'Camille' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1 Int. Sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN and LISTER are seated at the table. There is a collection of fruit on the table between them; on the viewscreen, electronic fish are swimming.

LISTER:
(Holding up a banana) Okay, let's try again. What is it?

KRYTEN:
It's a banana.

LISTER:
No, it isn't. Try again. What is it?

KRYTEN:
It's a banana?

LISTER:
(Exasperated) No, it isn't! What is it?

KRYTEN:
It's an urrrr.... It's an urrrr....

LISTER:
It's an orange! Go on, say it. It's an orange! This! Is! An orange!

KRYTEN:
It's an orrrr... It's an orrrr... It's a banana! It's no good, sir, I just can't do it!

LISTER:
You CAN do it, I'm gonna teach you how! (Holding up an apple) Okay, what's this?

KRYTEN:
It's an ap-

LISTER:
No, no, no, what is it?

KRYTEN:
Oh, it's no good sir, I just can't lie! I'm programmed always to tell the truth.

LISTER:
Kryten, it's easy! (Holding up the apple) Look: an orange. (Holding up the orange) A melon. (Holding up the banana) A female aardvark!

KRYTEN:
Oh! Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How DO you do that? Especially calling a banana an aardvark? An aardvark isn't even a fruit! It's total genius!

LISTER:
(Beat) Let's start again.

KRYTEN:
Oh, sir, my head is spinning. We've been doing this all morning!

LISTER:
Kryten, I'm gonna teach you how to lie and cheat if it's the last thing I do. I want you to be unpleasant, cruel, and sarcastic; it's the only way to break your programming, man - make you independent!

KRYTEN:
Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant, and offensive? Those are the human qualities I admire the most! But I just can't do it.

LISTER:
You CAN!

KRYTEN:
I CAN'T!

LISTER:
(Picks up the banana again.) Look! What's this?!

KRYTEN:
No!

LISTER:
What is it?

KRYTEN:
Please!

LISTER:
Come on, what is it?

KRYTEN:
It's a b... It's a b... It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden! (He looks stunned.)

LISTER:
Yes, you did it, you did it! (Holding up the orange) What's this?

KRYTEN:
It's a red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella!

LISTER:
Kryten! Yes! (Holding up the apple) What's this?

KRYTEN:
It's an apple.

LISTER:
No! What is it?

KRYTEN:
It's a - it's a - it's, it's, it's the Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific!

LISTER:
Well, Kryten, man - you can do it!

KRYTEN:
(Proud of himself) No, I can't.

LISTER:
Yes, you - whoa, whoa, nice one!

KRYTEN:
Well, I can't hang around here; I better go away and take the penguin for a walk. I can do it! I did it again, I can lie!

LISTER:
Cat, Cat! C'mere, c'mere - check this, check this, check this!

CAT enters.

CAT:
Check what?

LISTER:
Concentrate, Kryten. What's this? (He holds up the banana.)

KRYTEN:
It's a banana.

LISTER:
(Disappointed) What's this? (He holds up the orange.)

KRYTEN:
It's an orange.

LISTER:
(Holding up the apple) What's THIS?

KRYTEN:
(Almost crying) Apple?

CAT:
You taught him that? That's terrific! You two should audition for ‘What's My Fruit’?!

LISTER:
He did it wrong, man.

CAT:
(Having fun at their expense) Oh, it gets better!

KRYTEN:
I just can't do it.

LISTER:
You CAN; you just did it!

KRYTEN:
I just can't do it, not when there's someone else there. What's a suitable human analogy? It - it's like trying to urinate in a public lavatory when you're standing next to a man two foot taller than you. It's just not possible!

CAT:
Look, what are you trying to do, exactly?

KRYTEN:
He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir.

CAT:
Any particular reason?

LISTER:
Yeah! Lyin's a vital part of your psychological defence system; you're naked without it. If you can't lie, then you can't conceal your true intentions from other people; sometimes that's essential. I mean, like, take Nelson. (He holds the banana to his eye like a telescope.) When he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships"! Or like Humphrey Bogart, at the end of ‘Casablanca’, when he lies to Victor Lazslo to protect the guy's feelings.

