'Stoke Me A Clipper' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

Pre-titles teaser.

An old, propeller-driven transport plane in flight.


2.Int. Aeroplane. Day.

CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking a large alligator which lays across his lap.

CAPTAIN:
Where is the girl?

GESTAPO OFFICER:
In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain.

CAPTAIN:
Good. And the erstwhile protector?

GESTAPO OFFICER:
In ze cargo hold.

CAPTAIN:
Excellent.

As he finishes speaking, the curtained cockpit partition parts and a man looking like RIMMER steps through. He is dressed in a flashy silver flight-suit over a pale turtleneck top, and sports a dashingly blow-dried haircut. At his appearance, the Gestapo officer trains his pistol on him, and the Captain's face twitches convulsively. Unconcerned, the man lights up a cigar and blows out smoke.

CAPTAIN:
Ahhh, Ace Rimmer.might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?

The CAPTAIN directs a withering look at the Gestapo officer.

ACE:
Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the Princess Bonjella.

CAPTAIN:
You're insane, Rimmer. You're out-manned and outgunned.

ACE:
You expect me to concede?

CAPTAIN:
No Mister RIMMER, I expect you to die!

The CAPTAIN's alligator chooses this moment to punctuate it's master's threat with a throaty roar.

CAPTAIN:
Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to him... then... throw him out of the plane.

GESTAPO OFFICER:
(Gesturing with pistol) Out!

Springing into action, ACE steals the gun from the Gestapo officer and throws a right hook, knocking the man out. The pilot turns in his seat, also armed, but receives a bullet before he even takes aim. He collapses and the plane begins to dive. The captain suddenly throws the alligator at ACE who falls back into the main body of the plane. ACE wrestles with the reptile, losing his gun out of the open fuselage doors. We see the plane diving, out of control, and return to the cockpit as the CAPTAIN calmly sets light to the fuse of a taped batch of dynamite.


3.Int. Fuselage. Day

ACE:
RIMMER present, struggling with the alligator. Enter CAPTAIN, wearing a parachute.

CAPTAIN:
Ahh, Mister Rimmer.sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got to blow.

The Captain indicates the sticks of dynamite whose fuse fizzles dangerously.

CAPTAIN:
Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy?

He tosses the dynamite beyond ACE's reach and jumps out of the plane, we see him fall happily away from ACE, his nemesis.

ACE:
What I would give for a gun.

The alligator lets rip a roar inches from his face.

ACE:
Or a bottle of Listerine!

With the dynamite dangerously close to exploding, ACE, still struggling with the alligator, manages to snatch up a coiled length of rope, before he manoeuvres himself and the alligator out of the plane.


4.Ext. Free-fall. Day

ADO: The camera tracks the CAPTAIN in close-up as he falls from the plane, before switching to ACE as he manages to loop the rope around the alligator's neck. Cut back to the CAPTAIN, and over his shoulder we see the doomed plane explode as the dynamite detonates.

CAPTAIN:
Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!

The CAPTAIN glances back over his shoulder, then does a double take. Cut to ACE, now riding alligator like a surfboard, one had holding the rope leash and steering the reptile.

CAPTAIN:
fires several shots at ACE.who steers the alligator's mouth to fasten around the CAPTAIN’s head. ACE reaches down and pulls the CAPTAIN's gun from limp fingers, and unclips the despicable man's parachute. The CAPTAIN and his alligator drop out of shot while ACE slips the straps of the empty chute around his body and buckles in.

ACE:
See you later alligator!

Triumphantly, ACE pulls the ripcord and his parachute blossoms above him, taking him swiftly down to the ground.


5.OB. Ground level in a German base. Day.

We see an open-air yard, somewhere within the base. A firing squad has been lined up, some distance from a woman in a flowing red dress who is tied to a wooden post with chains. An officer stands to the right of the firing line, shouting commands to the gunners. As the officer gives the command to fire, we cut to ACE descending from the sky. ACE pulls out his stolen gun and shoots the officer, then quickly picks off half of the firing squad.taking a bullet to the chest in the process.

