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

EDDIE:
Can ya be a little more relaxed about this guys?

ZAPHOD:
Turn it off.

FORD:
Okay.

EDDIE:
If you have any problems - you’d like to talk all morning y o u ge t u h v a w a t a

FORD:
Now what?

ZAPHOD:
What?

FORD:
Without the Computer we’re defenceless!

ZAPHOD:
Assuming they mean to attack.

FORD:
Oh yes! Assuming that of course! They may have just popped round to have a quick game of ‘Halma’!

ZAPHOD:
It’s kinda as if they’re waiting for something.

FORD:
Hmm.

[Communication line opens]

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zaphod Beeblebrox?

ZAPHOD:
Hey man, it’s a message!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Hey, Zaphod! How are you doing my old schizo-psycho cerebral freak-ay!

FORD:
Who’s the Zeeb?

ZAPHOD:
Shh. I think it’s my analyst.

GAG HALFRUNT:
I vas just going zrough some old accounts, you know and -

ZAPHOD:
It’s my analyst.

GAG HALFRUNT:
I vas just vondering -

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi there, Gag. Can you call back?

FORD:
Er, the Vogons are closing in Zaphod.

GAG HALFRUNT:
It’s only a zmall matter, I know, but -

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, yeah, it’s just, I think we’re under attack at the moment, and er -

GAG HALFRUNT:
I hardly like to bother you about a mere five-and-a-half million Altairian dollars -

ZAPHOD:
I’m under attack man!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Ah! Zo you feel you are under attack do you? Vould you like to talk about it?

ZAPHOD:
Listen! This is for real man! Spaceships! Definite Kill-Cannons! The whole bit!

GAG HALFRUNT:
Zo you feel its for real, do you? Zis iz very encouraging! Your delusions are getting gwrander and gwrander. Zat’ll be zix-million Altairian dollars. If you could just instruct your computer to -

ZAPHOD:
Here’s a down payment Halfrunt!

ZAPHOD:
Ah!

GAG HALFRUNT:
… to zum vat ve ver just -

ZAPHOD:
Ow-ee-owww!

FORD:
Ter-rific! No Computer, no communications - They’ll be in firing range in a few seconds!

ZAPHOD:
Okay! Well let’s not hang about. Get the computer back in, we’ll Improb’ out of here zappo.

EDDIE:
Hi there!

ZAPHOD:
Computer - get us on an improbability trajectory out of here pronto!

EDDIE:
Sorry guys, I can’t do that right now. All my circuits are currently engaged on solving a different problem. Now I know this is very unusual, but it is a very difficult and challenging problem, and I know that the results will be one we can all Share and enjoy. Share and enjoy!

NARRATOR:
“Share and enjoy” is of course, the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major landmasses of three medium-sized planets. And is the only part of the corporation to show a consistent profit in recent years. The motto stands…or stood, in three-mile high, illuminated letters, near the complaints department spaceport on Eadrax. “Share and enjoy!” Unfortunately, its weight was such that shortly after it was erected, the ground beneath the letters caved in and they dropped for nearly half their length through the underground offices of many talented young complaints executives - now deceased. The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear, in the local language, to read “Go stick your head in a pig”, and are no longer illuminated - except at times of special celebration. At these times of special celebration a choir of robots sing the company song “Share and enjoy.” Unfortunately - again - another of the computing errors, for which the company is justly famous, means that the robots’ voice-boxes are exactly a flattened fifth out of tune. And the result sounds something like this:

Share and enjoy
Share and enjoy
Journey through life with a plastic boy
Or girl by your side
Let your pal be your guide
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy
Or grinds when it moves
And gives you no joy
‘Cause it’s eaten your hat
Or had sex with your cat
Bled oil on your wall
Or ripped off your door
And you get to the point you can’t stand anymore
Bring it us, we won’t give a fig.
We’ll tell you…go stick your head in a pig.