KRYTEN:
I understand the theory, sir. How many times have you made me watch that movie? I understand that it can be noble to lie; I just can't do it.

LISTER:
But Kryten, you CAN do it. (Waving the banana) Look, what's THIS?

KRYTEN:
It's a banana.

CAT leaves in disgust.

KRYTEN:
It always HAS been a banana, it always WILL be a banana. It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits; it's a banana!

The fish fade from the viewscreen and are replaced by RIMMER's annoyed face.

RIMMER:
(On viewscreen) Lister, have you got Kryten there with you?

LISTER:
Yeah, what's the prob?

RIMMER:
The problem is, I've been waiting fully twenty minutes for him in the hangar.

KRYTEN:
Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska! I'm supposed to take him asteroid-spotting! I'll be right down, sir!

RIMMER:
You'd better be.

RIMMER fades and is replaced by the electronic fish.

LISTER:
Now, Kryten, remember yesterday's class? Our instructions on insults?

KRYTEN:
Oh, I'm not sure I -

LISTER:
Now, how do we describe the gentleman who's just been on the screen?

KRYTEN:
He's Mister -

LISTER:
No no no, come on, he's a -

KRYTEN:
He's a smeee...

LISTER:
Yeah, come on!

KRYTEN:
He's a smeee...

LISTER:
He's a -

KRYTEN:
He's a smeee...

LISTER:
He's a -

LISTER holds up a ‘flash card’ which reads 'SMEG'.

KRYTEN:
He's a smeeeg...

LISTER holds up another card, next to the first one, which reads 'HEAD'.

KRYTEN:
... Heeaaaad! I did it!

LISTER:
Brutal! Now the ultimate test: can you say it to him in person?


2 Int. Hangar deck (optical).

RIMMER is standing next to Star Bug. KRYTEN enters as RIMMER checks his watch.

RIMMER:
Ah, Kryten. At last. Glad you could make it this millennium.

KRYTEN:
Smeerrrrg!

RIMMER:
I beg your pardon?

KRYTEN:
Smerrrrg heeeeed!

RIMMER:
What?

KRYTEN:
You're a smeerrrrg heeeee... Oh, forget it!


3 Ext. Red Dwarf and Star Bug.

Red Dwarf is left behind as Star Bug shoots off into space.

RIMMER:
(VO) Kryten, is there any possibility we could go just a little bit faster?


4 Int. Star Bug cockpit.

KRYTEN and RIMMER are seated, with KRYTEN piloting.

RIMMER:
I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?

KRYTEN:
Sir, you're a smeeeee...

RIMMER:
A smee.

KRYTEN:
A smeee heeee...

RIMMER:
A smee hee.

KRYTEN:
A complete and total one.

HOLLY:
(On the console) Hang about, I'm picking something up. Some kind of distress beacon.

KRYTEN:
I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four niner seven. (He begins pressing buttons.)

RIMMER:
What is it?

HOLLY:
Hard to tell. But whatever it is, it appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit.

KRYTEN:
What's the safety margin?

HOLLY:
Planet'll explode in about two hours.

RIMMER:
Forget it. It's too dangerous. Kryten, head for home.

KRYTEN:
We can't just leave them there, sir! There may be survivors!

RIMMER:
Leave it, Kryten. That's an order. Kryten presses more buttons.

RIMMER:
What are you doing?

KRYTEN:
I am not plotting a course, sir; neither am I taking her down.

RIMMER:
Yes, you are!

KRYTEN:
Neither am I rendezvousing with the crashed vessel, nor seeking for survivors.

RIMMER:
Kryten, you're committing an act of mutiny! I could have you dismantled for this!

KRYTEN:
Smeeeeg heeeed! Oh, damn my programming!

Sudden acceleration presses them into the chairs.


5 Ext. Star Bug.

Star Bug accelerates away from the camera.


6 Ext. Red Dwarf. Establishing shot.


7 Int. Sleeping quarters.

LISTER is seated at a desk. CAT enters.