ACE:
This is my best top, damn it!

ACE:
quickly finishes off the remaining members of the firing squad, then unclips the parachute and drops some distance to the ground, crashing through the wooden roof of a supply storehouse. Armed soldiers gather before the door, and upon a barked command, blast round upon round into the building, peppering the wooden doors with bullet holes. The officer barks a command to stop and the firing ceases. They wait, the officer wearing a smug smile. Suddenly, the doors burst open as ACE powers out, unhurt, on a motorcycle. The soldiers scatter as ACE barrels straight towards the woman. He takes aim with the pistol and, fearing again for her life, the woman turns her head away as much as she can. Dodging bullets, ACE looses off two well-aimed shots, ripping through the Princess's chains, which fall to the ground. He screeches to a halt beside the Princess.

ACE:
Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later,and, hopefully, some sex.

PRINCESS:
(Overjoyed) What a guy!

The PRINCESS seats herself behind ACE, who zooms away, dodging yet more bullets fired after them. ACE fires a few more shots before his pistol clicks empty. He tosses it away.

ACE:
Hold on, Princess!

PRINCESS:
Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!

Close-up of a unit mounted over the bike's handlebars.

ACE:
presses a red button on the unit and fire spurts from the bike's exhausts, launching it off the ground and enabling it to clear the top of the high perimeter wall. ACE's unprepared pursuer unwittingly drives his bike right through the wall, demolishing it and detonating his bike's fuel tank.

ACE:
Bet he's a sour Kraut.

As ACE's motorbike rises to unfeasible heights, we cut back to the base, where two German soldier run into shot and stare after the rapidly departing hero.

GERMAN SOLDIER #1:
Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommenist!
(Subtitles:) He got away! I can't believe he got away!

GERMAN SOLDIER #2:
Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind!
(Subtitles:) That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!

Suddenly, the forgotten alligator drops solidly out of the sky, flattening both soldiers where they stand. A third soldier runs up to his fellows, glancing down at them before looking skyward.

Cut to a view of the blue sky, where ACE has miraculously coaxed his rocket bike's exhaust smoke to sky-write ‘Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast’ in flowing script.

GERMAN SOLDIER #3:
Was fuer ein Kerl!
(Subtitles:) What a guy!

TITLE SEQUENCE


6.Model/CGI shot.

Deep space. Starbug flies past a ringed planet.


7.Int. Starbug. Day.

KRYTEN and LISTER are present. They are walking through Starbug's dreary, metal corridors.

KRYTEN:
I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir.

KRYTEN and LISTER step through hatchway.

LISTER:
I'm a man, Kryten, with a man's urges, and a man's desires.

LISTER:
goes OOV.

KRYTEN:
taps a wall panel before walking OOV and the hatchway door slides closed. It is marked ‘Artificial Reality Suite’.


8.AR Suite.

KRYTEN:
, LISTER in a small, roughly cubic room featuring computer panels on the walls and a large mechanical seating contraption in its centre - like the Red Dwarf TIV room hallucinated by the crew in 'Back To Reality'.

KRYTEN and LISTER take seats in the AR machine and LISTER begins to remove his shoes.

KRYTEN:
Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir?

LISTER:
I've used up this year's water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was looking at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this my libido's gonna cause a drought.

The AR unit's headset whirrs down over LISTER's face.

KRYTEN:
You think this is the answer?


9.OB. A field in the AR game.

KRYTEN and LISTER walk toward camera across a large field backed by trees and shrubs, the sun shining in clear skies. LISTER is dressed in antique chainmail and black surcoat like that of a knight, while KRYTEN wears the clothes of a squire. KRYTEN carries a small red book in his hand.

LISTER:
Look, I know how it may look from the outside -

KRYTEN:
Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, and seducing the Queen of Camelot? Words fail me. It's quite the most unchivalrous thing I've ever heard in my life!