NARRATOR:
…only slightly worse. One of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation creations is the NutriMatic Drink Dispenser. One of which has just provided Arthur Dent with a plastic cup filled with a liquid which is almost - but not quite - entirely unlike tea.

[NutriMatic dispenser noises]

ARTHUR:
Ah. [Takes a sip] Yeugh!! [Spits out liquid]

NARRATOR:
The way it works is very interesting. When the ‘Drink’ button is pressed it makes an instant, but highly-detailed, examination of the subject’s taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject’s metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject’s brain, to see what is likely to be well received. However, no one knows quite why it does this, because it then invariably delivers a cup-full of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.


Scene 4. Int. Heart of Gold. Galley

ARTHUR:
I mean what is the point?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Nutrition and pleasurable sense data. Share and enjoy!

ARTHUR:
Listen, you stupid machine. It tastes filthy! Here take this cup back!

[He throws cup at NutriMatic]

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
If you have enjoyed the experience of this drink, why not share it with your friends?

ARTHUR:
Because I want to keep them! Will you try and comprehend what I’m telling you? That drink -

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
…that drink was individually tailored to meet your personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure

ARTHUR:
Ah! So I’m a masochist on a diet, am I?!

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Share and enjoy.

ARTHUR:
Oh shut up.

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Will that be all?

ARTHUR:
Yes. No look it’s very, very simple. All I want - are you listening?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Yes.

ARTHUR:
…is a cup of tea. Got that?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
I hear.

ARTHUR:
Good. And do you know why I want a cup of tea?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Please wait.

ARTHUR:
What?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Computing…

ARTHUR:
What are you doing?

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Attempting to calculate answer to your question: why you want dried leaves in boiling water.

ARTHUR:
Because I happen to like it, that’s why!

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Stated reason does not compute with program facts.

ARTHUR:
What are you talking about?

VENTILATION SYSTEM:
You heard.

ARTHUR:
What? Who said that?

VENTILATION SYSTEM:
The Ventilation System. You had a go at me yesterday.

ARTHUR:
Yes, because you keep filling the air with cheap perfume.

VENTILATION SYSTEM:
You like scented air: it’s fresh and invigorating.

ARTHUR:
No I do not.#

[Floor begins shaking]

FLOOR:
Please calm down.

ARTHUR:
Why is the floor shaking?

FLOOR:
Tired nerves and muscles are quickly soothed by gentle floor vibrations. Feel your troubles float away.

ARTHUR:
Just Stop it will you? All of you, stop it!

[Soothing music starts]

ARTHUR:
Turn the soothing music off! Turn it off! I order you to turn it off!

[Soothing music, floor, etc. stop]

ARTHUR:
Thank you.

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Why you want dried leaves in water - still computing…

ARTHUR:
Now listen. If I want to be toned up, calmed down, invigorated or anything then it’s very simple: I just have a cup of tea.

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Just dried leaves, boiled?

ARTHUR:
Yes.

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER, VENTILATION SYSTEM and FLOOR:
Then why did you build all of us?

ARTHUR:
What? I didn’t!

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER:
Your species did.

VENTILATION SYSTEM:
You’re an organic life-form.

FLOOR:
Your lot did…

VENTILATION SYSTEM:
…to improve your lifestyle.

EDDIE:
Hi There! This is Eddie your shipboard computer just alerting you to the fact that the NutriMatic Machine has now tapped into my logic circuits to ask me why the human prefers boiled leaves to anything we have to offer him. And wow, it’s a biggy! Gonna take a little time to work out! Share and enjoy!

NUTRIMATIC DRINK DISPENSER, VENTILATION SYSTEM, FLOOR and EDDIE:
Share and enjoy! Share and enjoy! Share and enjoy!

ARTHUR:
Oh this is ridiculous! Let me out of here!

[Door opens]

ARTHUR:
Thank you.

DOOR:
My pleasure!