LISTER:
They're not back yet? They've been hours!

CAT:
(Sitting next to LISTER) No sign. What're you watching?

LISTER:
Ah, just a vid. This is a classic, man!

CAT:
What is it?

LISTER:
Tales of the Riverbank: The Next Generation.

CAT:
Oh, right! I've seen this! It's not as good as the original.

LISTER:
Well, they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they?

CAT:
How could they? The dude was a diva! He smouldered; the camera loved him!

LISTER:
Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando.

CAT:
Whatever happened? Whatever happened to old Hammy? One minute he's a huge star, running around on his own personalised gold wheel, with as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks; the next: obscurity!

LISTER:
Well, he went on the slide, the series ended, couldn't find any more work, and then the ultimate humiliation: Hamstergrams.

The electronic fish fade away, and RIMMER's angry face replaces them.

RIMMER:
(On screen) Well, thanks a bunch. Thanks a smegging buncharoony.

LISTER:
Rimmer, where ARE you?

RIMMER:
That idiot droid has endangered this entire vessel by landing on a planet that's about to explode, thanks to your foundation course in advanced rebellion.

LISTER:
Why?

RIMMER:
So he can go and search some starship escape vessel because there's a million-to-one chance there may be a survivor.

LISTER:
What, and you let him go off on his own?

RIMMER:
Of course I let him go on his own! I was glad to get rid of him; he's flipped! He's got mad droid disease; he kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark!

LISTER:
Ah, well, hrmmm, you'd better get after him, then, hadn't you, man? I mean, he might need some help!

RIMMER:
Lister, this is all your fault.


8 Ext. Star Bug and crashed escape vessel.

Establishing shot.


9 Int. Escape vessel entry corridor.

The escape vessel has emergency power only; debris fills the corridors. KRYTEN enters with an electric torch.

KRYTEN:
Hello? Is there anyone here? Can anyone read me? Oh! Oh dear, what a terrible mess!

He comes to a pit, and accidentally drops his torch. Leaning out, he rests his hand on a beam, which gives way. He loses his balance and falls forward, hanging over the pit and clinging to the beam.

KRYTEN:
Help! Mister Rimmer, sir! Sir? A hand reaches down and pulls him up. We see that it is attached to another mechanoid - a female one.


10 Int. Escape vessel different corridor.

KRYTEN and CAMILLE enter, walking towards the camera.

KRYTEN:
I thank you from the very bottom of my rehydration unit! You saved my life!

They stop walking.

CAMILLE:
You responded to my distress call; you saved mine.

KRYTEN:
Ah, my name is Kryten.

He offers his hand; she shakes it.

CAMILLE:
They call me Camille. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

KRYTEN:
Are you a four thousand series?

CAMILLE:
Yes, I'm a four thousand series GTI.

KRYTEN:
GTI! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old four thousand series. You've got all the luxury extras like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head! Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something wrong?

CAMILLE:
Sorry, stare mode cancel! It's just you have really amazing eyes.

KRYTEN:
Well, eh-heh, yeah, they're just the old five seven nines with the automatic 15 f-stop cornea. If you like, I could pop them out and you could borrow them. Oh, heck, what a jerky thing to say!

CAMILLE:
I don't believe you would ever say anything which I would consider jerky.

KRYTEN:
Really?

CAMILLE:
Really.

KRYTEN:
Wow. Uh, listen, I - I know this is going to sound like a corny line, but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?

CAMILLE:
(Slapping him on the shoulder) You really know all the lines, don't you?

KRYTEN:
No, I really mean it! The way the light catches the angles in your head: it's enchanting! My name is Kryten.

KRYTEN offers his hand again; she shakes it.

CAMILLE:
You already said.

KRYTEN:
Oh, yes. Gosh. You must think me as stupid as a photocopier. So, where are the crew? What happened here?

CAMILLE:
Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident?

KRYTEN:
You mean what humans call "love at first sight?"

CAMILLE:
That would be an adequate synonym, yes.