LISTER:
Are you my faithful manservant or what?

KRYTEN:
I'm ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mister Rimmer’s soup.


10.OB. A tourney at Camelot within the AR game.

In the grounds of a castle, a large pavilion has been set up, in which are seated the King and Queen of Camelot. Peasants mill in front of the pavilion, alongside soldiers and horses.

The KING, QUEEN and spectators present. A fanfare is trumpeted. Enter LISTER, KRYTEN.

KING:
(Addressing the crowd.) Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that dare challenge the King's best knight?

Enter KING'S KNIGHT. Cheers rise from the crowd, and the KNIGHT raises a hand in acknowledgement.

LISTER:
I do, sir!

KING:
And you are, sir?

LISTER:
Lister, of Smeg.

KING:
Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... 'Lister of Smeg'?

KING'S KNIGHT:
I do, my King.

KING:
And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?

KING'S KNIGHT:
I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough.

Cheers from the crowd and the KNIGHT holds up a hand modestly.

KING:
And you... 'Lister of Smeg', what prize do you claim if you should defeat my best knight?

LISTER:
I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady...

Shouts of outrage from the spectators.

KING:
'A night and a day in the bed of my good lady'?

QUEEN:
(She stands, and speaks with a French accent) We accept ze challenge...

KING:
Do we?

QUEEN:
Oui, we do.

In the pavilion, the KING stands to consult with the QUEEN.

KING:
My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private...

QUEEN:
Do you not 'ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where 'e stands?

KING:
I do! Sort of.

QUEEN:
Zen we accept.

KING:
(Still looking unsure) Good knight. Bring me this knave's manhood on a silver platter…

LISTER:
'Ey, steady!

KING:
...then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!

Cheers from the crowd once more.

LISTER:
This is worse than playing away at Leeds!

Exit KRYTEN, LISTER, KING'S KNIGHT, departing to their horses.

LISTER:
climbs into his saddle as a fanfare is blown.

QUEEN:
When mah lace 'ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall commence!


11.OB. Jousting range.

LISTER:
I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr!

KRYTEN:
If I were you, Mister Galahad, sir, I'd concentrate on memorising your cheats book.

KRYTEN hands LISTER his helmet.

MONTAGE: Dramatic music plays over the sounds of the crowd. A cheer goes up as the QUEEN lets her handkerchief drop, and the two combatants square up, lower their visors, raise lances, and charge.

LISTER:
Cheat One: codeword 'steadcheat'. Haa!

As they charge, the KNIGHT’s horse suddenly transforms into a little Shetland pony. LISTER laughs, throws down his lance and, as they pass, draws a sword and lops off the KNIGHT’s head. It flies through the air and lands in the KING’s lap. He turns it around and stares at it incredulously as LISTER rides back to him and his QUEEN.


12.OB. By the pavilion.

The KING and QUEEN are present. Enter LISTER, removing his helmet.

LISTER:
I claim my prize, my lord.

Howls and shouts from the crowd as the QUEEN, smiling enigmatically, makes her way out of the pavilion to join LISTER. KRYTEN hides his face and the crowd boo and jeer as they walk off toward a tent. An anonymous voice from the crowd may, or may not, be heard to shout "You slag!".

KING:
(calling after them) You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And I swear to you: your scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed! (He holds up a solid looking key)

Cheers from the crowds.

LISTER:
Cheat Two: codeword 'chastitycheat'

The QUEEN suddenly stops walking and wiggles her hips. Something clangs to the ground beneath her dress, and she steps forward uncovering a now-unlocked metal chastity belt. LISTER leads her into the tent, and with great embarrassment, KRYTEN fussily closes the flap.

KRYTEN:
Scum! Absolute scum.

Exit KRYTEN.

KING:
If he that calls himself LISTER of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul, that tent will part this very instant…

Cut to tent, which begins shaking rhythmically.. Cut back to KING.