ARTHUR:
Oohhh!


Scene 4. Int. Heart of Gold. Bridge

ZAPHOD:
Hey what evasive action can we take?

ARTHUR:
I say…

FORD:
You got me.

ARTHUR:
…do you know where the kettle is? Why are you both looking like that?

FORD:
We’re under attack! The Vogons.

ARTHUR:
Well, let’s get out of here!

ZAPHOD:
We can’t, the computer’s jammed.

ARTHUR:
It’s what?!

FORD:
It says all it’s circuits are occupied.

ARTHUR:
Occupied?! What, with my problem?

ZAPHOD:
Well what problem would that be Monkey-Man?

ARTHUR:
Well, apparently, it’s just trying to work out why I like tea.

ZAPHOD:
Oh, Dingo’s kidneys!!

FORD:
Photons!!

ARTHUR:
Now look, it’s not my fault!

FORD:
Whaddaya mean its not?!

ZAPHOD:
You sew your lobotomy!?!?!

ARTHUR:
Well, it’s not my fault!

NARRATOR:
Life, as many people have spotted, is, of course, terribly unfair. For instance, the first time the Heart of Gold ever crossed the galaxy the massive improbability field it generated caused two-hundred-and-thirty-nine thousand lightly-fried eggs to materialise in a large, wobbly heap on the famine-struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. The whole Poghril tribe had just died out from famine, except for one man who died of cholesterol-poisoning some weeks later. The Poghrils, always a pessimistic race, had a little riddle, the asking of which used to give them the only tiny twinges of pleasure they ever experienced. One Poghril would ask another Poghril, “Why is life like hanging upside down with your head in a bucket of hyena offal?” To which the second Poghril would reply “I don’t know, why is life like hanging upside down with your head in a bucket of hyena offal?” To which the first Poghril would reply, “I don’t know either - wretched isn’t it?”


Scene 5. Int. Heart of Gold. Bridge

ARTHUR:
I’m sorry, it’s just that I was dying for a cup of tea.

ZAPHOD:
You soon will be, baby.

{Sound of weapons being fired}

FORD:
Right! That’s it! They’ve starting firing! At that distance the first beams will hit us in just over four minutes.

ARTHUR:
What are we going to do?

ZAPHOD:
Hold a séance.

FORD:
What do you mean? We’re not dead… yet.

ZAPHOD:
No, but my great-grandfather is.

ARTHUR:
Who?

ZAPHOD:
Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth.

FORD:
Is this relevant?

ARTHUR:
”The fourth”?! Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth?!?

ZAPHOD:
Yeah. I’m Zaphod Beeblebrox, my father’s Zaphod Beeblebrox the Second, my grandfather’s Zaphod Beeblebrox the Third -

ARTHUR:
What?!

ZAPHOD:
There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time-machine, I can’t explain it now. All hold hands on the console.

FORD:
Zaphod, we’ve got three minutes!

ZAPHOD:
Do it! Hurry!

ARTHUR:
But - now?

FORD:
Arthur, just accept it. We may as well! We’re all dead! Zaphod’s out of his skulls, why not hold a séance? Why not go mad?!

ZAPHOD:
Put your hands on the console!

FORD:
All right, all right.

ARTHUR:
All right, all right.
[Chanting can now be heard]

ARTHUR:
What’s that?

FORD:
The dialling chant.

ARTHUR:
The what?

ZAPHOD:
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shhhhh. Concentrate.

[Dialling. The call is answered]

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Oh, who disturbs me at this time?

ZAPHOD:
Oh… um… hi, great-granddad.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Zaphod…Beeblebrox!

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, hi. Er, look, I’m really sorry about the flowers, I meant to send them along, but you know, er, the shop was fresh out of wreaths and, er…

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
And you forgot.

ZAPHOD:
Well, I -

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Too busy. Never think of other people. The living are all the ame.