KRYTEN:
Well, up until a few moments ago, I would have said it had a probability of zero squared.

CAMILLE:
And now?

KRYTEN:
Uh - this - this gantry is unstable. I suggest you hang on to me.

They begin walking again.

KRYTEN:
Oh, what IS that fragrance? It smells divine!

They stop walking.

CAMILLE:
WD-40.

KRYTEN:
I knew it! That's what I use on MY neck hinges, too.

CAMILLE:
Kryten, this shouldn't be happening. Do you feel it too?

KRYTEN:
You mean the ninety-three point seven two percent compatibility factor?

CAMILLE:
I make it ninety-three point seven five.

KRYTEN:
Oh, yes, I forgot to carry the three.

CAMILLE:
Then say it. I want to hear the words.

KRYTEN:
Oh, but it sounds so ridiculous coming from a mechanoid.

CAMILLE:
Then say them in machine language.

KRYTEN:
Okay. In Z80012, using hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASC-2 code: Camille, I think I E5 A9 08 B7 you.

CAMILLE:
You really mean that?

KRYTEN:
Camille, I'd do anything for you. I'd compute a three million digit prime number with prime roots if I thought it would make you happy; I'd evaluate pi to infinity if it would make you smile.

CAMILLE:
Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic calculations.

They start to kiss. Their lips almost touch when a burst of static comes over KRYTEN's communicator, and they pull away.

RIMMER:
(On communicator) Kryten, can you read me? What's happening?

CAMILLE:
(Backing away) There are others?

KRYTEN:
Yes, why? What's wrong?

CAMILLE:
I can't meet them.

KRYTEN:
What do you mean?

CAMILLE:
The two of us alone, we could make that work. Please don't ask me to explain.

KRYTEN:
(Going after her) But, Camille, this whole planet is about to blow! There isn't time!

CAMILLE:
Please! I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.

KRYTEN:
But you don't know them! You'll like them! Well, SOME of them. Well, ONE of them. Maybe. (Into communicator) Sir! I'm making my way back.

RIMMER:
(On communicator) What's kept you?

KRYTEN:
I've found a survivor, sir. We're coming in!

He takes her by the arm and leads her away.


11 Ext. Star Bug and escape vessel.

Establishing shot.


12 Int. Star Bug rear.

KRYTEN and CAMILLE enter.

CAMILLE:
Kryten, please don't make me do this. I'm begging you!

KRYTEN:
Now just relax; everything's going to be fine! Mister Rimmer, sir?

RIMMER:
(Off-screen) Where the smeg have you been?

KRYTEN:
Mister Rimmer, sir, this is Camille. Camille, this is Second Tech Rimmer. She saved my life, sir!

RIMMER enters. We see CAMILLE from his point of view: she appears as a beautiful, if slightly vacuous,hologram.

RIMMER:
(Smitten by her) Yes, well. Howdy.

CAMILLE:
Howdy.

KRYTEN:
(Still seeing her as a mechanoid) You see? I knew you'd get along. Didn't I tell you? Well, we haven't got much time. I've got to go and start up the engines, and get us clear of the impact zone.

CAMILLE:
I'll come with you.

KRYTEN:
No no no no, you wait here and get acquainted.

KRYTEN exits into the cockpit.

RIMMER:
Can I get you anything? Or anything?

CAMILLE:
(Smiling at him) No, no no, I'm fine, thanks.

RIMMER:
I just can't believe I've met another hologram after all these years.

CAMILLE:
(Giggles) Yes. I was Second Technician aboard that crate.

RIMMER:
Second Technician! That's what I am!

CAMILLE:
I always wanted to go further, but I'm a real dope when it comes to exams.

RIMMER:
Me too.

CAMILLE:
So, ah, what do they call you?

RIMMER:
Well, my first name is Arnold, but the guys just generally call me... Duke.

CAMILLE:
Duke?

RIMMER:
Yes, well, they don't call me ‘Duke’ absolutely all the time. In fact, sometimes months can elapse and they won't call me ‘Duke’ at all. So don't call me ‘Duke’ in front of anyone. Because they might have forgotten. You know that they call me ‘Duke’. Sorry, I'm blabbering. I'm not very good at small talk.