KING:
...and he will return to me my lady, and beg the King's forgiveness!

The tent flap opens and LISTER pokes his head out.

LISTER:
Has anybody got any whipped cream?

KING:
'Whipped cream'?


13.Ext. Deep Space.

ACE's Dimension jumping ship is streaming through space.

COMPUTER (V.O.):
Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.

ACE (V.O.):
Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.

Space around the ship warps, and the craft blurs from view.


14.OB. The AR tourney.

In the AR game, centred around the tent. KRYTEN present, outside the shaking tent, LISTER present within. Suddenly all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly vanish, leaving them alone in an empty field. LISTER is now wearing only a long undershirt and looks very disappointed.

LISTER:
Hey!! What's happening?

KRYTEN:
Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down.

LISTER and KRYTEN fade.


15.Int. AR Suite.

Sirens blare and alert lights are flashing madly. KRYTEN and LISTER remove their electrodes and sensors. Along the way, LISTER has removed his pants and has acquired an obviously designed device which fits over his groin. Mercifully out of shot, he begins to remove it as they speak.

LISTER:
The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening?

KRYTEN:
Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.


16.Int. Starbug corridor.

KRYTEN:
darts through a hatchway at the far end of the corridor and waddles speedily towards camera, heading toward the cockpit.


17.Model shot.

Starbug is caught in the midst of a rippling disturbance. The craft is being buffeted violently.


18.Int. Starbug cockpit.

CAT:
, RIMMER present. Both are attempting to coax some reaction from the many consoles and panels ranged before them while avoiding showers of sparks thrown out by the sensitive equipment. Sirens and alerts continue to throw the scene into wild illumination, and RIMMER is spraying a hand-held fire extinguisher liberally around the cockpit.

CAT:
I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's down, thrusters are down and we're heading straight for that ion storm in sector twelve!

Enter LISTER, KRYTEN, assuming stations.

RIMMER:
Morning!

KRYTEN:
What the smeeee is going on?

RIMMER:
A power drain is knocking out all the generators!

LISTER:
Cause?

CAT:
An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft dimension jumping.

KRYTEN:
Any ident details?

RIMMER:
The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it was 'Captain Smug Git' himself: 'Ace Rimmer'. Dear God, don't make it be him, I couldn't bear it.

CAT:
(Into communications microphone) This is the JMC transport ship Starbug' opening channels, please identify yourselves.

Close up of a monitor panel; camera POV of ACE, seated in his craft's cockpit.

ACE:
(Into mic) Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing, fellas?

Cut back to RIMMER, as he begins head-butting his console in despair.

CAT:
Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?

ACE:
All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.

CAT:
Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy!

RIMMER:
According to the log we're down to our last three-thousand vomit bags. It'll never be enough.


19.Model shot.

Int. The recent miraculous expansion of Starbug has left it equipped with a fully functional docking bay, which ACE's ship now occupies.


20.Int. Airlock.

LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. ACE enters.

LISTER:
Ace! Good to see ya! How're you doing?

ACE:
shakes LISTER by the hand, almost giving LISTER whiplash.

ACE:
Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know what day it is.

KRYTEN:
So, what have you been up to, sir?

ACE:
Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done.

ACE exits.

CAT:
What a guy!


21.Int. Starbug mid-section.

RIMMER:
is seated at the main table and watching ACE's arrival on a monitor screen. As he sees CAT leave the docking bay after ACE, he turns the monitor off with a voice command, a disgusted look twisting face.

RIMMER:
Off!

Enter ACE, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT.

ACE:
So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?

RIMMER:
I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with it's fellows.

CAT:
I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can Catch up! For starters you can tell me the name of your stylist!

ACE:
Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.

CAT:
preens and begins to slink towards the cockpit.

ACE:
Incidentally, it's ‘Astrocuts’, in the Theta sector, Dimension twenty-four. Ask for Alfonce.

CAT:
Yeoooowww, yeeah!