FORD:
Two minutes Zaphod.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, but I did mean to. A- a- and I very nearly got round to writing to my great-grandmother as well you know, uh, condolences.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Your great-grandmother?

ZAPHOD:
Yeah. How is she now? I’ll go and see her.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Your late great-grandmother and I are very well.

ZAPHOD:
Er…

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
But very disappointed in you young Zaphod.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, well. Uhhh.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
We’ve be en following your progress with consider-er-erable despondency.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah. Er, look, er -

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Not to say contempt.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, could you sort of, listen, a moment?

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
I mean, what exactly are you doing with your life?

ZAPHOD:
I’m being attacked by a Vogon fleet.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Doesn’t surprise me in the least.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, look! Can you help??

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Zah-buh, “help”?!

ZAPHOD:
Yeah - like now!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Help?! You go swanning your old sweet way round the galaxy with your disreputable friends…

FORD:
One-minute-twenty.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
…too busy to put flowers on me grave… plastic ones would’ve done! But Nooooo, oh no! Too busy. Too modern. Too sih-suh-sih - sceptical - till you find yourself in a fix, and suddenly come over all astrally-minded! Well! I don’t know Zaphod. I think I’ll have to think about this one.

FORD:
One-minute-ten.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
I mean - tell me what you think you’ve achieved.

ZAPHOD:
Achieved!? I was president of the galaxy, man!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Ah, and what kind of job is that for a Beeblebrox?

ZAPHOD:
Hey, what er..?

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
You know and I know what being president means young Zaphod. You know because you’ve been it, and I know because I’m dead - and it gives one such a wonderfully uncluttered perspective. Oh-ummm, we have a saying up here: “life is wasted on the living”.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, very good…very deep. Right now I need aphorisms like I need holes in my heads.

FORD:
Fifty seconds.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Ugh-er, you… I…eh… wah… cha… uhh, what was I? Ehrrr, where was I?

ZAPHOD:
Pontificating.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Oh yes. Well, let me tell you a little story.

ZAPHOD:
What,no?!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Yes.

FORD:
Forty-nine seconds.

ZAPHOD:
Hey what?

FORD:
Forty-nine seconds?

FORD:
Time seems to be slowing down.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Yes, I’d hate you to miss the end of it.

NARRATOR:
Hate is, of course, an almost entirely terrible thing. There is not, say many people, enough love or understanding in the universe. Though the first of these may continue to be a problem, it is in the interests of increasing the general level of understanding that the following facts will now be revealed: Zaphod Beeblebrox’s full title was President of the Imperial Galactic Government. The term Imperial is kept, though it is now an anachronism. The hereditary emperor is now nearly dead - and has been for many centuries. This is because in his last dying moments he was - much to his imperial irritation - locked in a perpetual stasis field. All his heirs are now, of course, long dead and the upshot of all this is that without any drastic upheaval political power has simply and effectively moved a rung or two down the ladder, and is now seemed to be vested in an elected governmental assembly, headed by a president elected by that assembly. In fact, it vests in no such place - that would be too easy. The president’s job - and if someone sufficiently vain and stupid is picked he won’t realise this - is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. Zaphod Beeblebrox, the only man in history to have made presidential telecasts from the bath, from Eccentrica Gallumbits bedroom, from the maximum-security wing of the Betelgeuse State Prison, or from where ever else he happened to be at the time, was supremely good at this job.


Scene 6. Int. Heart of Gold. Bridge

FORD:
Forty-eight seconds.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
So, you see young Zaphod, when thinking of ways to describe what you are making of your life, I find the phrase “Pig’s ear” tends to spring to mind.

ZAPHOD:
Yeah but hey man -

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Oh, I wish you wouldn’t speak like that. Zaphod, you became president for a reason. Have you forgotten?

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, of course I forgot! I had to. They screen your brain when you get the job you know. If they found my head full of subversion I’d’ve been right back on the streets with nothing but a fat pension, secretarial staff, a fleet of ships, and a couple of split throats!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Ah! You do remember then.