CAMILLE:
Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.

RIMMER:
(Astounded) Do you? Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git". But never “charming”, no.

CAMILLE:
Well, I think you're VERY charming.

RIMMER:
Really?

CAMILLE:
Very, VERY charming.

RIMMER:
Well, thank you. Umm, thank you. I'd just better go and see how, uh, Kryten's getting on. Excuse moi!

RIMMER turns around, rubs his hands delightedly, and runs lightly up the steps into the cockpit. CAMILLE smiles after him.


13 Ext. Star Bug.

Establishing shot.


14 Int. Star Bug cockpit.

KRYTEN and RIMMER seated; through the door we can see CAMILLE, who looks like a mechanoid whenever KRYTEN looks at her, and like a hologram whenever RIMMER sees her.

KRYTEN:
She's quite something, isn't she, sir?

RIMMER:
She's enchanting.

KRYTEN:
You think so?

RIMMER:
She's got everything! Style, taste, poise... She's absolutely lovely.

He turns and waves at her. She smiles and waves back.

KRYTEN:
Oh, I'm SO glad you think so, sir. I don't mind telling you, I think there's some romance in the air.

RIMMER:
You sly old dog, Krytie, I think you're right!

KRYTEN:
Oh, sure, her - her nose is a little loose, but to me, that's just cute.

RIMMER looks puzzled for a moment, then dismisses the comment.

RIMMER:
I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Jannine, it's untrue.

KRYTEN:
(Amazed) Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident?

RIMMER:
Who, Jannine? No, of course not; she was a model.

KRYTEN:
And she looked like Camille?

RIMMER:
Absolutely; the resemblance is uncanny.

KRYTEN:
What did she model? Spark plugs?

RIMMER:
I happen to think she's very attractive.

KRYTEN:
You do?

RIMMER:
Certainly.

KRYTEN:
Do you think I'M attractive?

RIMMER:
You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.

KRYTEN:
(Offended) Well! Well, you can think what the HECK you like. Because there are SOME people in this big ol' wide cosmos who happen to think I'm pretty amazing-looking. Especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much!


15 Ext. Red Dwarf and Star Bug.

Star Bug enters the hangar.


16 Int. Hangar.

Star Bug sets down.


17 Int. Medical unit.

CAMILLE, looking like a mechanoid, is sitting on the examination table. As KRYTEN checks her leg's range of motion, LISTER enters.

LISTER:
You're back. I heard.

KRYTEN:
Ah! Sir! You haven't met our visitor, Camille.

To LISTER, CAMILLE looks and sounds like a saucy Liverpool girl. She bears a striking resemblance to Kristine Kochanski.

CAMILLE:
Hi!

KRYTEN:
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare your quarters. The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice.

KRYTEN exits.

LISTER:
(Consulting a chart) Yeah, well, this looks fine. If you'd just like to remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination. Sorry! Dave Lister, ship's surgeon.

CAMILLE:
(Skeptical) You're a surgeon?

LISTER:
Well, I'm not fully qualified. But I've seen every episode of ‘St. Elsewhere’. Still, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, y'know, we can completely dispense with the physical examination and go straight for the malpractice. So just lie back, relax, and I'll go and turn on the laughing gas. What d'you want, giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me.

CAMILLE:
Something tells me you're not really a doctor.

LISTER:
What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? This is weird, y'know. The last two human beings in an infinite cosmos and we have to bump into each other.

CAMILLE:
Yeah, it is weird, innit?

LISTER:
And you realise we have an awesome responsibility?

CAMILLE:
We do?

LISTER:
Yeah! Sure we do! We've gotta rebuild the human race. As quickly as possible. D'you wanna start now, or d'you wanna clean your teeth first?

CAMILLE:
(Looking less than thrilled) And they say romance is dead.

LISTER:
Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spider-Man costume.

RIMMER enters.

RIMMER:
Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest. Camille, have you seen Kryten?