ACE:
starts to climb the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters.

ACE:
Arnie, up for a stroll?

RIMMER:
Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.

ACE:
I'll take that as a 'no', then.

Exit ACE.

LISTER:
Oh Rimmer, go with him.

RIMMER:
I don't want to.

KRYTEN:
But, sir, he wants you to.

RIMMER:
And I want him to choke to death on his own smug git-iness. We don't always get what we want.

LISTER:
But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.

RIMMER:
The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!

The others stare at RIMMER relentlessly.

RIMMER:
Oh all right. I'm going. God!

Exit RIMMER.


22.Int. Corridor outside sleeping quarters.

Enter RIMMER, ACE.

RIMMER:
Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about fifty yards down there on the right. Bye!

Exit RIMMER, through a hatch to a side corridor. ACE suddenly clutches his chest, letting out a grunt, and staggers.

RIMMER:
hears him and looks back through the hatch.

ACE:
I think.I may need some help here, Arn.


23.Int. Guest sleeping quarters.

Enter RIMMER, ACE. RIMMER drags the half-conscious ACE, slumped over his hard-light shoulder, through the hatchway, and ACE collapses onto the bed.

RIMMER:
I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as soon as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight again?

ACE:
Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I'm afraid I'm... on the way out.

RIMMER:
You're what?

ACE:
About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing privileges.

RIMMER:
You're dying?

ACE:
You've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry.

RIMMER:
You're really dying?

ACE:
pulls himself up from the bunk and leans against the far wall of the quarters.

ACE:
Arnie, I want you to become the next ‘Ace Rimmer’.

RIMMER:
laughs.

ACE:
I mean it, Arn!

RIMMER:
Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?

ACE:
The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.

RIMMER:
And you think, I'm your man?

ACE:
It's your destiny, Arnie.

RIMMER:
What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?

ACE:
You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough. You've always wanted to play the hero.

RIMMER:
I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit.

RIMMER turns and walks out.

ACE:
I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.

RIMMER:
, almost through the hatchway, stops and turns back. A sudden flash of pain causes ACE to clutch his chest and slump against the bunk.

ACE:
He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a hard light hologram, just like you.

RIMMER:
ACE is dead?

ACE:
forces himself to straighten and glares at RIMMER.

ACE:
I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.

O/S: ACE opens his jacket and sickly green light spills out, beams eerily illuminating RIMMER's shocked face.

RIMMER:
My god! What is that stuff?

ACE:
(Closing his jacket) Light bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage. Electro-magnetic radiation; I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend making love. Say, twelve hours, maybe less. After that I'll be too weak to train you.

ACE:
leans forward on a table, his eyes boring into RIMMER.

ACE:
What do you say?

A BEAT. Exit RIMMER.


24.Model/CGI shot.

Deep space..

Starbug flies by a planet.


25.Int. Medical unit.

LISTER and ACE are present. ACE sits back on the diagnosis couch while LISTER fiddles with controls and consoles.

ACE:
It's part of the legend, I'm not the first ACE, not even the second. There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.

LISTER:
We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under tables with a colander on his head.

ACE:
Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.

LISTER:
And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a spine.

ACE:
Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him.


26.Int. Starbug mid-section.

RIMMER is seated at the table, reading a book; LISTER enters.

LISTER keeps bursting into subdued laughter, obviously finding something very funny and making a bad job of trying not to show it.

RIMMER:
What is it? What's the joke?

LISTER:
Nothin', nothin'.

LISTER heads into the galley section. He starts laughing again and stifles it badly.

RIMMER:
Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something terribly amusing, clearly.

LISTER takes a can of lager from the fridge.

LISTER:
It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next Ace Rimmer…

LISTER bursts out in uncontrolled laughter.

RIMMER:
Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped at it like a shot.

LISTER:
It's just, you, y'know? The next Ace... (laughs). The very idea.

LISTER leaves RIMMER at the table and heads into the cockpit. Stung, RIMMER follows him in.