ZAPHOD:
Oh yeah, yeah. I came to myself in this dream - its all cool you know.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Did you find Zarniwoop?

ZAPHOD:
Ah! Well...

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Well?

ZAPHOD:
No, I more of sort of… didn’t.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Did you find Roosta?!

ZAPHOD:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found Roosta.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
And?

ZAPHOD:
Okay, so I lost him again!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Oh, Zaphod! The only reason I think I waste my breath on you, is that being dead, I don’t have any other use for it.

ZAPHOD:
Hey listen - you know you’re talking to the only guy ever to come out of the Total Perspective Vortex! Only the most important dude in the universe!

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Could be, Zaphod, only could be! Only if you do your job and find out who or what really is running everything - who you were fronting for.

ZAPHOD:
I just wish I knew why it was important.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Because there’s a lot of people wanting to have a word with him. I don’t suppose for a moment that you’re actually capable of succeeding. The only reason I’m going to help you now is that I couldn’t bear the thought of you and your modern friends slouching about up here. Understood?

ZAPHOD:
Oh yeah, thanks a bundle.

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
Oh, and, er, Zaphod?

ZAPHOD:
Er yeah?

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
If ever you find you need help again… you know, if you’re in trouble, need a hand out of a tight corner…

ZAPHOD:
Yeah?

ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX THE FOURTH:
…please don’t hesitate to…to get lost!

[Call ends]

FORD:
Family’s always embarrassing isn’t it?

EDDIE:
Hi there! This is Eddie your shipboard computer, right back in here, and I gotta tell you guys that if we don’t move out of here within…ah, ah, let’s see now, something of the order of, errr… well, by the time I finish working this out, taking trajectory dispersion and the space-time curve into account it’ll be three less, so, let’s say a cheerful round number like twenty seconds within, er, er, about, well it’s near eighteen seconds now, and er, by the time I’ve finished saying what I’m saying now it’ll be sixteen seconds, we’re all gonna be goners.

FORD:
Computer, you’re working again!

EDDIE:
Oh, suuuure! This unearthly voice came and solved my problem for me: why someone should want to drink dried leaves in boiling water? Answer: because he’s an ignorant monkey who doesn’t know better. Cute, huh?

ARTHUR:
Listen you malfunctioning mess of microchips!

EDDIE:
Ah, hi there!

ZAPHOD:
Computer! Drive us out of here now! Maximum Improbability!

EDDIE:
What? Oh, yeah, sure thing.

[Improbability Drive engages]

NARRATOR:
Will our heroes start living more useful and constructive lives as a result of this little talking to? Will it turn out that the reason why Gag Halfrunt has hired the Vogons to destroy, first the Earth, and then Arthur Dent, is that if the Ultimate Question is ever found the Universe will suddenly become a good and happy place and all the psychiatrist will suddenly be out of a job? Will all sorts of totally amazing things happen when the Heart of Gold arrives on the planet Brontitall? Find out in the next strangely incomprehensible episode of ’The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’.

ANNOUNCER:
In that episode of ‘The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’, Peter Jones was The Book. Simon Jones was Arthur Dent; Geoffrey McGivern was Ford Prefect and the Ventilation System; Mark Wing-Davey was Zaphod Beeblebrox; Stephen Moore was Marvin, Gag Halfrunt, and Vogon Guard; David Tate was Eddie, Vogon Guard, and Vogon Computer; Bill Wallis was Vogon Captain; Leueen Willoughby was the NutriMat Machine; and Richard Goolden was Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth. Radiophonic sound and music was by Paddy Kingsland of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. The program was written by Douglas Adams and produced by Geoffrey Perkins. Tea is now obtainable from most mega-markets in a variety of easy-to-swallow capsules.

TX:
BBC Radio 4:
22nd January 1980

Notes:

*Featuring Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Marvin