CAMILLE:
(RIMMER's POV) He went up to the Penthouse Suite on A Deck.

RIMMER:
Thanks muchly. (He turns to go, then back again.) Oh, Camille. It's just a silly thought, really, but I thought perhaps after you've settled in and you're feeling up to it, we could pop up to the projection room and I could talk you through my photo collection of twentieth-century telegraph poles.

LISTER:
Yeah, or if you fancy a slightly more entertaining evening, you can just let him take you outside and shoot you through the head.

RIMMER:
As it happens, Listy, Camille is into telegraph poles every bit as much as I am. Especially the 1952 Phase Fours with the triple- reinforced wire.

LISTER:
What, you're into telegraph poles?

CAMILLE:
(LISTER's POV) Of course not!

RIMMER:
You see? What did I tell you? And she's also a big fan of Reggie Wilson.

LISTER:
What, you - you like Hammond Organ music?

CAMILLE:
(LISTER's POV) It's mindless pap.

RIMMER:
Absolutely amazing, eh? Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles - it's uncanny how much we've got in common.

LISTER:
Are you okay, Rimmer?

RIMMER:
Never better. Where is he - A Deck. Ciao for now!

From RIMMER's POV, the hologrammatic CAMILLE waves and mouths "Ciao" back at him. RIMMER exits.

LISTER:
What was all that about?

CAMILLE:
(Looking innocent) What about?

LISTER:
You know. You were saying one thing, and Rimmer was hearing another. How d'you DO that?

CAMILLE:
(Giving up) Well, you'd probably have worked it out eventually. I'm a Pleasure GELF.

LISTER heaves a big sign of disappointment.


18 Ext. Red Dwarf.

Establishing shot.


19 Int. Corridor outside medical unit.

LISTER enters from the medical unit; CAT meets him, coming from the other direction.

CAT:
Hey! What's going on, buddy? Eraserhead tells me she's a mechanoid, and Captain Sadness makes out she's a hologram.

LISTER:
Oh, well, she's BOTH of those, and NEITHER of those. She's a GELF.

CAT:
(Uncomprehending) GELF?

LISTER:
Yeah. A Genetically Engineered Life Form. She's a Pleasure GELF. Created to be everyone's perfect companion. Everyone who looks at her perceives her differently. You see what you wanna see, guy. What you most desire.

CAT:
(Intrigued) Are you telling me, if I go into that room, I'll see my perfect mate?

LISTER:
Mmm. Yeah. And she'll fall instantly in love with you.

CAT:
(Considering) Ooh. What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors?

LISTER:
Well, knowing you, a six foot Valkyrie warrior maiden in scanty armour with a cleavage you could ski down.

LISTER walks away, but stops and hides in the shadows.

CAT:
Stop, you're making me dribble! Well, here goes!


20 Int. Medical unit.

CAT enters, stops in amazement. Cut to CAMILLE lying on the examination table, looking exactly like CAT.

CAMILLE:
Hi, buddy!

CAT:
You're me!

CAMILLE:
Who else?

CAT:
(Confused) I'm the object of my own desire?

CAMILLE:
Can you think of anyone more deserving?

CAT:
Well, if you put it like THAT, I guess you're right! Damn my vanity! CAT and

CAMILLE:
(Slapping hands) OWWWWW!

CAT exits.


21 Int. Corridor outside medical unit.

LISTER is trying to look nonchalant as CAT enters from the medical unit. They walk down the corridor.

LISTER:
What did you see?

CAT:
(Having fun with LISTER) Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness.

LISTER:
Come on, what did you see?

CAT:
Ooh, what a body!

LISTER:
What did you see?!?!

CAT:
My legs are still shaking!

LISTER:
CAT! What did you see?!?!

CAT:
Someone get me a brandy!


22 Ext. Red Dwarf.

Establishing shot.


23 Int. Sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, HOLLY and CAT are in various positions - sitting, lying down, standing, on screen.

RIMMER:
Well, I should'a' guessed. It was all a mighty bit too strange. I mean, actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit all over me in complete loathing and disgust.