RIMMER:
It's not so ridiculous, LISTER!


27.Int. Starbug Cockpit.

Enter LISTER, taking his seat with an amused smile. RIMMER Enters.

RIMMER:
Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it.

LISTER:
Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic underachieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

RIMMER:
Well that, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong, because I've taken ACE up on his offer, and training begins... (He checks his watch) ...right now.

Exit RIMMER, leaving LISTER alone with his smile.


28.Int. AR Suite.

ACE and RIMMER are here.

ACE:
has patched himself and RIMMER into the AR machine. Each occupies one seat of the machine.


29.Ext. A mountain vista.

ACE and RIMMER are both seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily high above a snow-covered mountain range.

RIMMER:
Er, why have you brought me here?

ACE:
Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you must be to become Ace Rimmer.

RIMMER:
No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.

ACE:
Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; be the wind, Arnie. Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running free and unfettered through the mountains.

RIMMER:
Be the what?

ACE:
Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!

RIMMER's face scrunches up with effort.

ACE:
See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it?

In RIMMER's mind, a image appears of a hamster running purposefully within it's little wheel.

RIMMER:
Err, sort of.


30.Model shot .

Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet.


31.Int. ACE's Quarters.

Enter RIMMER.

RIMMER:
Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.

ACE enters, walking with effort, he slumps against the entry hatch.

ACE:
All your life you've given up.

RIMMER:
Well, maybe after more training!

ACE:
I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never.

ACE takes out a small device from his flight-suit.

RIMMER:
What's that?

ACE:
Light Bee Remote.

ACE taps a button on the Remote, and RIMMER is suddenly dressed in a shiny flight-suit like that of ACE. ACE throws the Remote onto the bunk, takes a pair of shades from his suit and hands them to RIMMER.

ACE:
If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you're me, we'll know you're ready.

ACE removes his immaculately coiffured hairpiece and hands it to a surprised RIMMER. RIMMER puts it on, backwards. ACE slumps onto the bunk.

RIMMER:
(Plaintively) But I'm not ready!

ACE:
Try it the other way around.

RIMMER turns the wig around, and slips on the shades uncomfortably. RIMMER leaves.


32.Int. Starbug Corridor.

Left to himself for a moment within the empty corridors of Starbug, RIMMER tries to get into the part of ACE RIMMER.

RIMMER:
(Thickly accented)) The name's ‘RIMMER’… (RIMMER tries to toss his hair, succeeding only in knocking his shades off his nose) Oh, this is ridiculous.

RIMMER moves to head down the corridor, and a hatchway opens up ahead, and KRYTEN enters.

KRYTEN:
Ah, Mister Ace, sir. Everything okay?

RIMMER:
(In his usual voice) What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie. (He coughs exaggeratedly, his tone changing to as close to ACE as he can)) Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine.

KRYTEN:
Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?

RIMMER:
Errr, could you be more specific?

KRYTEN:
Er, 67% more weasely.

RIMMER:
Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him.

KRYTEN:
Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of Bacofoil about six months ago; I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?

RIMMER:
Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a.Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old friend; afraid not, Catch you later.

Exit RIMMER.


33.Int. Corridors outside AR suite.

RIMMER enters, still looking uneasy, and perhaps planning to return to ACE's mountain simulation. He turns a corner and notices thick white smoke roiling around the entrance to the suite. Puzzled he begins to investigate. Suddenly, the door to the AR unit clangs open; and through the smoke, a figure walks purposefully out. We see he is dressed in the same armour and surcoat as the King's Knight from LISTER's AR game. RIMMER shrinks back against the wall, unsure of what is happening.

KING'S KNIGHT:
I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'LISTER of Smeg'.

RIMMER:
(noticing the knight's large sword) Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we?

KING'S KNIGHT:
Are you one of his household?

RIMMER:
Errr, in a manner of speaking...

KING'S KNIGHT:
Then prepare to die!

Chivalrously, the knight tosses RIMMER a sword with which to defend himself. Unprepared, RIMMER Catches it blade first and holds it awkwardly out in front of him. Without wasting any further time, the KNIGHT attacks RIMMER, and they begin to fight. For RIMMER, this involves much back-pedalling and judicious amounts of dodging, though to his credit he manages to successfully fence with the KNIGHT for a moment before being forced back against a wall.

RIMMER:
Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted muffins?

The KNIGHT dogs RIMMER relentlessly, his sword swinging and sending sparks flying from storage compartments and access ladders. After fending off another series of deadly swings, RIMMER is again subdued.

RIMMER:
Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake? Battenburg??

Again the KNIGHT presses forward his attack and RIMMER runs for his life. In the midst of his panic he finds himself at the end of a corridor which curves further into the ship. Beside him, on a shelf, is a chance of survival; a chance of life; a bazookoid. Even as the KNIGHT is almost upon him, RIMMER grabs the bazookoid, swings its barrel out in front of him and fires a blast squarely against the KNIGHT's chest, knocking him back. RIMMER cranks the loading mechanism, looses off three more shots and the KNIGHT goes down, twitching and jerking.

RIMMER:
My God! I did it!

Exit RIMMER.

Suddenly, the KNIGHT stands up. He strides over to the bazookoid used by RIMMER, picks it up and ejects its ammunition cartridge.

We see the word 'BLANK' written on the blue cartridge, which the knight temporarily places on the bazookoid's shelf, before taking out a second, red, cartridge. We see the word 'LIVE' written on the red cartridge which the KNIGHT jams into the bazookoid's ammunition chamber. He then picks up the cartridge of blanks. The KNIGHT lifts his visor; it's LISTER. LISTER

with KNIGHT's voice. So far…(He removes a small metal voice-modulation device from his mouth) …so good.


34.Int. ACE's Quarters.

ACE is laid back on the bunk in obvious discomfort.

Enter RIMMER, running and excited.

RIMMER:
I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in third from prep!

ACE:
Well done, Arnie; you've done us proud. Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for -

ACE's Light Bee crackles and hisses, and his image glows a ghastly white before fading from sight. All that remains is the dead light bee resting on the bunk. CAT, KRYTEN arrive.

CAT:
What's happenin', bro? What's happened to goalpost head?

RIMMER:
(softly) No, you don't understand. It's not me, it's him.

KRYTEN:
Sir, you're in shock. The trauma has made you speak like Mister Rimmer.

CAT:
What happened?

LISTER enters and approaches the empty bunk, sees the light bee, and picks it up.

LISTER:
Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed Rimmer.

He gestures meaningfully with the light bee in front of RIMMER's face.

LISTER:
Isn't that right, ACE?

RIMMER stares at LISTER, his expression unreadable.


35.Int. Starbug corridor.

ALL present.

LISTER:
We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y'know. It's the least he deserves.

KRYTEN:
I just can't believe it.

CAT:
Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning.

KRYTEN:
Poor Mister RIMMER. I haven't felt this wretched since Spare Head 3 told me the others held a poll, and voted me the 'big-eared, ugly one'.


36.Model/CGI shot.

Starbug flies through a ghostly illuminated nebula.


37.Int. Gantry within Starbug.

RIMMER looks up as LISTER appears.

LISTER:
Hey. Decided what you're gonna do?

RIMMER:
I thought I'd stick around here for a bit. "Get the hang of the character, as it were".

LISTER smiles at RIMMER's impersonation, gazing all the while at a metal, palm-sized device he holds in his hands. RIMMER notices it.

RIMMER:
What's that?

LISTER:
ACE asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its 'final resting place', alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He's left some more beacons behind for the ACE's that follow you.

RIMMER:
I'm getting cold feet, Listy. I'm not sure I can go through with it. Leave, I mean. Be ACE.

LISTER:
You heard what he said; it's your destiny.