KRYTEN:
I shouldn't take it so personally, sir; it's the same for all of us. We've all been made to feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out.

LISTER:
Look, she didn't mean us any harm. She can't control how we see her. She's - a mirror for our obsessions.

KRYTEN:
Holly, what did you see?

HOLLY:
I didn't see anything. I don't think I've got any desires. Either that, or me screen was foggy.

CAMILLE enters, from KRYTEN's POV.

CAMILLE:
I guess I owe you all an apology.

CAMILLE:
(LISTER's POV) Sorry, Dave.

LISTER looks melancholy.

CAMILLE:
(RIMMER's POV) Sorry, Duke.

RIMMER looks offended.

CAMILLE:
(CAT's POV) Sorry, buddy.

CAT:
Heartbreaker!

CAMILLE:
(KRYTEN's POV) I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten, if there were others. You're the one who's hurt the most; you're not used to these emotions.

KRYTEN:
Why did you lie to me?

CAMILLE:
Because I felt something really special for you - something I'd never felt before. I knew if you saw me as I really was, you'd be repelled.

KRYTEN:
Well - try me!

CAMILLE:
Turn away and I'll change. I'll change to what I really am.

KRYTEN turns away. With a hideous noise, CAMILLE turns into what she really is - a huge, pulsing green blob with a single eye on a thick stalk.

CAMILLE:
I'm ready.

KRYTEN turns around, but doesn't say anything.

CAMILLE:
This is what I really look like.

KRYTEN:
(Being gallant) Oh.

CAMILLE:
What do you think?

KRYTEN:
Well, I - I think you look... really nice.

CAT:
Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose!

CAMILLE:
He's right! I'm just a huge green blob!

KRYTEN:
True, but as huge green blobs go, I think you're really cute.

CAMILLE:
I don't believe you.

KRYTEN:
Huh! Okay, so you're never going to get on the cover of ‘Vogue’, but - hey, neither am I! I think you're really sweet.

CAMILLE:
You're lying.

KRYTEN:
I CAN'T lie; I'm a mechanoid.

CAMILLE:
(Astonished) You really don't think I'm repulsive?

KRYTEN:
Of course not! There's some HUMANS not as attractive as you! Take Karl Malden! And he was a famous actor! You think this changes anything? Camille, I'd be really grateful if you would join me for dinner tonight.

CAMILLE:
You mean that?

KRYTEN:
‘Parrot's Bar’ on G Deck. I'll meet you there at eight.

CAMILLE:
Flats or heels?


24 Ext. Red Dwarf.

Establishing shot.


25 Int. Sleeping quarters.

CAT and RIMMER are in the quarters. LISTER enters and gets something out of the fridge.

CAT:
I can't believe he's really going through with this.

RIMMER:
Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet tete-a-tentacle, I say good luck to him.

LISTER:
(Sitting down) I mean, me too. I mean, we all react differently, don't we? When Steve McQueen met ‘The Blob’, he tried to kill it. It probably never crossed his mind to try and take it out to a restaurant.

CAT:
I have a great idea. They should go to a sushi bar. At least that way, the food won't look better than his date!

KRYTEN enters, dressed in a full tuxedo.

KRYTEN:
(To CAT) Sir. I respect your sense of dress more than anything, and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit.

CAT:
Kryten, if I was going out with a large ball of green slime, that's how I'd dress!

KRYTEN:
Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me. Well - (uses some breath freshener) - don't wait up!

KRYTEN exits.


26 Int. Parrot's bar.

Close-up of a ‘Parrot's’ menu, on a table with what appear to be two bowls of gazpacho soup. Pull back to show KRYTEN and CAMILLE seated at the table, surrounded by stuffed parrots, monitors playing videotapes of parrots, etc.

CAMILLE sticks a tentacle into her soup and begins drinking it with hideous slurping noises.

KRYTEN:
Isn't this enchanting?

CAMILLE:
Oh, Kryten. Do you think we could make it, you and I?

KRYTEN:
It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. Droid loses chameleon, chameleon becomes blob, droid gets blob back again. It's a classic tale.

CAMILLE:
A toast, my love. To us.

They clink glasses.


27 Int. Parrot's bar.

Later. The lights are dimmed, chairs are piled up along the walls, and KRYTEN and CAMILLE are dancing to disco music.


28 Ext. Star Bug.

Star Bug is heading towards the planet, doing a barrel roll as we hear the strains of the ‘Blue Danube’ waltz.


29 Int. Star Bug cockpit.

KRYTEN and CAMILLE are seated. KRYTEN's jacket is off and his tie is loose. CAMILLE caresses him with her eyestalk.


30 Int. Cinema.

KRYTEN and CAMILLE are seated. KRYTEN is holding a box of popcorn. CAMILLE sticks in a tentacle. We hear ‘As Time Goes By’ being played.

KRYTEN:
‘Casablanca’. What a movie. I must have seen it a thousand times. Lister used to use it as part of my course. It's littered with examples of how lying can be noble.

CAMILLE:
From now on, my angel, ‘Casablanca’ will be our movie, and -

HOLLY:
Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten, but we've got a visitor down in the hangar. He wants to see Camille.

KRYTEN reacts; he is flabbergasted.

CAMILLE:
I was going to tell you, Kryten. Truly I was.

KRYTEN:
(Stunned) You have a husband?

CAMILLE:
We're androgynous, but I suppose you could call him my husband. Hector has a brilliant mind. He's been working on an antidote for our condition for years.

KRYTEN:
Hector's a blob, too?

CAMILLE:
We're both blobs, Kryten. I left him a long time ago. I thought he'd given up looking.

KRYTEN:
He must really think a lot of you.

CAMILLE:
I guess.

KRYTEN:
So what are you going to do?

CAMILLE:
I'm going to tell him I met someone else. I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you.

KRYTEN looks miserable.


31 Int. Hangar.

There is a ship on the pad, dimly seen through the steam.


32 Int. Corridor outside hangar.

KRYTEN, CAMILLE, and LISTER enter.

KRYTEN:
Mister Lister, sir, would you be so kind as to take Camille's bag on board?

LISTER:
(Taking the bag) Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say.

LISTER exits.

CAMILLE:
Why MY bag, Kryten?

KRYTEN:
Because you're getting on that craft with Hector, where you belong.

CAMILLE:
No, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
Now you've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you've got to look forward to if you stay here?

CAMILLE:
You're saying this only to make me go.

KRYTEN:
We both know you belong to Hector - you're part of his work; you're what keeps him going. If you're not on that craft when it leaves the hangar, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow - but soon, for the rest of your life.

CAMILLE:
What about us?

KRYTEN:
We'll always have Parrot's.

CAMILLE:
Oh, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
I'm no good at being noble, kid, but it's pretty obvious the problems of two blobs and a droid don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos.


33 Int. Hangar at spacecraft hatch.

Medium shot on HECTOR BLOB. There appears to be another blob behind him.

HOLLY:
Are you ready, Camille?


34 Int. Corridor.

Close-up on CAMILLE.

CAMILLE:
I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten. Bless you.

HECTOR and CAMILLE exit as LISTER enters.

LISTER:
You were lying, Kryten.

KRYTEN:
Yes; it hurt to do it, but it was her best shot at happiness. It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. Droid loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back again, blob meets blob, blob goes off with blob, and droid loses blob, chameleon and droid. How many times have we seen that story?

LISTER:
I suppose you're gonna blame me for all of this, aren't you?

KRYTEN:
Yes, I am. Without your lessons - without your bananas and your movies and your aardvarks - none of this could have happened. You're a complete and total smeghead.

LISTER:
Brutal, Kryten! You just insulted me!

KRYTEN:
Yes; I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now.

They begin walking away, arm in arm.

LISTER:
Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Franceseca Folan (Hologram Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Kochanski Camille), Mike Tucker (Blob Camille)8, Rupert Bates (Hector)
*Uncredited

Produced & Directed by Ed Bye

TX:
BBC2 - 14th February 1991

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Holly, Cat and Kryten