RIMMER:
It's my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git?

LISTER:
Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different kind of Ace, it's up to you. Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said it might make you change your mind.


38.Room in Starbug..

The room, like all others within Starbug, is dreary, dirty and metallic, though here a podium has been set up close to one wall, and a row of chairs line another, in which the CREW sit.

KRYTEN:
present, standing at the podium. LISTER, RIMMER, CAT present, seated. The mood is solemn, and even LISTER has dressed for the occasion: he fidgets uncomfortably with the stick-on tie he wears over his T-shirt.

KRYTEN:
We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr RIMMER. On occasion he was a small-minded, bureaucratic, incompetent, cowardly little person, er, but he also had his good qualities.

CAT:
Those were his good qualities!

KRYTEN:
To say something about the finer side of his nature, I'd like to turn now to Mr Lister.

KRYTEN steps down, and he and LISTER, who obviously wasn't expecting his, exchange places.

LISTER:
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The man who kept his underpants on coat-hangers and sewed name labels into his ship-issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same. We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the Space Corps - no, no - the universe has ever known. No one ever pressed for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on his shift - well, actually, that's not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is his eulogy. He didn't have very many friends, but those that he did have were with him at the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.

(Camera pans along the seated CREW, stopping at a fourth chair upon sits RACHEL, the inflatable doll, dressed in widow's black)

LISTER:
See ya smeg 'ead.

CAT:
Later, bud.

KRYTEN:
Goodbye Mister Smeeee Heeee.

RIMMER:
(His voice cracking) Bye, Ironballs.

LISTER:
Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought him back as a hologram, to keep me sane. Never an easy task. He succeeded spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten, place First Officer Rimmer's decoration into the coffin.

KRYTEN:
Right away, sir.

KRYTEN lovingly lays the pips and insignia over the ruined light bee and closes the lid of the small unit. LISTER places it into the waste disposal unit and solemnly ejects it into space.

LISTER:
Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.

LISTER leads the others in a full single-Rimmer salute.

ALL:
First Officer Rimmer.


39.Model/CGI sequence.

Following the coffin, it whizzes through a swirling warp of some kind before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar capsules. The camera pulls back and we see that the hundred are actually millions upon millions upon billions. We pull out further and further until the billions we see are in fact a tiny piece of a huge, majestic ring of an enormous gas giant.


40.Int. Starbug cockpit.

RIMMER:
All those Rimmers...

LISTER:
They all did it. They all became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you really gonna be the one to break the chain?


41.Int. Starbug docking area.

ACE's ship sits, powered up, on the launching platform, the newly-reborn ACE RIMMER seated in the cockpit.

ALL present.

ACE:
It's been a blast, fellers.

LISTER:
Bye, man.

CAT:
Bye, dude.

KRYTEN:
Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.

ACE:
Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever.

ACE presses buttons on the ship's console in an apparent launch sequence; suddenly his chair is ejected from the craft and he lands back on the launching platform, a short distance from the CREW. Picking himself up quickly, he swaggers back to them.

ACE:
Just had to say one last goodbye!

He shakes the hands of KRYTEN and CAT, and gives LISTER a quick hug.

ACE:
Seeya, Davey boy.

LISTER:
(Grinning wryly)) Yeah, good luck, man...


42.Model/CGI shot.

Deep space. ACE RIMMER's ship sweeps across shot and away, leaving Starbug to wend its way ever onward through space.


Chris Barrie (Rimmer / Ace Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Brian Cox (King), Ken Moreley (Captain Voorhese), Sarah Alexander (Queen), John Thompson (Good Knight), Alison Senior (Princess Bonjella), Mark Carlisle (Lieutenant), Mark Lingwood (Gestapo Officer), Kai Maurer, Stephen Grothgar, Andy Gell (Soldiers), Allison (Voorhese's Crocodile), the Medieval Combat Society and the Plantagenet Medieval Archery and Combat Society

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 24th January 1997

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten